my heart is a little broken right now, but i am surrounded by heart-menders, heart-delighters, and hearts that sit with me and say yes, yours is a little broken right now, tell me about it if you want also, a pug snoring by my side

i hate it when someone describes me as "too much." that's long been something i've railed against. but i'm realizing that i do overdo it sometimes & actually that's a sign that i'm dissatisfied with interactions—i push for more when i should just acknowledge an incompatibility i don't think what i expect in genuinely connecting with people is "too much." but sometimes i expect it too fast. or i'm asking for needs to be met from the wrong person. or the right person at the wrong time. etc. etc.

i used to think self-promotion was a really icky concept & practice, until i realized that the actual self-centered thing is to believe that people will just flock to your work (based on talent/"merit") without you having to say anything about it/support readers in finding it "the work speaks for itself"—well, maybe it does, but how will readers come to that conclusion themselves if they have no idea the work even exists? why do you think the film industry spends so much on marketing? including for films with lots of famous actors in them?

deeply disappointed i won’t be going to iceland after all. had a falling out with a friend who was going to host me there. sad about the friendship and sad about not being able to use the visa i put so much effort into i’m trying not to be too hard on myself right now but i can’t help but think what if i had done x or y differently. but maybe the friendship wasn’t right for me anyway if i was feeling constantly like i needed to do or be something different. and i think they felt similarly

for all the shit white writers have given me about writing "about your identity" and getting published because "it's easier for poc these days"—you all can truly shut the fuck up because i know like half of you have trust funds and are cosplaying working class lmao you not having every single opportunity under the sun in addition to your generational wealth is not reverse racism, poverty, or oppression. it's just you having to sit with your own mediocrity for once

learning how some white ppl on here seem to think that making less than six figures = poverty. and making six figures = surviving. also how does one "randomly" find oneself in defense contract work? didn't you, like, apply????

white people prioritize their little jobs over the lives of people of color and people in the global south—while claiming individual job loss is equivalent to being murdered by the imperialist war machine white queers being like "but what else could he do to survive??" and i'm like, wow a lot of you really are living in another world. like lmao. white reality really is another reality.

i often find "empathy" just bullshit bc of how often white ppl inherently empathize with other white ppl—over the humanity of everyone else. like, everyone defending m*rdoll just conveniently forgetting about how many brown people those bombs & missiles have killed. mass murdered to say, completely seriously and earnestly things along the lines of, "yes, one of the main arms of the perpetual war machine is bad, but what about this one white person's 'survival'??" like you call yourself 'radical' while repeating liberal warmongering tropes

yeah there are purity tests in leftist discourse and that’s bad. it’s also bad when marginalized identities get used to avoid any accountability for real choices that contribute to real harm. you have to draw the (however imperfect) ethical line at some point like, there’s a difference: genuine ignorance about who you work for, where the money comes from… versus choosing for many years to work for a defense contractor that you know helps “perfect” the tech of killing people around the world

no i have not written much at all about my college years because they were EMBARRASSING and i was just talking to SO MANY BOYS and barely sleeping and eating POPCORN for dinner and watching french films about beautiful losers and throwing up and i dated someone in the circus god the throwing up i did. esp during study abroad. during which i gave a guy a lap dance in a bar. and then was like maybe i should get a perm

one thing about jkr trending every day now for transphobia & queerphobia is that she is a straight white cis woman. she is a straight white cis woman. who believes she can speak for trans & queer people, including trans & queer people of color. she is a straight white cis woman part of the issue here is the cis het world's fetish for performative allyship. rowling still gets seen as an "ally" and in fact gets valued above actual LGBTQ people, the same way cis actors playing trans get valued above actual trans people