My immigrant dad took me aside yesterday to tell me he’s been restless because he doesn’t want me to lose work by posting things that are “inflammatory.”
He said I should just focus on mental health, not politics.

And here's how I responded >> I took a deep breath and told him:
“You came here in survival mode. You had to prove yourself to this country. You had to redo exams, you had to take what you could get, you couldn’t ask for more, and you were scared to rock the boat.

So you aren't going home for the holidays and you feel anxious or nervous for setting this boundary because there's no way your family will understand... I can help.

Here are tips from a mental health professional on approaching this conversation🧵 It is difficult to stick to a boundary, especially in an enmeshed family, or a family where boundaries are not encouraged or respected. It’s also brave and scary to put yourself first when you may be expected to choose your family at the expense of your own well-being.

What does it look like to go home for the holidays & be in an environment that might be chaotic? How can you take care of yourself when you're going to be around ppl who might constantly misunderstand you, or who you don’t feel connected to or comfortable around?
Here are tips🧵 In Western conversations around boundary setting, a lot of the advice can be extreme or rigid. Just don’t go. Say no. Stick to the consequences. Is this bad advice? Not necessarily. Is it doable for everyone? Not necessarily.

ONE in FOUR children in the U.S. has at least one foreign-born parent. For World Mental Health Day, I want to highlight some of the most common cultural conflicts that children of immigrants & bicultural folks, like me, can experience, impacting our mental health >> In one culture, we may learn that assertion, being seen, risk-taking, and explicit communication are rewarded when in our other culture, we have been taught that intentionality, listening, observation, and implicit communication are signs of wisdom and maturity.

In my recent @washingtonpost column, a reader asks me how to handle when longterm friends & colleagues mispronounce their name. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised by the comments, but folks really don't understand how harmful this can be to a person's psyche.

Here's my advice: It might seem like a small thing, but in fact, when others continuously mispronounce someone’s name, or assign a nickname for their own ease, it’s considered a name-based microaggression.

As a daughter of immigrants, I am constantly mourning a loss of my cultural identity & family history. This has been especially heightened since my last grandparent died a few years ago.

So in grad school, I focused a part of my study on how to cope w/ cultural bereavement 🧵 This grief can present itself as cultural imposter syndrome. It's felt like I'm constantly tumbling into the unknown as I grapple with a loss of grounding or belonging in my Indian culture. And I know I'm not alone...

If you grew up in a household that was riddled with conflict or fraught with tension. Or if your parents primarily modeled conflict -- not conflict resolution -- then it makes sense that you grew up equating all conflict as bad & have learned to avoid it at all costs >> Maybe you learned to play the role of a counselor with your parents, so you may have been conditioned to believe that your loyalty to the people you love is demonstrated by how well you can keep the peace; you learned to contort yourself in ways that allowed you to ease tension.

I think it's really important to understand the differences between self-care and self-soothing (and why it's necessary to engage in both if possible)🧵 Self-care practices support an individual's growth long term and help people feel rooted in their life and values whereas self-soothing practices are often coping skills in the moment of crisis, stress, or overwhelm helping people feel grounded in the moment.

Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas who moved across the world to plant roots in an unknown land. The ones who didn't have a roadmap and are trying their best. The ones who never looked back in order to create a life where we can intentionally make choices they never had. Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas who became fathers at the same age we are still exploring what we want. The ones who were parenting themselves as they were learning to parent us. The ones learning to be fathers without their fathers to guide them.

Many of us are so focused on the WHAT and WHEN of our achievements and successes because we may have been taught, modeled or conditioned to believe our identities should be built around them (or our worthiness is directly tied to them). But when we do this, it can be easy to lose sight of the WHY & more importantly the HOW. It’s okay if it’s not easy, if it took a long time, if the road twisted & turned & you got stuck at a roundabout going in circles, if you changed your mind, if you had to start over.

