Claire Willett Profile picture
Chaos Muppet. Catholic feminist. Author of THE REWIND FILES. Alias @ClaireTrek. Long threads, all caps, can't lose. “The comments have gotten hot on this one.”
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4 Dec
anyone who says they didn’t sneak tiny liquor bottles into “Cats” is a liar
or they were at a movie theatre that SERVED liquor
flashback to when I saw “Cats,” there were exactly 2 other couples in the theatre, Marabeth went up to them pre-show to say like “are we all on the same page that we’re here for total drunk chaos”, they agreed, and then at least one of them fully lost their shit at us later
Read 5 tweets
3 Dec
my take on the HBO Max thing is that while it is still not safe to go to a movie theatre I am very happy to watch great content from my couch but the second it IS safe to go to a movie theatre I will be there with my popcorn and Diet Coke and I will literally. watch. anything.
I want to see good movies I'm excited about

I also want to be in movie theatres again

if those two things don't happen concurrently I'm fine with it
give me some absolute fucking nightmare of a Katharine Heigl romcom or some dumb-as-shit action movie where the plot is just "explosions," I promise you I will pay full price and be grateful for the experience
Read 8 tweets
2 Dec
Cat and I are 5 minutes into JINGLE JANGLE and it’s already my pick for best picture of 2020
If a movie doesn’t begin with Phylicia Rashad in a glitter gown opening a giant steampunk book that turns into a Christmas village of the Game of Thrones credits WHY EVEN BOTHER
Keegan-Michael Key has never been finer than in this huge-ass song and dance number
Read 10 tweets
2 Dec
As a ride-or-die fan of this fucking delightful movie which frankly I think only flopped because everyone thought it was trying to be serious but failed, I am hyped beyond belief for another installment
no ❤️
I do not want anything to be a darker or grittier version of itself

I want the cheeseball 2004 version where Kate Beckinsale knows exactly what movie she is in
Read 4 tweets
1 Dec
this is so childish and bratty that I actually laughed out loud, but also, what a giant goddamn relief for everyone that he won't be at the inauguration, a place where literally nobody wants him. let us have that moment without his shitty energy bringing it down.
also lowkey it would be hilarious if he tried again in 2024 because the big money donors have moved on so he wouldn't make it through a primary but he'd spend all his time shitting on every credible GOP challenger and then they'll end up with a 32-way split running some rando
(also, he'll be in jail by then, so)
Read 5 tweets
1 Dec
One of the most upsetting things about this season of THE CROWN, simply because of how common it is in every level of hetero society, is Charles wanting a wife who is exceptional on every level to make him look good but not SO exceptional that she ever actually outshines him
"I prefer women with a sense of humor," says every man on Tinder who really just means "laugh at all of my jokes, but never make any of your own"

"also, be hot enough that I look like a stud for managing to score with you, but not SO hot that I feel emasculated"
"I'm going to marry Diana because she's extremely good at charming people and that is a crucial component of the job she will have to do OH NO now she is TOO good at charming people and NO ONE IS PAYING ATTENTION TO ME" well try sucking less Charles
Read 6 tweets
30 Nov

angels @ shepherds: "peace on earth & goodwill toward all"

shepherds @ Jesus: "we don't have anything fancy for you but we know that's not what matters"

Magi rolling in 12 days late with Starbucks: "it's fine because not EVERYTHING about Jesus is glued to like this ONE DAY"
anyway I hope everyone screaming at the government that it's oppression to ask churches to respect safety restrictions during a pandemic gets a lot out of Luke 2 this year
Read 12 tweets
30 Nov
I am already furious in advance about the bothsidesy NYT articles we will have to endure where we litigate the ethics, Twitter behavior, and professional conduct of every Biden staffer as though they're just the other-side-of-the-aisle version of Trump staffers
do I think we should care that Biden picks good people? YES

am I already annoyed that the media is gonna just keep granting the GOP's premise whenever they say shit like this because it makes them feel like they're being Fair and Balanced, ALSO YES
I just want to feel like we have learned from the past four years how to call out very real issues with Democrats and continue pushing them to do better without falling into the rhetorical trap of implying that Neera Tanden's bad tweets have the same destructive power as Trump's
Read 5 tweets
28 Nov
It's time for my annual rewatch of "The Spirit of Christmas," greatest of all the dumb Hallmark holiday movies, because its plucky heroine is already great, does not need to grow or change in any way, and just needs to find a better quality of man (she does. he's a ghost)
how can you tell the ghost man from a regular man? you can't, because this movie was made for four dollars, and they spent none of it on effects

so he's corporeal for the twelve days of Christmas, you know, like all ghosts, that's a standard fact about how the afterlife works
her only flaws are A) not believing in ghosts (REASONABLE!) and B) working hard at her job & not having a family (which this movie doesn't actually condemn as hard as others do). A bunch of DUMB MEN tell her she doesn't know how to love or have feelings, but who cares about them
Read 7 tweets
28 Nov
🎁🛍🛒 This will be a lil thread of #BlackFriday / #SmallBusinessSaturday links to independent creators, small businesses, friends of mine who make cool shit, and other people you should direct your gift-buying dollars to this year! 🛒🛍🎁
Please feel free to shout out your own work or other indie retailers you love in the replies, especially BIPOC and/or queer creators, and I will RT! (No big biz, please, let’s celebrate folks on a shoestring marketing budget who need the visibility)
This is my friend Brittany!

