so we just got bombshell of fuckery.

just gonna set the scene.

slow start to the day, managed to go to actual gym for the first time in ages. did a good solid workout: treadmill intervals, weights, even trap bar deadlifts. decided I was too tired to manage a swim after that. drove home, belting out songs, feeling a bit low because of how the morning got away from me, but hey, better late than never.

walk in the door. put bags down. Michael says "so I got a message from our landlord."

they want to move back into their house at the end of the lease.

This is a real "Oh, honey..." moment.

"Products wouldn't sell if they didn't do anything!" is a take that really showcases a clueless optimism. How does capitalism, etc.

(also does he realise kegels are literally physiotherapy to maintain actual pelvic floor health)

https://twitter.com/Charlotte_Stein/status/1503506159847841793

Like... vagina tightening creams won't do jack shit except maybe feel uncomfortable (I have no idea, this is not something I've ever been tempted to try).

Kegels are a way to manage pelvic floors that are (1) too loose or (2) too tight, since both of those things cause issues.

So, I've been determined to bring my blog back online, slowly, after the hiatus, and one of the ways I want to do that is by jumping back into the ADHD blogging for @We_Are_ADHD, and I was thinking about all the different topics I've been wanting to write about. THERE ARE SO MANY. As with all my ADHD posts, they will tend to be based around personal experience, and if I make claims that are intended to be generalised, they either have links to source material or are intended to be generalised... anecdotally.

I sometimes wonder about the true definition of masking, because certain forms of deliberately-learned expression have become second nature to me, and they only disappear when I'm absolutely exhausted.

My facial expressions are usually either absent or exaggerated.

https://twitter.com/MaxieMoosie/status/1502749414942666755

I remember when this woman at the library was throwing the most bizarre tantrum at myself and my mate Rob, and accused me of making childish faces.

Me: "I'm not making faces. I'm expressing my emotional response. That's a thing that humans commonly do."

So… this is a thread about energy levels, and kind of about disability, and frustration, but there is a take-home message, and in case it reads like one big tanty, I’ve had a pretty good day overall, I promise.

Just doing the live spitballing. I process verbally. Today:

went for a run, showered*, drove to myo (about 50 mins drive), got fuel after appointment, then went to two supermarkets, drove another 50 minutes back to the rental, unpacked all the shopping, scooped kitty litter (intensely), put on giant load of laundry, collapsed.

Since learning that a brain with complex PTSD has a tendency to collect additional traumas and just kinda loop them in, I've started imagining it as a gigantic Katamari Damacy ball hurtling down a hill, attaching to every bullshit episode in your life as if it's dryer lint. Of course as a person who has spent a few odd weeks at sea on research vessels, I have the appropriate horror of dryer lint and an obsessive need to clean the lint filter so that the metaphorical ship doesn't burst into flames and burn down to the water line.

On the upside, I finally made time to really get stuck into Myst VR on the Oculus, and it was truly absorbing and magical, and I climbed ladders and pulled levers and pushed buttons with delight. On the downside, I learned a valuable lesson about turning the graphics settings up way too high, which appears to result in a near-imperceptible stuttering.

The nausea has now faded. I'll be turning it back down to "medium" now (still amazingly good).

Everyone was right. Beat Saber is amazingly gloriously fun. It’s like dancing at a club except there’s no one there to watch me muck it up, and the game tells me the moves so I don’t get paralysed with Severely Unco Dancing Nerd Anxiety. It is just such uncomplicated -fun- and I feel I’d forgotten what that felt like?

Also: note to self, do check door is properly closed because I paused, went to reset the view and my foot bumped lightly into an invisible dog.

He didn’t notice, but I sure did.

Today's achievements:

(1) copied my iTunes library across to my new desktop (Windows) from my laptop (MacOS). This was amazingly straightforward. I am genuinely surprised, but in a good way.

(2) submitted my tax return (it is *very* uncomplicated). (3) went for a short interval run - the weather was kind of vile but I was twitchy, and since the toe socks were such a success, I dug out my old toe-shoes and ran in those. They make me feel so bouncy!

(4) played Beat Saber on the Oculus, which is amazingly fun.

I subscribe to @DrJenGunter’s newsletter, the Vajenda, because she answers questions.

As a marine biologist, I was able to answer this question myself.

The answer is FUCK NO. WHAT THE FUCK. OH MY FUCKING GOD. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THOSE THINGS ARE.

vajenda.substack.com/p/are-sea-spon… Why do we wear gloves when diving? Because it’s cold! And also, there are a bunch of things we don’t want to touch our bare skin!

In colder waters, the number one category sessile organism (ie, doesn’t move) we do not want to touch is anything from Phylum Porifera: sea sponge.