Many children of immigrants experience hidden grief or disenfranchised grief that is not acknowledged by society or the systems we live in. Here are things you may need to process grief around as it relates to family, identity, friendships, romantic relationships, & stigma >> You may grieve lost oral history or inaccessible generational stories because parents/elders don't want to talk about it. You may grieve entire relationships you weren't able to have or sustain because extended family lived far or you couldn't communicate in a shared language.

Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas who moved across the world to plant roots in an unknown land. The ones who didn't have a roadmap and are trying their best. The ones who never looked back in order to create a life where we can intentionally make choices they never had. Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas who became fathers at the same age we are still exploring what we want. The ones who were parenting themselves as they were learning to parent us. The ones learning to be fathers without their fathers to guide them.

Happy Mother’s Day to the immigrant moms who left their own homes before they even knew themselves and moved across the world w/ partners they may not have known very well only to birth life in a new country and plant roots in an unknown land. Happy Mother’s Day to the immigrant moms who nurtured their children’s growth regardless of where it would take us. The ones who spent their whole lives putting themselves last, catering to our every whim, and making our everyday lives easier, often without appreciation.

Many children of immigrants experience hidden grief or disenfranchised grief that is not acknowledged by society or the systems we live in. Here are things you may need to process grief around as it relates to family, identity, friendships, romantic relationships, & stigma >> You may grieve lost oral history or inaccessible generational stories because parents/elders don't want to talk about it. You may grieve entire relationships you weren't able to have or sustain because extended family lived far or you couldn't communicate in a shared language.

Many children of immigrants have access to resources our parents didn't have, and prioritizing healing & growth is great & all... but can we please talk about what it REALLY feels like -- and how incredibly painful & hard it can be -- to emotionally outgrow your parents & family? You love them but you can't heal them. You love them but you understand things in ways they don’t have language for. You love them but you're left having to rationalize their behaviors while simultaneously working through how it may be affecting you.

ONE in FOUR children in the U.S. has at least one foreign-born parent. So for World Mental Health Day, I want to highlight the unique mental health struggles that immigrant children & bicultural folks, like me, can experience at the intersection of our two differing cultures >> 1. In one culture we may be taught that seeing a therapist and/or talking about our mental health struggles is selfish and shameful, and in our other culture, we are taught that caring for our mental health is a sign of courage and bravery.

For children of immigrants, it's not uncommon to develop self-sabotaging behaviors for various reasons. >>

1. You may have been told that you're one thing or that you should be or do one thing, so now you may try to make your life work in that box, even if it doesn't feel right. 2. You may have grown up in a household where you had to learn to be comfortable with instability, so now as an adult you set your own upper limit potential -- or your own comfort for success -- that inhibits your growth.

While this is not an exhaustive list, here are 10 benefits of going to therapy for children of immigrants >> 1. Therapy can help you navigate your bicultural identity, multiple cultures, and the differing norms, values, and expectations.

2. It can provide a confidential, productive space to vent and work through struggles without fear of your community finding out.

Relationships with immigrant dads can be fraught and complicated. I know mine has been in the past, but today I want to acknowledge his journey, and those like him, with compassion and gratitude. >> Happy Father's Day to the immigrant Papas who moved across the world to plant roots in an unknown land. The ones who didn't have a roadmap and are trying their best. The ones who never looked back in order to create a life where we can intentionally make choices they never had.

Happy Mother’s Day to the immigrant moms who left their own homes before they even knew themselves and moved across the world w/ partners they may not have known very well only to birth life in a new country and plant roots in an unknown land. Happy Mother’s Day to the immigrant moms who nurtured their children’s growth regardless of where it would take us. The ones who spent their whole lives putting themselves last, catering to our every whim, and making our everyday lives easier, often without appreciation.

For children of immigrants, there's a number of reasons why it may be difficult to show up wholly and authentically in your everyday life and relationships. >> 1. You may not have been taught how to handle failure or setbacks and/or you may not have been taught that quitting, walking away, or saying no can be acts of strength. These may manifest themselves as you "powering through" even when it's unhealthy or you're unhappy.