Listening to Mitch Hedberg’s strategic grill locations for the first time in a long time. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say this has got to be one of the funniest hours of comedy ever recorded. I might be wrong but it’s unbelievable how well this thing holds up.
“Bigfoot is blurry and that’s extra scary to me” is a beautiful piece of comedy.
Nov 25, 2020 • 4 tweets • 1 min read
THE STOCK MARKET IS SOARING BECAUSE OF MY NEW PODCAST EPISODE!
ITUNES CHARTS FAKE!!! RECORD DOWNLOADS!! GREAT SLOW ROUND ANSWERS!!!! MAKING PEOPLE THINK ABOUT *THEIR OWN LIVES* PLUs INSPIRING (new) COMEDIANS!? NOT COVERING THIS ON MSNBC. WHY?!!! Has anyone seen my MORNING HOTDOG AND bLoods MEDICINE AND DIET COKE AND REMOTE CONTROL?!
Sep 24, 2020 • 5 tweets • 2 min read
Breitbart keeps publishing my tweets and calling me a “Hollywood celebrity” but I don’t live in Hollywood, I’ve never worked there regularly, and I think the word “celebrity” is a stretch. This makes me really second-guess the world renowned fact checking department at Breitbart.
.@BreitbartNews@pollakbreitbart@ARmastrangelo Hey friends, can you possibly correct this? You’re welcome to refer to me as a “touring comedian” or an “independent filmmaker living in New York” or “this random comedian we hate and want you to hate” if it’s an opinion piece. 😂
Aug 19, 2020 • 4 tweets • 2 min read
Is there a strong case to be made that he WON’T or CAN’T steal the election? Because all signs point to the idea that he plans to. Any links or articles would be appreciated.
(2.) Not many people have sent me a convincing case that he CAN’T cheat. A repeated suggestion is that he’s too incompetent to cheat but the counter to that is that our less incompetent foreign adversaries who want us to be the laughingstock of the world DO want him reelected.
Aug 1, 2020 • 4 tweets • 2 min read
Thanks! I do many things. I’m a comedian in my specials on Netflix. I’m a director when I make films. I wrote a book now in stores but curbside because the federal response to the epidemic has been pathetic. And on a daily basis I’m a human being on twitter with human opinions.
And Adam, here’s the book link. Try to support #localbusinesses and #localbookstores in this unprecedented moment of complete and total failure of the federal government. This cult of horror will not get any better so let’s support each other! ❤️
I know it’s a strange time but we should all do our best to go to bed early, wake up two days later, go back to sleep, eat 5 boxes of cookies and then go back to sleep. Don’t forget to wash the cookies & sleep in the cookie box. Again, I know this might be hard but let’s all try.
I know this is a strange time but I think we all have to get on the same page about a few basics: cookies are the spaceships that carry the chips. The chips are the aliens & if we don’t eat the aliens then who will? Rest up, you have a big day tomorrow. I mean...WE.
Apr 18, 2020 • 11 tweets • 1 min read
If Jesus came back to earth now I would be like “oh now I get it.”
If Jesus came back to Earth I feel like he would get yelled at by Sean Hannity.
Apr 11, 2020 • 4 tweets • 2 min read
“What occurred to me when we were rescheduling shows is that the people who really get hurt in all of this rescheduling and shutting down is people who work on tips,” he said.
You can support waitstaff at clubs nationwide here: tipyourwaitstaff.com
If your company is interested in sponsoring our show email tipyourwaitstaffproject@gmail.com with the subject “staff sponsor.” We will plug your company on the show in exchange for matching donations!
Mar 28, 2020 • 5 tweets • 3 min read
My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend (for whatever reason) isn’t currently on netflix but it IS on prime! It’s the shelter in place streaming thing of mine I recommend most because it’s about love. ❤️🙏🏻🎥
amazon.com/Mike-Birbiglia…(2) The show came out of a story I developed with @iraglass for a live @ThisAmerLife episode about a car accident where I was hit by a drunk driver and how that related to me and @PoetryCrush’s decision to get married. My director Seth & I developed the whole show from there. 🤸♀️
Mar 26, 2020 • 4 tweets • 1 min read
So relieved that I will be receiving $1 trillion from the federal government. Tomorrow morning we should all head to the bank and ask for it in ones.
First thing I’m gonna do with my 1 trillion is buy a car. Then I’m going to buy 900 billion donuts.
Mar 23, 2020 • 4 tweets • 1 min read
It's not likely but I'd say 2% chance the president gets into air force one and we never see him again.
@SteveKornacki can we get this on the big board?
