#AndThenThereWasThatOneTime Spider-Man fought Blacula in a movie theater and also Blacula was Morgan Freeman.
For real. It is.
"Every time I drink someone's blood, I gain a freckle."
May 11, 2021 • 7 tweets • 1 min read
Okay, so in the "World of Darkness" RPG series, God punishes Caine for the murder of his brother by... *checks rulebook*
...making him immortal, invincible, and giving him the power to do literally anything just by thinking about it.
Then God punished the rest of humanity for... *checks Bible* ...no specific reason, by flooding the entire world and killing everyone.
May 10, 2021 • 6 tweets • 2 min read
Vault 131 - All overhead electric lighting designed to fail approximately ten days after vault is sealed. There are no replacement parts in vault storage. #VaultTec
Vault 140 - Vault occupants placed in ten year cryogenic suspension once vault is sealed. Cryogenic chambers of all occupants over the age of 14 are rigged to fail and terminate its occupant. #VaultTec
May 9, 2021 • 8 tweets • 1 min read
Watched "The 13th Warrior" for the first time in years. Very fun b-movie, feels very D&D with all its macho men and dungeon crawling.
Anyone who sees this will immediately want to roll up a Barbarian character just so they can talk all Bad Ass Norseman-like and get themselves killed while screaming "LO THERE DO I SEE MY FATHER!!"
Feb 8, 2021 • 30 tweets • 5 min read
Bilbo: Hey, Thorin.
Thorin: What now, Dumbo?
Bilbo: It's... it's Bilbo, actu--
Thorin: I know what it is.
Bilbo: I was just, well, I guess I'm a little unclear as to what my role in all this is.
Thorin: Join the fucking club.
Gandalf: We seek the Arkenstone, Bilbo.
Bifur: Aye, to Erebor, home of our people and the most precious of jewels.
Bilbo: Ah.
Thorin: And with it, our kin are restored to our mountain home.
Bilbo: How's that?
Thorin: How's what?
Bilbo: Well, I'm to steal this Arkenstone, and then what?
Thorin: That's it.
Jan 19, 2021 • 4 tweets • 1 min read
My god. This is the list of statues Trump wants in his "National Garden of American Heroes."
About a third of these people listed weren't even American.
About another third of them owned slaves, the rest notoriously opposed civil rights... I see a couple who named names to the House Un-American Activities Committee... oh, here's one who voiced support for Hitler... a rapist...
Jan 7, 2021 • 8 tweets • 2 min read
It's easy to lose perspective when talking about Trump; always has been. But right now, four people are dead because he directed his supporters to literally attack Congress.
I don't think he's ever understood (or cared) that people live or die based on his decisions.
*Four people* are dead because he told the MAGA crowd to storm the Capitol and raise hell. They're gone.
I get vertigo just trying to comprehend the death toll from his idiot non-response to the coronavirus. They didn't have to die. He killed them. Over a quarter-million people.
Jan 7, 2021 • 5 tweets • 1 min read
I am reminded of the time Angry Joe and I were in D.C., and Joe wanted to film a sketch in front of the Supreme Court, dressed as Corporate Commander. I made him wait while I went to the nearest policeman and told him what we were up to, fearing a sharpshooter would take Joe out.
I put myself in the mind of one of the rooftop snipers, idly scouting for threats when suddenly, he sees COBRA Commander, and instincts hardwired in since childhood take over, and without even thinking, the trigger is pulled.
Jan 7, 2021 • 5 tweets • 1 min read
The Ordo Dracul APPEAR to be among the few covenants who aren't bugfuck evil. It's likely how they rope in newbies.
But then you find out what they're really up to.
They are not good people. They are bad, BAD people.
All that stuff about "hang on to your humanity," "blend in with mortals, work with them?" You know what they're doing?
They're trying to make fucking daywalkers so they can take over the fucking world. They don't give a shit about mortals or any Masquerade. Daywalkers.
Jan 7, 2021 • 5 tweets • 1 min read
I never felt that line was interpreted properly.
