UTAMU WA NDOA

Kuna a very important ingredient for a fulfilling marriage, counselors huogopa kuambia married couples, na ni "Chaos." Women will never admit it openly, lakini za ndaniii, wanapenda kusukumwa kwa corner; so it’s either uingie uwanja mapema, ama utaanikwa… kwa soko, ukiwa uchi. It's not uncommon to hear people in bar conversations wakisema, "hatuelewi huyo bibi alimwacha kwa nini na alikuwa anampatia kila kitu!" Next time ukiskia hiyo upus, say in low tones, "alimwonjesha shida kweli?" then continue sipping your drink…

THE PACESETTER FROM BERLIN 🧵

It was on a Friday evening when I received a call from my longtime friend, Chepsirere. He was a talented athlete, but he shunned competitive races and opted for being a full- time pacemaker. He always said openly that his weak heart couldn’t…. handle extreme pressure, so instead, he chose the path of laying the red carpet for more mentally strong athletes. Nilikuwa kwa bedsitter yangu, sleeping with one eye open, after kutoka “tender” ya kupanga files in a government parastatal. The job title was "accounts assistan,…

THE NASTY SLEEP PARALYSIS

"Eeeeeei! Ukimaliza, usiache ilale ndani, bwana yangu atajua!" My notorious ex-wife said in romantic tones,deep inside her dream, before “scratching” her throat loudly with her tongue and turning her back against me. "Gadeeeemit!" I cursed softly,.. not wanting to wake up the witch, sat on my bed, and scratched my head with frustration. It was the 5th day back-to-back of talking in her dreams, and when I confronted her, she blamed me for overthinking na akaniambia kuna kitu ametumiwa kama Sleep Paralysis by one of her…

THE DARK SIDE OF THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY.

The life of luxury ya celebrities watu wengi hutamani, ukipatiwa uonje, utatamani kurudi maisha yetu ya kuishi Pipeline ya kukula zile chapati hupikwa kwa corner na kuishi bila pressure. Both genders hupitia mengi, but for women its… worse. Immediately unaingia industry na hiyo talent yako kidogo, you are assigned to a "Queen B," who is an older woman experienced in the industry, who will "hold your hand" and "show you around." Initially, the young, naive, and "talented" lady will be excited as she…

Kuna siri zingine watu wameenda majuu hawaezi waambia na si Gatekeeping, ni kuchunga jina. Kuna kazi zingine ziko na pesa lakini lazima ukaze moyo na ufunge macho ndo uomoke. Unaeza angukia “tender” ya kuosha care homes ya watu wazee then from nowhere mama mzee akuone… ukiendelea na usafi na aanze kupiga nduru as she points at you, “I want to play with this African boy in a bathtub” You ignore her na unajiambia may be ghosts ya slaves walitesa kitambo wamerudi kumsumbua. Unaendelea na kazi yako juu si mara ya kwanza hao wazee wamekuongelesha…

Ukiwa na bibi working kwa hizi big corporates where the“Big Boys” are moneyed,inabidi umekuwa prayer warrior and talk to God daily you never go broke. Ata ikiwezekana,nunua ile Pocket Bible ya green ya Gideons ndo ukiwa unatembea nayo ndo ukuwe na uwepo wa Mungu 24/7. If she is… beautiful, disaster may strike you earlier. Her male colleagues will be monitoring her movements from a distance waiting for a loophole to pounce. They will watch her akiingia na akitoka job and the type of car she drives. If you are wealthy na huwa unamchukua jioni na an…

Nowdays huko Rift Valley, mrembo akiangukia kijana from a wealthy background na anaona he is slow in marrying her and making things official, anaanza kutishia kijana anamalizia process ya kwenda majuu. Na hawafanyi live live, they do it indirectly to make their evil plan even… more geniune. Wakiwa out mahali she will pretend kushika simu, then asonge kando kidogo but near the victim ndo amskie, then answers the “caller” in hushed tones,“Bestie sema, ndo ata namalizia ile exam ya British Council ndo nianze process ya Visa. But usiambie mtu kwanza, si…

