kilgore trout, ron desantis spokesperson Profile picture
turnip shepherd & bad person
Joshua Cypess Profile picture john Profile picture Marcie 🇺🇸 😷 💉 Profile picture 3 added to My Authors
24 Sep
my god even the cyber ninjas were in on the steal
do you know how bad it is when even somebody calling themselves the cyber ninjas are like nah man biden won that’ll be $5.7 million please
Read 4 tweets
24 Sep
if they aren’t prepared to arrest their asses immediately for ducking subpoenas they need to disband the whole exercise
let them fight it from jail and see how unhelpful they are
this committee needs to establish a new baseline for fucking around and finding out
Read 4 tweets
22 Sep
gunnar thordason is proof even the simulation wants out of the simulation
these are not real people and I refuse to investigate
this slogan yeeted out of the workshopping session Image
Read 6 tweets
20 Sep
the fascination with kid-gloving trump supporters like they’re some sort of alien species journalists are on safari to see continues and meanwhile nobody wants to ask biden voters about their perspectives because it’s boring tv
I mean in a way it’s a brilliant hack of traditional media’s total compulsion to both sides any dynamic they encounter. “we get to behave as total deranged morons and they can’t say anything because they need us to be their counterpoint”
this clip is pure gold, they even admit they’re embarrassed to say what sort of shit they’re into. they are totally aware it’s berserk and contemptible. they’re ashamed to be honest. but oh isn’t it quaint they’re in a train and so polite this would make a charming postcard
Read 10 tweets
20 Sep
you know, no one asked, but someone’s gotta say something about how these amazon football “stats” are the analytics equivalent of reading chicken bones in a cauldron and making people’s football brains even stupider. as long as I’m ranting win percentage is absolute garbage
please stop writing pointless formulas just because you have bits of data and the ability to stick them in equations and give them ecstasy and make them dance to techno. they communicate nothing of use. it is an affront to actual analytics.
if you get football you should absolutely do a one-time experiment and carve time out to watch a game side-by-side with the win percentage every play of the game. it’s objectively hilarious.
Read 5 tweets
19 Sep
I bookmarked this a week ago because I got trash brain and thought it would be funny to dunk on and you know what it is funny to dunk on
we still gotta play michigan state, michigan, ohio state, and iowa, plus whatever sneaky good teams like indiana and maryland show up but thanks auburn for the warm-up
got no clue how this team can possibly get through the rest of this schedule but if they do it and have wisconsin on the road and auburn as wins on top of it that’s the best resume in college football
Read 5 tweets
18 Sep
1/6 turned violent largely because rioters correctly assumed trump would happily pardon any crimes but incorrectly assumed he’d be in any position to do so. take that element away & add in the element of “oh shit who is a fed” and you have real problems executing these events
this is a very good illustration of how dangerous presidential pardon power is -one man able to singlehandedly turn justice on its head- and why stripping it down to the bone would go along way in arresting our path to authoritarianism
Read 5 tweets
17 Sep
I think that dude is a radiologist which must make for some wild dosing adventures
the k stands for keep up the good work
Read 4 tweets
17 Sep
last night after midnight the spokesperson for ron desantis had eight or nine wines and tried to dunk on me for a nine month old tweet and she got trapped in a”you mad bro” feedback loop and disappeared and I am still dying I love this website
anyway I am now the spokesperson for ron desantis and I ask you direct all questions about why his state is a national embarrassment to me
I know I’m gonna field this question a lot so let me get it out of the way right out of the gate: “the governor adores president trump and in no way *STAGE COUGH* does he hope desperately every day that president trump drop dead so the governor can win the nomination *WINK*”
Read 18 tweets
17 Sep
the biggest loser energy you have ever seen
harper & wheeler & JT deserve to go play someplace where they’re not surrounded by absolute petulant losers and constantly forced to pretend they’re not miserable about it while cloaking a really shitty team in a veneer of perplexing mediocrity
there will never be a better opportunity to unload this contract and give the dude a chance to play for an organization that doesn’t suck from top to bottom and needs its third rebuild in ten years
Read 4 tweets
15 Sep
every one of these jokes is a masterclass in writing and delivery. you can hear them thirty times and they’re never less funny.
if you want some perspective on exactly how good this material/delivery combo is, try to imagine jimmy fallon doing the same lines without groaning
that mid-to-late 90’s snl class shaped so much of my sense of humor growing up & my outlook in general. I cannot imagine who I would be without them. just a remarkable collection of different talents. norm was my favorite & I catch myself doing a form of his deadpan daily
Read 4 tweets
14 Sep
here is the problem: if he feels compelled enough to strip the CINC out of the chain so he can’t nuke portland or something, he needs to feel equally compelled to park his ass before congress an hour later to share that information quite publicly. this can’t come out on his terms
I agree with cutting a very clearly deranged trump out of the loop. but when BOB WOODWARD is the way this info goes public, NINE MONTHS LATER, you’ve created a tidy little cover-up that is ripe for repeat performance
general milley is strongly suggesting that had bob woodward or some other character not chanced by looking for juicy nuggets, the american people were never to be told that whoops he just usurped the chain of command & went on serving & never felt compelled to mention this?
