The paperback edition of ‘Anti Social’ is out now. Buy it, why don’t you?
Mar 29 • 6 tweets • 1 min read
Easter always reminds me of this, one of my favourite jokes:
Arcano was the greatest modern magician. His latest illusion would be his crowning glory. He spent months hand-picking a volunteer called Tim to help him perform it. On the chosen day, he gave Tim a large hammer. 1/
“Hit me in the head as hard as you can”, Arcano told Tim.
Tim was afraid, uncertain what to do. Arcano reminded the audience and Tim that waivers had been signed before witnesses. Whatever happened, Arcano was responsible. Eventually Tim raised the hammer & swung it down. 2/
Aug 23, 2023 • 7 tweets • 2 min read
Oh, fuck off. I’d try and say more but I’m bone-tired - of this and everything else - so just fuck off with this. Fuck off. Seriously. Just fuck off.
I defended somebody as a union rep who was about to get fired as they didn’t declare owning a small business that could potentially bid for work (they’d never done so & had no intention of doing so) in the local authority where they worked.
So just fuck off with this, please.
Jun 25, 2023 • 8 tweets • 2 min read
I'd like Elton John to open with I'm Still Standing, sung with perfect diction. Then he does it again. And again. Over & over. His only interaction with the audience being "Funny now, is it? IS IT? Right, here it is again". 2hrs of I'm Still Standing. Walks off flipping the bird.
Posted as a joke but the more I think about it, the more I think it'd be the greatest subversive art prank ever. A comment on the concept of spectacle. Relentlessly singing you're still standing at your final UK gig as you're booed & people leave in droves. Burn it all down.
Dec 31, 2021 • 12 tweets • 3 min read
Want to hear about my worst ever Christmas Day? Sure you do.
15-ish years ago, my then-girlfriend said her brother had invited us to spend Christmas day with him and his girlfriend at said girlfriend's mum's house. Sounds cosy, right? Nope. 1/
We were picked up by the brother in the morning (the house in question being in a remote part of Essex 45mins drive away). I thanked the brother for picking us up & he said he was glad to get out of the house for a bit. This should've been a warning sign. 2/
Feb 15, 2020 • 8 tweets • 2 min read
It feels a good day to say this:
I won't say 'A Beautiful Day In The Neighbourhood' is the best film I've seen this year (hello Jojo Rabbit) but I will say it seems to have fundamentally changed how I want to react to the world. It's lodged under my skin ever since. 1/
I've traded, to some extent, in anger for as long as I can remember & I thought it was doing me good because I managed to turn it into a decent turn of phrase for stuff I wrote. The side-effect was I held onto all of that rage - righteous rage, I told myself - constantly. 2/
Jun 24, 2019 • 5 tweets • 1 min read
There’s no point trying to debate or interview the truth out of Johnson. Not because he’s good at it & you’re bad. But because you’re operating on two very different versions of what ‘the truth’ actually means & is actually worth. 1/
For you, the truth will be part of your everyday normal moral furniture. You’ll occasionally have to go down into the cellar for a lie but you won’t like it down there & you won’t linger & you’ll wash your hands afterwards. 2/
Jan 26, 2019 • 13 tweets • 3 min read
How expensive it is. You can't buy groceries in bulk & often have to buy from corner shops with big markups. You probably have to use local cash machines that charge for withdrawals. The lurch in your gut whenever you do use cash machines never goes away.
You can't afford quality items that will last you years (clothes, furniture, etc.) so you're constantly buying cheap crap that will need replacing within months. Even though you do buy cheap, there's the constant fear something vital (like shoes) will need replacing.