Ironically, the only group that (in my opinion) got it right were the Lancea Sanctum-- also the group I had the most trouble with. The Sanctum acted ABHORRENTLY, their reasoning being to SCARE people into believing in God.
As in "we will act like the most evil, sadistic, unholy monsters you picture in your nightmares. By doing so, by showing you true demonic capital-E EVIL, therefore a righteous God must exist."
It's a great motivation. It is also completely psychotic, and not suitable for a PC.
Jan 7, 2021 • 6 tweets • 2 min read
With a good DM, sure, Werewolf is fine. That's the real problem with most World of Darkness settings: your DM has to be *sharp* to present any kind of meaningful story and create a bond between characters who are all (let's be fair) violent, unrepentant murderers.
You'd be surprised at how many confused looks I'd get around the table when I explained to my VtM group that they *are* supposed to be the good guys, or at least antiheroes. There's a reason Humanity is tracked so closely in that game; it's to make you NOT want to be a monster.
Which of these Kindred clans does NOT claim that Grigori Rasputin belongs (or belonged) to their clan?
🧿 Tremere
🌹 Toreador
👑 Ventrue
🎭 Nosferatu
🤪 Malkavian
🐍 Followers of Set
HINT: the answer is only one of these.
Nov 5, 2020 • 7 tweets • 1 min read
One time I won a game of scrabble with the word "CRWTH."
Yes. It is a word.
I only knew that because I studied bardic stuff to get in character. My opponent was... rather vulgar.
A crwth is a pile of crap bowed string instrument, and beside bagpipes, the most likely instrument to get a bard lynched within seconds was the crwth.
I presume the crwth is of Welsh design, mainly because it's horrible and the Welsh have not yet invented vowels.
Nov 3, 2020 • 4 tweets • 1 min read
Okay, I really don't get this Damien Priest guy. First off, this fucking name. Damien Priest. Jericho Caine. Darkshade Exorcist. Fucking spare me.
And then there's this "Archer of Infamy" thing. What in the hell is that supposed to mean? He shoots an invisible bow. At nothing.
Are we supposed to infer that he actually can shoot a bow if he wanted? I really want to know. Otherwise why is he calling himself an Archer of Infamy? Is that supposed to scare me?
Nov 3, 2020 • 5 tweets • 2 min read
Yeah, well hold off a while longer. And there've been some massive lopsided elections, so it'd really have to be something to stand out.
*Thomas Jefferson won 92% of the electoral vote in 1804
Well, Druids have always been a weird sort. They were the first class to adopt what I call the "Asshole Neutral" alignment, which meant they sought balance in literally all things. Meaning their loyalty would shift on a dime if they thought a battle was unfair.
Just terrible.
Nov 2, 2020 • 5 tweets • 1 min read
The appeal of the Monk class is also its primary downside: they're the total package when it comes to ass-kicking. You can't disarm a Monk... at least, not without making a huge mess.
That means they don't have much interest in magic swag, or even money in general.
And it's not like you're ever likely to find magic Monk gear outside of their homeland. That means the Monk can stay away from any potential arguments in splitting up the loot. From an upgrade perspective, they're no-maintenance.
Jun 8, 2019 • 10 tweets • 2 min read
Ah, I see the Dark Powers have finally pulled Trump into Ravenloft. About damn time.
My god, you're right. This changes everything. How dare these unborn children have the gall to falsify their birth certificates and live here illegally and... and... WORK and... it's all just too horrible.
"OKAY EVERYONE LOAD UP THE TRAINS! We got a hot tip from a couple of midwives! They've blown the whole Mexican immigration racket wide open! NO I DON'T CARE ABOUT THEIR BIRTH CERTIFICATES! I told you, they're fake!"
Aug 11, 2018 • 10 tweets • 2 min read
I watched "The Departed" again after many years. A few things: 1) Jack Nicholson is way, WAY over the top in this movie. The dude is seriously chewing the scenery. Scorcese gave him way too much free rein.
2) The twist that Costello (the Boston crime boss) turns out to be a protected FBI informant makes little sense to me. They explain that's why the state police could never make any charges stick, but given that they've pretty much WATCHED him murder people, that's bullshit.
