Bess Kalb Profile picture
Writer and producer of television, books, and children.
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Sep 19 7 tweets 2 min read
A beautiful and historic tradition is if a mourner perishes while waiting in the 24-hour line to see the Queen lying in state, he or she gets buried with her. They can fit up to nine (9) bodies in with the deceased monarch’s corpse until they need to use the Exceedingly Capacious Coffin. That has only happened once, after the tragic death of Prince Jameth III.
Sep 18 4 tweets 1 min read
Aug 10 8 tweets 2 min read
Ah hi! I tweeted this before the pandemic, when I was five months postpartum and before I had my second child. It's gotten a lot of "you go girl" and "girlboss" retweets and while I appreciate the support, I think it's wildly outdated after the past two years... When all of these big accomplishments happened, I had fulltime help after a five (!) month maternity leave, three of which were paid, and two were covered by Cal Family Leave and supplemented by my personal savings from my career as a TV comedy writer.
May 17 9 tweets 2 min read
The formula shortage is an example of how free market capitalism does exactly what right wing fear-mongers think socialism will do. "But grocery shelves will be empty!" No, fuckos. When three corporations form a de facto monopoly, greed takes precedence over fairness even if - and excuse the all caps but I am physically screaming - BABIES ARE THE ONES WHO SUFFER.
Dec 9, 2021 4 tweets 1 min read
Hey if you could spare a prayer for my 2-year-old right now, his granola bar wrapper was pulled down slightly too low and it’s unclear if a recovery from this is possible. I’ve never seen someone more depressed. He’s Llewyn Davis in dump truck pajamas.
Jun 1, 2021 11 tweets 5 min read
@NancyMace Thank goodness they took care to 100% avoid the house paint... @NancyMace I shudder at the three attempts at an "Anarchy Symbol" and then "Pass the pro act."
Jun 1, 2021 4 tweets 2 min read
A lot of people are saying this is 100% fake but then I saw the delicately written "Fuck you nancy" in small lettering on easy-to-wash places not touching the house's paint and yes - that is the unmistakable rallying cry of Antifa. The part that rings the most ideologically consistent to me is "All politicians are bastards" and "Pass the pro act."
Apr 14, 2021 9 tweets 2 min read
My son made his first friend at a park today. They shared. They showed each other big rocks. They ran around giggling. They waved “bye bye” when it was time to go. Then the kid’s mom unlocked a Tesla with a Bloomberg bumper sticker so my son did not make his first friend today. To the people weighing in about what kind of parent I am - thank you. I've reflected, learned, and grown since writing this tweet. At your urging, I reached out to the Bloomberg SUV lady and she invited me and my son to her gated estate in Calabasas. Then things took a turn. (1)
Apr 12, 2021 4 tweets 1 min read
In elementary school my team lost unfairly in a game of dodgeball because the other side hit our last man standing in the head and I challenged it and our PE teacher said “In a year you won’t remember this game” and I said “What’s the date?” and he said “April 11th.” Here we are. I will pass the story of 4/11 down to my son and it will never be forgotten.
Mar 5, 2021 5 tweets 2 min read
I am insane and zoomed in on another picture of her carrying and in the spirit of Edward R. Murrow-level journalism I'm humbled to announce in a parody of white feminism Krysten Sinema [sic] voted against a $15 living wage while carrying a giant Lululemon bag. I wish I could tell you it isn't true, but the bag is evidently called the "Happy Hatha Hour" bag, and its manufacturer's intent was for the wearer to take it from yoga to cocktails. Goodnight and good luck.
Mar 4, 2021 8 tweets 1 min read
LA's Tier 1C is now open to astrologists, NHL season ticket holders, and anyone who drives a Nissan Cube. By April we expect to vaccinate all natural redheads, licensed interior decorators, and people with a child named "River."
