Apparently my 9yo daughter's imaginary friend is the ghost of an 8yo girl named Rose who died of the bubonic plague 200 years ago and I’m sure this is a completely normal developmental stage........ My 7yo is now arguing that “the plague is just a made up thing” however Rose *apparently* chimed in that most of her village died of it so I guess my 9yo won the argument?

My 9yo made friends with a new student in class who doesn’t speak English. She’s FaceTiming her new friend and they are currently pointing to things around our houses teaching each other how to speak in English and Spanish 🥹 It’s the cutest little conversation y’all. Wait, it’s getting even better. Now they’re using Google Translate to have a conversation and play a game. Kids are more creative than I could ever be damn.

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued… ...They got paper and pen to "write out a plan" and when I asked them about it, they said they were "making mother's day cards."

I told them it would be 𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖗𝖎𝖇𝖑𝖊 to lie to your mother on mother's day weekend...they lied and said they're not lying...

I once dated a guy who opposed me volunteering on social causes because "what if someone who doesn't need it gets help" and I'll be damned if that isn't the prevailing mindset of this country My response to him, "I'm totally cool with that"

this may be the best version of twitter ted cruz can finally be himself

i thought the $8 thing was bullshit but the way y'all have harnessed it for complete and utter chaos on a global scale is just 🥹 if only we had done this before el*n bought it. why did we need a reason?

those presidential fitness tests in school were some kinda bullshit. i grew up thinking the president knew how slow i run. am i less of an american if i'm in last place?

As October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, I cannot help but reflect on the fact that when I was pregnant with my youngest daughter, I was told, outright, that she would never survive. 🧵 At 6 weeks pregnant, I had spotting that suddenly turned into dark, heavy bleeding when we were out of the state visiting friends. We were told to go to the ER and follow up with our OB upon our return. What followed was one of the most heart wrenching experiences of my life.

Took the dog bed outside, so my dog could enjoy the weather in comfort.

My dog. Just like her wolf-ancestors. Noble.

Happy Pride to everyone and happy Selfie Sunday!!! Post your selfies and sweet pet pics. Be kind to others! 🏳️‍🌈 The whole family is celebrating

spoil dad this father's day we got a lot of holidays coming up. spoil your dad. buy him those panty liners he's had his eye on.

I feel sick as I write this but need to say it:

Today a man with an AK-47 walked down the middle of the street that runs alongside the playground at my daughters' school. During recess. My 5yo was on the playground with her classmates. Feet away. Teachers rushed the kids inside and the kids were none the wiser for it.

By chance, the gunman apparently showed no interest in the school or students. He continued down the middle of the street (yes the middle, not the sidewalk) and past it.

My 5yo...
1) asked to visit "the grave of that guy who sings the hold 'em and fold 'em song"
2) asked my husband to play the song
3) held the phone up to the grave so Kenny could hear I am sorry to be the bringer of this (2 year old) news, guys. Yes, Kenny Rogers is dead. RIP.

He folded 'em.

my power move is saying "oh that's my dog's name" whenever i'm introduced to someone new occasionally i'll smirk and give them a "good boy"

how do i convert "ass cold" to fahrenheit? i'll never understand the metric system

aw mom saved a clipping from when i made the newspaper i'm fortunate to have hand job training really

you will be graded on this *judges wince at the amount of toilet paper you use*
gonna be some points off for that

My 7yo got up at 6:30am on her own and came into our room to wake us up so she could get ready for school.

What...what just happened? Naturally, I pulled the covers over my head and yelled that I was too sleepy to get up.

you look parched.

here, take a refreshing sip of spicy water. that zappy feeling is just the electrolytes working

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc *tries to resize the window and it shifts position to the bottom of the building*

goddammit

Sweet sentiments from the "fucked up harts" of my kids Note that heart is misspelled, but she nailed "fucked". Priorities.