This Continues The Onion’s Ongoing Coverage Of The Trump Hush Money Trial Only three out of four of Trump’s defense attorneys returned from recess after one was hit by a car while chasing a butterfly.

Everything Elon Musk Did While Visiting Israel bit.ly/40WyhUU Asked If He Could Get A Circumcision: Elon Musk revealed that he was under the assumption that the procedure was free if he visited Israel. bit.ly/3NqWDAX

Politicians Explain Why They Will Not Endorse A Ceasefire bit.ly/3QFLq1l “I haven’t gotten to experience a world war since my boyhood.” — Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) bit.ly/3slsDif

bit.ly/44VoJKd “Whether or not I’m engaging in safe sex, I should always feel deeply ashamed of myself.” — Raul Cavello, 15 bit.ly/3EQIVCk

With the 2023 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis of every team in the NFC. bit.ly/3LgvdMS San Francisco 49ers Strength: Job security for management. bit.ly/3sLtrNw

theonion.com/2023-nfl-seaso… Buffalo Bills Strength: They probably won’t have a guy nearly die on the field again. bit.ly/3Z7Gu85

Republicans React To Biden’s State Of The Union Address bit.ly/3DP6taO Republicans React To Biden’s State Of The Union Address bit.ly/3DP6taO

Disgraced FTX Cryptocurrency founder Sam Bankman-Fried was arrested in the Bahamas for defrauding investors. The Onion asked prominent CEOs what they thought about the arrest of the “Crypto King,” and this is what they said. bit.ly/3YoFLOR CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried bit.ly/3YoFLOR

Arizona senator Kyrsten Sinema recently switched party affiliations and registered as an Independent. The Onion asked U.S. senators what they thought of the move, and here’s what they said. bit.ly/3uKWf6n Senators React To Kyrsten Sinema Leaving Democratic Party bit.ly/3uKWf6n

Here—in The Onion’s first-ever roundtable discussion—the paper’s editorial columnists argue whether Biden should run again in a legally binding debate—one that will force President Biden to bend to our ultimate decision or face immediate imprisonment. bit.ly/3DpgYQY Do Your Worst To Me, But I’ll Never Tell You Bastards Whether I Think Biden Should Run In 2024 bit.ly/3WuKCNM

This November, Herschel Walker will be on the ballot to represent Georgia in the U.S. Senate. The Onion asked Georgians why they are voting for the Republican and former NFL player, and this is what they said. bit.ly/3V0gsRC bit.ly/3V0gsRC

FBI agents raided former President Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort last week. The Onion provides exclusive access to what the federal law enforcement agency seized. theonion.com/everything-the… Ivana’s Skull bit.ly/3wGmJHK

theonion.com/conservatives-… “I am going to spank the FBI.” — Kevin McCarthy | @GOPLeader bit.ly/3zL2qte

Republicans Explain Why They Voted Against Veterans’ Healthcare bit.ly/3oFbV85 “You have to be a fucking moron to join the U.S. military at this point, and I’m not rewarding these people for their idiocy.” — @RonJohnsonWI bit.ly/3oFbV85

Most Frequent Google Search In Every State bit.ly/3xxhqtB What the bible says about squirrels bit.ly/3xxhqtB

'No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens bit.ly/3LL7T7p 'No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens bit.ly/3MQDvK0

bit.ly/3xJLJio Our decision to buy a stake in Twitter follows a prolonged and heavily publicized battle with the social media company. (1/7) 🧵

On Apr. 21, 2022, The Onion was found guilty of the truth in a sham trial presided over by Judge Jack Dorsey and his jury of sycophant moderators. A darkness has fallen upon the Fourth Estate. It is a darkness only seen after a nation’s sole beacon of journalistic truth-telling is snuffed out.

Senators Explain The Importance Of Political Compromise bit.ly/3agMxyr “As a longtime Republican lawmaker, I’ve learned that digging in our heels accomplishes nothing but getting us everything we want.” @LeaderMcConnell bit.ly/3agMxyr

Sure, your favorite team’s GM sucks, but could you do any better? bit.ly/33fZbdB Winning Formula: Preternatural ability to attract defenders with an industrial-sized magnet.

Cause For Concern: Are you really gonna blow a third of your budget on the first guy? Get a grip, man. bit.ly/3b4ulsO