She makes custom stickers & amazing resin things, from coasters to magnets to jewelry! I own a ton of her goodies (including those earrings of my initials) and SEVERAL Star Trek items. Also the item descriptions make me laugh.
Read 22 tweets
27 Nov
people really don’t realize how much they’re telling on themselves when they brag that the Catholics they know hate Pope Francis

oh, so you’re saying they think they’re more Catholic than the Pope? And that’s why they objected to his op-ed? About selfish arrogance? Interesting
yeah, how dare the Pope want to put “the greater good” over the individual desires of human beings, especially in the middle of a global pandemic requiring unprecedented collaboration and solidarity

he is definitely the problem here

he, the pope

not you

obviously you are fine
at the risk of giving a terrible person attention with a QT dunking:

that op-ed WAS teaching and guiding Catholics, and the reaction OF Catholics shows why it was needed. selfishness is selfishness even if you slap a Jesus sticker on it. that was his point, and it’s a vital one.
Read 4 tweets
27 Nov
Cat just dropped me off at home and I was like “HOO BOY I AM WIPED should I just go straight to bed” and then I looked at the clock and it was SEVEN FIFTEEN
I had to lie down for 15 minutes just to get up the strength to walk back to the kitchen and rearrange my fridge to fit all the leftovers, but legit I might just go right to bed as soon as I make myself do that
I still haven’t moved

I should never have gotten into this bed I’m never going to get out of here

CAUSE OF DEATH: stuffing
Read 4 tweets
26 Nov
“I’ll cut down the recipe this year since there are only 6 of us instead of 35,” she said
My aunt and uncle confessed that without me this year they were relegated to StoveTop so one of those loaf pans is going to them tomorrow, the rest is a pre-investment in Cat’s and my week of leftovers
literally the only difference is that I cooked it in five small pans instead of one huge one, I truly only know one trick one way
Read 6 tweets
26 Nov
#10. “The One With the List” (s2)
Ross being shitty to Rachel, very minimal actual holiday content, rescued only by Chandler’s improvised short story (“‘Oh look,’ cried Ned!”)
#9. “The One With All the Thanksgivings”
I love Phoebe’s past life flashbacks but fuck a Fat Monica episode tbh

Read 12 tweets
26 Nov
me, watching through the app as this Instacart shopper browses Fred Meyer for my mandatory thanksgiving prep items for this order that has already been delayed four hours and forced me to skip D&D so I don’t have to make stuffing at 10 pm, praying that he does not fail me
so far we are 6 for 12, David is on his way to earning a MASSIVE tip (I cannot imagine it is his personal fault that the delay was so insane), but I am GLUED to this app screen like Julia Roberts is about to announce Best Picture
Cut to me, having a heart attack over the fact that David says there is not a SINGLE PINCH of dried sage anywhere in the store before remembering that I had this exact same heart attack last year, panic-bought a second jar, & it is still there unopened in the back of the cupboard
Read 16 tweets
25 Nov
framing this as Jared and Ivanka “spurning” NYC has absolutely hilarious “you didn’t dump me, I dumped YOU” energy
yes, it is definitely the Kushners who rejected an attempt to reenter Manhattan society, and not the city of New York voting against a second Trump term by like 96% because everyone there hates them with the burning fire of a thousand suns, which led to this decision
Read 4 tweets
23 Nov
I've been emailing my sister a list of "New Things We Can Do To Make Our Probably Two-Person Christmas Not Suck" and I'm here to suggest that this is the time for that overpriced luxury tea/chocolate/bath products Advent calendar you consider and then reject every year
I'm also trying to get a virtual all-cousins gingerbread house contest going (a way to loop in even the long-distance ones we wouldn't see at Christmas!) where we all buy the same kit at Target, fancy them up, take photos, and make our parents/aunts & uncles judge them blind
Also, rather than either of us getting a giant real tree and hauling up nine thousand boxes of ornaments from the basement, she's getting a small tabletop-sized living tree and we're going to decorate it only with things we make ourselves, kindergarten crafts-style
Read 6 tweets
23 Nov
I have had a very stressful weekend so I bought every chocolate mint product at Trader Joe's and my ass is going to watch a Christmas movie tonight

The words “Executive Producer Dolly Parton” “based on the stage play by Dolly Parton” have already soothed my soul
the gay energy of the first 4 minutes of CHRISTMAS ON THE SQUARE is absolutely unparalleled

1. Plaintive Dolly ballad

2. High-kicking flamboyant all male dance ensemble prances in and bursts into jazzy song

3. Christine Baranski rolls up to be an ice cold villainess bitch
Read 12 tweets
23 Nov
something I'm thinking about a lot in the year of our quarantine 2020 is how for 2 decades of my life I got to see my extended family on Christmas for like MAYBE 45 minutes because my dad and I were always singing at between one and three masses in a 24-hour period
I'm just very hyper-aware this year, in lots of new ways, of all the times I took for granted having a huge extended family who all lived nearby and saw each other regularly, something I will never do again
Our big family gathering was always Christmas Eve dinner and Dad and I would frequently have to like, breeze in, eat fast, do a round of hugs, and then zip back to church for sound check for the 8 pm mass, and then have like an hour of downtime before midnight Mass
Read 7 tweets
22 Nov
The Year of Solo Thanksgiving & Christmas really feels like a prime excuse to spend a shitload of money on cozy winter indulgences like flannel sheets and like an INTENSE comfy robe

maybe a teeny-tiny tabletop-sized portable gas fireplace

how is everyone else comfort-spending
this is legit my favorite thread right now

just filled a cart with red reindeer-patterned flannel sheets and a cute pair of shearling-lined flats

also a white cotton eyelet nightgown and a red and black buffalo plaid bathrobe, this is what passes in 2020 as a "Christmas outfit"
gonna get my best Laura Ingalls Wilder life on Christmas morning
Read 4 tweets