Read 9 tweets
14 Sep
this freeze frame of a disheveled michael tracey ranting on the sidewalk holding some sort of james bond antenna suitcase as a garbage truck drives by is my only friend in the world
have spent ten fruitless minutes googling “antenna briefcase” and “suitcase karaoke” trying to decipher this mystery
my best guess is he cut a hole in a briefcase and shoved an old boom box with a whip antenna in there
Read 4 tweets
14 Sep
because if a tenth of them die, they still have 90% left to sell junk cures and covid contrarianism to. but if 90% of them get the vaccine, they don’t need to buy any more own-the-libs covid solutions
it’s extremely icky to consider but if the biden admin wanted to end vaccine hesitancy, they’d cut a bunch of off-the-record deals with right wing media to buy hundreds of thousands of fake subscriptions to shops like wex & the federalist in exchange for a pro-vax editorial slant
I am about 95% sure this is the loophole GOPers have been exploiting for years to funnel money from PACs directly into RW media without leaving a trace: just buy fake subscriptions
Read 6 tweets
13 Sep
this is the ivermectin story - not ivermectin, but how it’s just a plug-and-play monetized industry that is driven by forces vastly larger than a bunch of dopes with facebook poisoning eating horse paste. until this becomes the narrative there will be dozens more ivermectin sagas
the financial interests driving the anti-vaxx movement are doing so from a perspective that says people taking a vaccine that eliminates the need to take various miracle cures is depriving them of a marketing opportunity
that the covid vaccines are so remarkably effective at their job at a price point of *free* is a terrifying threat to the right wing miracle cure economy
Read 4 tweets
13 Sep
justin fields learning valuable lessons from andy dalton on how to turn a 5 yard sack into a 15 yard sack
very important follow-up lesson on fluttering a 4th & 15 sideline route two yards short of the sticks, it’s good to see what a pick six ball looks like in realtime
we have to ruin our talented rookie quarterback psychologically by forcing him to watch a guy who rates at sub-backup levels so we don’t ruin him psychologically by letting him play
Read 5 tweets
13 Sep
andy dalton: never not funny
this seems like hyperbole but I’d fire matt nagy before the end of this commercial break
50 yard run: shuffle quarterbacks for no reason
9 yard completion: shuffle quarterbacks for no reason
false start caused by shuffling quarterbacks
time out caused by shuffling quarterbacks
interception by worst quarterback on roster
give up 80 yard td

just an amazing sequence
Read 7 tweets
10 Sep
didn’t we just do the whole thing condescending to the everyman by insinuating they’re all too goofy & backwards to get vaccinated when in fact most of them have good brains in their heads & already went & got vaccinated
man. what a fucking gimmick this is to appropriate the working class by softly suggesting they’re all too dumb to figure it out and they need my pundit defense network
“my grubhub driver, god bless his heart, is too busy & undereducated to know to go get a vaccine on his own. that’s why he should just get sick instead. I am a working class ally.”
Read 4 tweets
10 Sep
a big collective fucking thank you, but I guess we could pretend the guy doesn’t know how to read polls some more
the dude has rickrolled the entire apparatus for two years using this one weird trick of reading polls and picking no brainers, what is his secret???
now, this is not always admirable or even desirable, because the right thing doesn’t need a poll. but from a politics standpoint, yeah, this is not a complex calculus
Read 5 tweets
8 Sep
an honest accounting of the saga would fully explain that it’s been chugging along in the background as a kook treatment for over a year, displaced hydroxycloroquine as king of designer covid treatments once the hydroxy bubble burst, & these pundits are way late to the game
this is not a knock on @MattGertz but on the other incomplete and/or half assed attempts that miss a lot of key context in favor of focusing on the delicate fee-fees of the folks taking it & pushing it
again, there’s a get-rich-quick mlm scheme at the heart of this thing consisting of a bunch of teledoc’s pushing scripts on a pills-for-pay system. not everyone promoting it has a cut of the action. there are a lot of clueless rubes just hoping to find their angle
Read 10 tweets
7 Sep
urban elites who sneer down their noses at flyover country may insist on only human medication, but here in this sleepy diner, taking livestock drugs is a tradition as old as the town itself Image
ruralsplaining: catch the fever! now available in pumpkin spice
“how can I defend these good hardworkin salt of the earth folks?” I ponder, stroking my chin. “a ha! I’ve got it! I’ll make them sound dumb as shit.”
Read 7 tweets