I have a truly shit take on the whole Elon Musk thing, which I'll reply to this, but don't come at me, yo. I get the bigger picture, I really do, but ... I say we end capitalism. Like, immediately. It's killing the planet and it'll be the end of the human race, probably. That said, without the Infinity Gauntlet, I seem pretty powerless bringing it about. If I'm gonna have to live in this late stage endgame hellscape...

Right,

Thoughts of unbelievable excitement aside (and getting tweeted by the LEGEND that is Danny John Jules) I'm actually going to spend my day MAKING something I bought a dice tower off eBay.

Didn't think it was crap when I bought it, but it turned up and - well, it was crap.

Thin, badly glued, logo wonky etc. This was it:

ebay.co.uk/itm/Wood-Dice-…

As it's National Poetry Day, I wrote a poem

This year's theme is Vision, so ... Everyone looks
But not all see
The endless
Possibility
And with that seeing
Thirst for knowing
Where the truth
Is hidden, blowing
Settled dust
From buried gems
And fashion from them
Diadems.

Hi there

Occasionally for different reasons, people trawl through my timeline (I've been on this site for 11 years, so that's a fair bit of material) to find stuff that they can take offence at or inspire offence in others with. So, I just want to make something abundantly clear:

When I was a stand-up and a younger man, the culture on here was much darker and edgier. I made jokes about race, sexuality, politics... everything.

Say what you like about Johnson, but the bumbling swagger has always gone down well in certain quarters.

But how, HOW, could anyone look at this gang of rats hiding in a suit under a mop and say "That's MY Prime Minister."?

https://twitter.com/cononeilluk/status/1305545978439774208

The answer, btw, is that his supporters just like seeing pain inflicted on people they hate, so as long as he keeps doing that, they'll keep waving their BoJo flags.

But the witlessness of their leader and his clique tells you everything you need to know.

Hey kids,

You know in maths when you learn radius, diameter and circumference and you think "When am I ever going to need to know this?"

Well, I have a little craft project I'm working on and I ordered some clear plastic discs to work as little windows. The website I ordered them from was brilliant. So simple. You couldn't get it wrong.

Just put what diameter you want the circle to be and boom. They cut it and send it.

Just watched Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure with knuckles ready to bite.

So many movies I was looking forward to showing my kids that on rewatching, I realise are kind of horrible.

But B&TEA? Mate. So ahead of its time and still a great movie. Funny, big hearted and smart Yes, there's a few wobbles, sure. They hug, then immediately unembrace and call each other 'fag' - but even that seems like it comes from a place where their true nature's collide with societal expectation of homophobia, as opposed to them being comfortably homophobic.

I'm gonna throw two things your way.

1) Unbelievably cute kitten video

2) A tirade

Unfortunately, we start with 2.

I know the world doesn't need another middle-class cisgendered privileged white male to say shit about shit, but there's an idea that's sort of breaking me. You exist.

Your right to exist is exactly the same as everyone else's.

So the circumstances of your birth should not dictate your expectation of happiness, freedom or fulfilment. You are here by the same biological lottery as anyone else.

My daughter has been OBSESSED with getting a kitten for ages. It's all she's talked about (she's 9).

Today, Tiger moved in.

This is Tiger. She likes books. She'll fit right in. The two smallest* members of my family

*size of love for them inverse of stature

Hi.

I know what the world needs right now is a straight middle aged white man talking about weight loss and body image so, I just want to say:

All body shapes and sizes are fit as fuck if the person who owns that body _feels_ fit as fuck. Anyone giving you shit about weight or size has a little soul, that they're trying to make bigger by taking a bit of yours.

You wouldn't let them do that with your money. Don't let them do it with your self-worth.

Hi,

I have a genuine question about mental health.

I feel sad, angry & let down by this country. These feelings have fundamentally changed who I am and how I am.

But I don't think I have poor mental health. I think this is an entirely appropriate way of feeling. So, whilst aiming for optimistic nihilism our collective refusal to fairly distribute wealth/address the impending climate apocalypse/treat one another with respect sees the optimism dim, leaving just the nihilism.

You can reply to this tweet if you like, but I'm not really up for a debate so...

Here's what I don't get.

We've all stayed indoors for months, called Drs & Nurses heroes, bitten our nails for bankruptcies & redundancies all because an incurable virus might wipe out the elderly The scale of the sacrifice cannot be overstated. But we did it. We banded together, followed the advice. Got it done.

However, now, the idea of covering your airways when you're out and about is too much? The line that will not be crossed? Despite irrefutable evidence it works?

Am, unsurprisingly, a big fan of Will Ferrell.

Am also a fan of Eurovision. Ish.

But that new movie that came out today in Netflix is a hot mess and I have no idea how/why. The performances are all grand, the script is exactly what you expect from Ferrell & Co, they've definitely spent a few bob on it... but...