Sometimes healing is feeling that the you of long ago—the one you were shamed for, tried to hide, built towers of anxiety to refine yourself away from—that person was perfectly lovable all along. Sometimes love in the present can be transported into (your memory of) the past.

You can dare to let that old self—the hidden you—leak through bit by bit, testing the waters, and maybe in the present someone says “yes, more please”.

Yesterday was not as emotionally difficult as I expected. Until the very end, where I experienced the most clear-cut triggering ever. An innocuous interaction brought up a lifetime of history and I was sobbing within 15 min. I’m proud of how much progress I’ve made. I could tell immediately I had been triggered, and I first worked on processing my feelings alone, trying hard not to spill them onto anyone else.

I've been exploring the Enneagram for self-understanding and growth. My type is "five": The Observer (enneagraminstitute.com/type-5).

"Fives feel [they can't] do things as well as others. But rather than engage directly with activities that might bolster their confidence, ... ... Fives 'take a step back' into their minds where they feel more capable. Their belief is that from the safety of their minds, they will eventually figure out how to do things—and one day rejoin the world."

Oooof. Just @ me next time.