To date mtu akiniita sherehe ata tukuwe close aje na sina kitu ya kujishikilia kwa mfuko, heri niseme nakunywa dawa siezi toka. Na wakiniskuma sana huwa nasema niko kitanda 24/7 na nikitaka kwenda washroom natembea nikijishikilia kwa ukuta juu sioni vizuri. Nikiishi na my cuzo… we nicknamed “Kiptit” after a bird ikipata chakula inapiga kelele hadi inaibiwa na wengine hapo pipeline, We were summoned na my cousin from my fathers side anakuanga KDF tumpate South C. He was liquid juu alikuwa ametoka Somalia akatuambia hajaguza salary mwaka mzima…

In Campus when I was introduced to the Multi-level marketing International Company GNLD, I was very excited and finally saw light at the end of the tunnel. Tukiwa our first conference hapo Mezzanine ya Re-insurance plaza with my Confidant, tulipewa success stories na watu… Wamevaa suti I became over-excited hadi nikakuwa na out of body experience. I saw myself floating over Indian Ocean nikienda several countries abroad hadi nikaona ntaachia shule 3rd year nianze kukula pesa zangu mapema. After paying our registration fee, tukaambiwa na our…

Job za Government kwa hizi “lucrative” parastatals ni tamu but huwa risky juu hujui colleague wako ameletwa na nani. Mko kwa station iko mbali na headquarters that is rumored to be extremely “wet” and full of lucrative deals. Mkubwa wenu anaamua kutuma Slayqueen wake to secure… her financial future but hakuna mtu anajua. So after kumfanyia orientation, unamwacha achape kazi but vitu iko na pesa humwoneshi unajiambia acha pia ajitaftie the same way wewe ulitafuta. Mrembo anashangaa mbona mnapiga sherehe na salary ni kidogo, akijaribu kukuuliza…

HOW TO “CAPTURE” A SUGAR MUMMY IN KENYA 🇰🇪

Hii dunia hakuna formula ya kuunda mali,ukiangukia loophole ya kupata riziki, shikilia hapo. I noticed vijana wengi hawajui siri ya “intercepting” wealthy women to help them bypass the long route to wealth and bright further. Makosa… Kubwa aggressive men hufanya, is visiting those high end Clubs to look for the women. Some are lucky but thats a wrong place to find someone to build a “future” with, most of those women may look wealthy and live in affluent estates but when you dig deeper, they are riddled…

My extended family was thrown into celebrations when one of my Uncles alikuwa amechelewa kuoa juu ya kujiingiza kwa maisha ya sherehe, finally married mrembo mwingine wa Barsombe straight from Campus. Tungejua shida ilikuwa iturambe few months into the union,tungetulia kabisa… We noticed our uncle who was a teacher and had built a three bedroom kwa hapo Kuinet had lost considerable weight when we met some months later kwa family function ilikuwa hapo Eldoret. Alikuwa Mwalimu hapo Nakuru so he used to visit his lovely wife every weekend. The lady was…

Parents before you choose a name of your newborn child, take your time bila pressure na uchague jina mzuri. Some names huwa mnapatia your kids itawaParalyze milele. There was a time last year some months before elections nilikuja Kenya briefly kuskuma payment ingine ya Tender… Ilikuwa imekwama. I was worried after elections, change of Governments will make me lose everything. After kusaidiwa, one of my confidants anakuanga “Kijana Wa Uwanja” begged me to accompany him to Kilimani apige deal ingine “risky”. He mentioned he had never worked with the…

Eldoret kuna Slayqueens veterans wamekaa soko for long wanajua Town like the back of their hands. They have Intel of all the rich guys both old and new money. Wanajua where they hang out,what they drink,when they get more money,when they go broke,tabia na personality ya bibi… Zao. Wakiona bestie wao pale Kettle house na mdosi wanarusha whatsapp direct “Chirry chalekei chichoto, makararan met chepyosenui,kipel lakwet age tokoch ak pek che leldos (leave that man alone,he has a mad wife, she poured hot water on the face of a certain woman”. Wanakuanga…

