Disgraced cyclist. This is the best day of my life.
Nov 14, 2021 • 8 tweets • 2 min read
Your Rec Room, c. 1973
-thin orange-red carpet on cement
-wood panelling
-low ceiling
-mildew
-bar built by that one neighbor your parents don’t really trust
-20 lb. green ashtray
-exposed fiberglass
-dartboard, no darts
-2 vinyl chairs
-THINK AHEAd poster
Your Rec Room, c. 1973 (cont.)
-heavy bar stools that can’t be moved
-tiny window with sheer orange curtains
-blacklight poster your parents don’t realize is inappropriate for kids
-swatches of shag carpet
-ping pong table used for Thanksgiving dinners
Nov 20, 2018 • 26 tweets • 3 min read
Mom: Honestly, Ally!
Ally: We’re the savages, mom
Dad: Oh for Chrissakes. This again?
Ally: I mean why don’t we just eat the family cat with stuffing
Dad: GODDAMN IT
Mom: Ally, please don’t say that in front of Todd
Todd [staring at phone] I’d eat a cat
Dad: JESUS CHRIST, TODD
May 10, 2018 • 11 tweets • 1 min read
um I’m in a movie theater about to see PANDAS: AN IMAX ORIGINAL alone and Jane Goodall just walked in and sat down in front of me
I SCREAMED WHEN THE SHOW DOGS TRAILER CAME ON AND SHE LOOKED AT ME. SORRY GOODALL YOU’RE IN A HOUSEHOLD THAT LOVES CANINES
