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The Onion Profile picture
The Onion
@TheOnion
America's Finest News Source.
Joshua Cypess Profile picture Bruce David Profile picture Enrico Pallazzo Profile picture Janine White Profile picture Nanneka Madikaegbu Profile picture 11 subscribed
May 7 • 11 tweets • 1 min read
This Continues The Onion’s Ongoing Coverage Of The Trump Hush Money Trial Image Only three out of four of Trump’s defense attorneys returned from recess after one was hit by a car while chasing a butterfly.
Nov 28, 2023 • 9 tweets • 5 min read
Everything Elon Musk Did While Visiting Israel bit.ly/40WyhUU Asked If He Could Get A Circumcision: Elon Musk revealed that he was under the assumption that the procedure was free if he visited Israel. bit.ly/3NqWDAX
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Oct 31, 2023 • 5 tweets • 3 min read
Politicians Explain Why They Will Not Endorse A Ceasefire bit.ly/3QFLq1l “I haven’t gotten to experience a world war since my boyhood.” — Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) bit.ly/3slsDif
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Sep 20, 2023 • 5 tweets • 3 min read
bit.ly/44VoJKd “Whether or not I’m engaging in safe sex, I should always feel deeply ashamed of myself.” — Raul Cavello, 15 bit.ly/3EQIVCk
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Sep 10, 2023 • 7 tweets • 4 min read
With the 2023 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis of every team in the NFC. bit.ly/3LgvdMS San Francisco 49ers Strength: Job security for management. bit.ly/3sLtrNw
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Sep 9, 2023 • 5 tweets • 3 min read
theonion.com/2023-nfl-seaso… Buffalo Bills Strength: They probably won’t have a guy nearly die on the field again. bit.ly/3Z7Gu85
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Feb 8, 2023 • 4 tweets • 2 min read
Republicans React To Biden’s State Of The Union Address bit.ly/3DP6taO Image Republicans React To Biden’s State Of The Union Address bit.ly/3DP6taO Image
Dec 15, 2022 • 8 tweets • 4 min read
Disgraced FTX Cryptocurrency founder Sam Bankman-Fried was arrested in the Bahamas for defrauding investors. The Onion asked prominent CEOs what they thought about the arrest of the “Crypto King,” and this is what they said. bit.ly/3YoFLOR CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried bit.ly/3YoFLOR
Dec 13, 2022 • 5 tweets • 3 min read
Arizona senator Kyrsten Sinema recently switched party affiliations and registered as an Independent. The Onion asked U.S. senators what they thought of the move, and here’s what they said. bit.ly/3uKWf6n Senators React To Kyrsten Sinema Leaving Democratic Party bit.ly/3uKWf6n Image
Nov 2, 2022 • 9 tweets • 5 min read
Here—in The Onion’s first-ever roundtable discussion—the paper’s editorial columnists argue whether Biden should run again in a legally binding debate—one that will force President Biden to bend to our ultimate decision or face immediate imprisonment. bit.ly/3DpgYQY Do Your Worst To Me, But I’ll Never Tell You Bastards Whether I Think Biden Should Run In 2024 bit.ly/3WuKCNM A black and white picture o...
Oct 6, 2022 • 4 tweets • 0 min read
Oct 4, 2022 • 6 tweets • 3 min read
This November, Herschel Walker will be on the ballot to represent Georgia in the U.S. Senate. The Onion asked Georgians why they are voting for the Republican and former NFL player, and this is what they said. bit.ly/3V0gsRC bit.ly/3V0gsRC Woman next to a quote that ...
Aug 31, 2022 • 7 tweets • 4 min read
FBI agents raided former President Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort last week. The Onion provides exclusive access to what the federal law enforcement agency seized. theonion.com/everything-the… Ivana’s Skull bit.ly/3wGmJHK Image
Aug 10, 2022 • 5 tweets • 3 min read
theonion.com/conservatives-… “I am going to spank the FBI.” — Kevin McCarthy | @GOPLeader bit.ly/3zL2qte Image
Jul 29, 2022 • 9 tweets • 6 min read
Republicans Explain Why They Voted Against Veterans’ Healthcare bit.ly/3oFbV85 “You have to be a fucking moron to join the U.S. military at this point, and I’m not rewarding these people for their idiocy.” — @RonJohnsonWI bit.ly/3oFbV85
Jun 16, 2022 • 5 tweets • 3 min read
Most Frequent Google Search In Every State bit.ly/3xxhqtB Image What the bible says about squirrels bit.ly/3xxhqtB Image
May 25, 2022 • 21 tweets • 10 min read
'No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens bit.ly/3LL7T7p Image 'No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens bit.ly/3MQDvK0 Image
Apr 21, 2022 • 8 tweets • 1 min read
bit.ly/3xJLJio Our decision to buy a stake in Twitter follows a prolonged and heavily publicized battle with the social media company. (1/7) 🧵
Apr 21, 2022 • 5 tweets • 1 min read
On Apr. 21, 2022, The Onion was found guilty of the truth in a sham trial presided over by Judge Jack Dorsey and his jury of sycophant moderators. A darkness has fallen upon the Fourth Estate. It is a darkness only seen after a nation’s sole beacon of journalistic truth-telling is snuffed out.
Oct 7, 2021 • 4 tweets • 3 min read
Senators Explain The Importance Of Political Compromise bit.ly/3agMxyr “As a longtime Republican lawmaker, I’ve learned that digging in our heels accomplishes nothing but getting us everything we want.” @LeaderMcConnell bit.ly/3agMxyr
May 5, 2021 • 4 tweets • 2 min read
Sure, your favorite team’s GM sucks, but could you do any better? bit.ly/33fZbdB Winning Formula: Preternatural ability to attract defenders with an industrial-sized magnet.

Cause For Concern: Are you really gonna blow a third of your budget on the first guy? Get a grip, man. bit.ly/3b4ulsO Image