A few radio hosts have asked me in recent days how Justin Trudeau could *possibly* alleviate a recession rooted in global economic forces beyond our control. Here's one crazy idea: We could start selling people our ocean of natural gas that they keep begging us for. "Nope, that's Qatar's job. We'll just be poor, thanks."

Right now, there is a progressive politician somewhere losing sleep over the fact that his constituents are allowed to use things that function well and make them happy. nationalpost.com/news/canada/ga… "Functioning straws ... reliable automobiles ... durable clothing ... AHHHHHH!"

*wakes up in cold sweat*

If I can characterize the primary difference between Stephen Harper and Justin Trudeau, it's that one appreciated that the majority of the country hated him. The other does not. I'm thinking we should henceforth employ a Parliament Hill staffer whose only job is to follow around the current PM whispering "remember, most people hate you."

Canada is the most singularly pro-immigration country on earth; it's easily our most admirable national trait. But if the current government was actively trying to awaken Canadian anti-immigration sentiment, it's hard to see what they would be doing different. Jacking up immigration targets to unprecedented levels while brazenly shrugging at the fact that, given current circumstances, it will make our housing and health-care crises exponentially worse.

Idea: We have just one federal election where Toronto can't participate, sort of like those elections they had during the US Civil War where the South wasn't present. If literally everything gets better in four years, we give Toronto to Belgium. Belgium could literally plunder Toronto like a colony and Torontonians would gladly take it all just to see themselves on all those Economist "best European cities" indices.

To imagine what Trudeau government gun policy looks like to a gun owner, just imagine if motor vehicle laws were set by legislators who had only ever seen cars in movies. "Speed limits now 20 in all urban areas: Even the slightest tap to the side of a car can cause it to explode."

I'm going to start an utterly made-up organization called the World Country Ranking Institute and just constantly put out bullshit indexes with Canada at the top ("best country for families," etc). Then, after Gerald Butts has retweeted 10 of them, I'll reveal the ruse. Headquartered in Geneva, Switzerland, the World Country Ranking Institute (WCRI) is a globally recognized research hub on the intersection of wellness, alternative energy and economic development.

"A truly critical resource" - The Economist

When I'm eventually cancelled, my dream is to become the programming director at a retirement home where I will blow the entire annual budget on a nonagenarian-only production of The Wall. The Trial WILL feature nudity and pyrotechnics.

I never cease to be baffled and outraged that you can read a children's book with 40 words total and the author is a different person than the illustrator. Page 1: Where is the cat?
Page 2: Why does the dog have spots?
Page 3: Can you say 'red'?
The End.

And address the royalty cheques to my Florida address this time, idiot.

So I finally got around to reading the BC government's official report into its deadly problem with "catch and release" justice. Not one of the 28 recommendations comes even close to "maybe don't release violent criminals and sex offenders before trial." news.gov.bc.ca/files/Investig… Mental health supports can fix *some* of the problem with recidivist offenders but ... jesus christ, just stop releasing people who love to rape and assault strangers.

My totally novel way to address modern-day sex scarcity: Find someone who wants to bang you a few times a week and enter into some kind of legal contract where you live together and she tells you to do things and stuff. The first point is key: You may be compatible on all kinds of other metrics, but the "wanting to bang often" is pretty critical.

Norman Rockwell clearly never attended a city council meeting. Otherwise, this would be a painting of a man wearing far too many buttons rising to mumble a speech about the tyranny of water fluoridation. "May I direct you to section 9 of the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea ..."

Literally the only benefit to having me as an elected official is that I would be just as much of a cheapskate in public office. I'd take the bus, pack lunches to international summits and my moving expenses would all be a flat fee of $100 paid to a friend I call "The Messenger." Literally every state dinner.

When my wife and I moved to Edmonton from Vancouver 3 years ago, the thing we loved most about the city was that it wasn't strewn with needles. That's over: This was in my backyard today. 2 weeks ago there were two in the front. Addicts are treating my community like a toilet. .@CityofEdmonton knew that our overdose crisis was primarily happening in the suburbs. They opened FOUR safe injection sites in the core anyway, ignoring resident pleas that their streets would soon be strewn with needles and public disorder.