I have set up the Oculus and it is FUCKING AMAZING oh my god

It’s 2021, everything sucks, and my husband got me escapism for my 40th birthday, love it. I did watch part of a “sit underwater on a coral reef” video but had to stop because I got weepy.

Two reasons:

(1) haven’t been diving in months. Haven’t dived a tropical reef in two years. The sound of the regulator made me want to cry with longing.

Having unpacked, and starting to rip CDs for my iTunes library, and getting back into my physio exercises, and it’s sunny—

And the loss adjuster has provided the builder’s quote for the rebuild of our house.

Today.

It’s $65k over what we’re insured for. Meanwhile: this would involve demolishing the existing structure and removing the debris.

Getting the 200 fucking tonne tree off the property cost $40k.

We have nothing left for debris removal, the cost of which is quoted at $50k.

I’m only saying this softly in case I jinx it, and am attacked by a well-camouflaged box…

…but I think we might actually be fully unpacked. (Michael pointed out there are boxes in his study, but those are specific “Michael’s wheelhouse” boxes, and I don’t have to see them so they don’t count)

I finally shelved the non-fiction!

The delay was because that is an old bookcase and a bit unstable and it needed to be fixed to the wall.

(the others will be, it’s just less urgent as they are much more solid) And a big part of *that* delay was because the laws that meant renters no longer have to ask for permission from landlords to secure heavy furniture to the wall (in Victoria, Australia; non-heritage listed properties; not exposed brick or concrete) only went live in 2019.

Today’s task: sorting through and putting away all the clothes that came out of storage.

There is a metric fuckton of dry cleaning to organize.

I’m attempting to avoid some of it with… this method. Another odd thing about this house: the shelves in the walk in robe have two wardrobe rails for hanging things, but they’re over a shelf. There’s no way to hang anything longer than torso length.

For that, you have to go into the other bedroom (Michael’s study).

Though I was thwarted by Lincraft’s early closing last night, today I remembered that I have an actual cross stitch shop ten minutes drive away, opposite the “good” supermarket. For “good” supermarket: the one I go to when I want a bunch of stuff that neither our weird semi-fancy independent store or our rather small local Woolies will stock.

This entire 🧵

As a (autistic, ADHD) nerdy, loud, chubby little redhead know-it-all kid, I had social difficulties. Not knowing the social rules was *genuinely terrifying* because it led to bullying and ostracism.

But I knew the social rules for food and could not follow them.

https://twitter.com/StructuredSucc/status/1367586373025157126

I mean I physically couldn’t do it. I had a couple of friends and I loved visiting and staying over but when we were called for dinner?

Looking back, what I felt was panic. Because well-meaning adults - the parents of my friends - would try to make me eat things I couldn’t eat.

I realise I have already QTd excerpts from this thread *twice* but I have been fascinated by the weird focal fuckery our eyes pull on us since I was 7 years old and trying to see my own nose.

But the hacky process here is... perfect. I love it.

And I’m going to explain why 🧵

https://twitter.com/foone/status/1014267515696922624

So one concept that my biology and evolution lecturers hated on, real hard, was this idea of anything being “perfectly adapted to its environment” which is a common declaration in nature documentaries and it’s profoundly misleading.

Firstly, it is never perfect. Ever.

Lots of big things going on in the world and my brain is basically a dystopian wasteland alá Fury Road, but look:

I am going to try and learn a new cross stitch technique and I am *excited.*

Need to go buy a whole fuckload of embroidery needles from Lincraft first. See, I’m doing two different Heaven And Earth Designs (HAED) patterns - one on 25 count lugana; one (my inherited legacy project from Penelope) on a sensible 14 count fabric.

(“count” is the same as DPI. Cross stitch has a resolution! Though backstitch is kinda like a vector?)

Emotional ptsd hangover continues. Extra fragility. Potential conflict arises. Misunderstanding? Hard limits. I need this to work.

Terrified of communicating anything even faintly oppositional right now. Just want to agree with everyone. That’s safe. Also a lie. I can’t. Worried that I will not be able to get other people to understand. Worried that asking for what I need will just continue to cause harm no matter how careful I try to be. Deep down: selfish.

I hate this.

This always seems ridiculous to me. Is it more common in the US because people always seem to be moving interstate for jobs? It seems like hauling your entire life to the other side of the continent is relatively common (caveat: for those who can afford it).

https://twitter.com/sarahhollowell/status/1366870328757153792

I think the closest we come to it in Australia is the (fairly gross) “if you don’t like it, leave” attitude whenever any aspect of our society is criticised.

But that’s a “leave the country” attitude, not “move interstate.”