Dec 29, 2020 11 tweets 4 min read
In 2007 I was a college sophomore returning to campus from winter break and I picked up a Vanity Fair in Penn Station and read Christopher Hitchens' article "Why Women Aren't Funny." Here's how it began. This is a real article printed in a real magazine by a (formerly) real man. During the train ride from New York to Rhode Island, I became radicalized. I was a Poli Sci major who wanted to be a political speechwriter. By the time we got to Providence, I decided to drop out of college the following semester to intern for The Colbert Report. I did.
Dec 15, 2020 6 tweets 1 min read
Ok ready for a story about masks? Last week we took the baby to a doctor’s appointment. We were in close contact with the doctor in a small enclosed room for 21 minutes (they later checked the logs). At one point when she was examining my son, her face was directly next to mine. We got a call the next day saying the pediatrician tested positive for COVID-19, and we had all been exposed. Our first thought was: Holy shit, our baby was unmasked (he is MAGA) in a room with a COVID-carrier. The only hope for our family was that the doctor was wearing an N95.
Nov 23, 2020 6 tweets 1 min read
Seasons greetings! If you travel during the holidays you are facilitating of a tidal wave of virus coming to kill vulnerable people. Yes! You! Actually you! Ok have a great one! If you "weighed the risks" and "thought about it a lot" and "are making an exception in an extreme personal case" I completely understand and also the virus absolutely does not give a fuck as it ravages through people unintentionally in your wake!
Jul 29, 2020 4 tweets 1 min read
A friend's male assistant is a fake email account she runs because people called her "difficult" and "impossible" for having small windows of availability until "he" started running interference and then people just accepted she was fucking busy. I AM VERY INTO THIS. OK coming up with names for my fake male assistant. Bryan or Brian? I am leaning towards "Bryan" but could go either way. This is very smart!!
Jun 18, 2020 4 tweets 1 min read
Hello from an immunocompromised person who is the primary source of calories for a sweet, severely formula-allergic baby. If you do not think you should wear a mask, you are threatening a goofy boy who claps his gentle ravioli hands and shrieks “CAAABAA!” when the cat walks by. Relaxing social distancing guidelines in the middle of a pandemic is going to spread covid into the community, and definitively going to kill a lot of people who would have otherwise lived if people gave just SLIGHTLY more of a shit. So, be the one who doesn’t do that. Thanks!
May 19, 2020 6 tweets 1 min read
Bridget Jones’s Diary Rachel Getting Married
May 16, 2020 4 tweets 2 min read
The past few years working with Fred Willard was the kind of privilege that made me second-guess reality. He was so kind, so game, and so room-destroyingly funny until the end. Here’s a thread of him in his 80s being a master of his craft, kablaming you with joy. Long live Fred. Fred gave the kind of performances that elevated the material to something devilish and gleeful and twisted and goofy. He made villains into affable aw-shucks sweethearts. And he switched it on like a high beam. It took one take to nail it. He did his bits LIVE. Nobody does that.
May 15, 2020 4 tweets 1 min read
I swore I would never do this but I just blamed the baby for being late to a call but the baby is blameless. It was so easy. Nobody suspected a thing. I feel no remorse, just vainglorious power. I get how Darth Vader happened. I am evil now. May god have mercy on your souls. I am now coming up with more things to blame on the baby. The list is endless. When the baby gets too old to blame I will have another baby.
May 9, 2020 5 tweets 2 min read
Thrilled to announce I am TIME Magazine's Person of the Year. Thank you @lucas_wittmann and @TIME for this honor.… It is the excerpt from the book that is the most meaningful to me and it's free to read for Mother's Day. I hope you enjoy it because it is from my very soul. OK! Back to lowering my son's crib mattress platform!
May 3, 2020 21 tweets 4 min read
My dad is an ICU doctor treating COVID-19 patients. In the past WEEK he has set more “I’ve never seen a heart rate/RBC count/etc. like this” records than in his decades-long career. What this virus does to the body is like “sticking your finger in an electric socket.” Stay home. He had a patient who needed 8 blood transfusions in a morning even though he wasn’t bleeding. The coronavirus was just eating his red blood cells faster than his bone marrow could make them. It’s fucking mystifying and brutal.