Our neighbor kwa apartment naishi alikuwa ameskuma Tenants kwa ukuta na his usual disturbances. All his family members walienda majuu na huwa wanamtumia pesa, so kazi ya kijana ni kuzunguka kuchukua pesa ya Rentals na kutupigia kelele na Subaru Impreza yake. He had a wife but… Alikuwa anamtandika daily, we got tired of separating them. Alivumilia hadi siku moja jamaa akaleta warembo from Club wakakuja kuendelesha sherehe kwa nyumba as the wife slept akaona amezidi akahepa. Sometimes usiku alikuwa anakuja and sings gospel songs kwa mlango yake waking…

I will never forget the year 2015,hiyo time I was doing clearing ya magari huko Mombasa and business was booming after the inception of “Vibrant” Jubilee Government. That Sunday night in my place pale Bombolulu I decided nipitie Twitter timeline after a weekend of partying… In Sin City pale Mtwapa with different women. We were celebrating after making a kill na my confidants. Was scrolling the timeline with my small smartphone with one eye open as the other dozed away then nikaona something alarming. One tweep who used to post medical stuff…

Kuna church ya AIC nilikuwa nashiriki,the pastor was loved by everyone but alikuwa ameskuma his wife kwa corner na mateso hadi she stopped attending the service,she always planned to storm the church and spill the beans but alikuwa ameandikiwa bouncers wa kumchunga every Sunday.. na any major event. Rumours had spread venye pastor alikuwa anakula wasichana wa Choir na ushers na pia how he munched married women after counseling them on their failing marriages. As believers tukikataa the rumours and our pastor confirmed its satan trying to bring him…

From Marakwet boys, I was admitted to UON nifanye Anthropology after performing well. Culture shock ilitugonga juu the only time tulikuja Nairobi ni siku tulipelekwa tour Mombasa ya pirates beach tukiwa pry school na tulipita Uhuru highway direct without stopping watching the… Tall buildings in awe. Huko Mombasa bus yetu was parked karibu na beach alafu tukasimamishwa near the shores in the scorching sun na full uniform tuone na tushike maji ya Indian Ocean. Looking back it was a total scam. Pale UON mambo haikuwa rahisi especially kwa the dating…

🧵 THE DESPARATE CEO AND THE SWEET TONGUE OF ELDORET BOYZ.

It had been six months since the tightly contested general elections, and the short, homely, and tough-looking man rubbed his belly as he gazed out the window of his well-furnished office on the top floor of the… building owned by the parastatal he heads. Outside, the rain was falling heavily...“People move on so fast” he thinks to himself clicking loudly as he remembers how his favorite candidate missed narrowly clinching the seat that could have changed his life for the better forever..

One of my longterm relationships ilivunjikia hapo 1824,nikitoka gents I saw one of her female colleagues so nikateremsha kofia yangu ya “Ng’ombe” I had been gifted after buying several rolls of barbed wire ndo asinione. Later I decided to approach some five ladies juu I had been locking eyes with the queen B who seemed to control their table,Nikaamua kuwaSurprise na Shisha,she congratulated me for my bravery and immediately paid her dues by rubbing my tummy na akatoa kofia yangu akavaa to “kill” me further. One of her friends alikuwa anafungua buttons…

NGINGIN SUWETAP MATELONG

Msipochunga hii mambo ya Rainbow,soon huko Eldoret wataanza hizo focus groups za recruiting new members kama GNLD. Recruits wanaambiwa kwa WhatsApp group meeting iko rooftop ya ile new building iko on your right ukitoka Eldy ukielekea Nairobi… Kwa parking the famous speaker, who is a Kalenjin and has been trending on Tiktok, has parked his new black Subaru Forester strategically near the entrance, so that as new members wanaingia, the recruiter mwenye anataka kuwaingiza stops momentarily and asks the new…