An extremely underrated and based set of questions that lie at the heart of why many women struggle with love
- how many guys has she met in her life whom she admires?
- does she end up spending time mostly with guys she admires?
- do men she admires want to spend time with/date her? the problem usually boils down to
1) doesn't meet enough people
2) is attracted to + attracts the wrong kind of people
3) is too entrenched in anti-patriarchy thought to seek to admire men
4) does not understand what motivates men and cultivates the wrong qualities in herself

imagine someone sees you, loves you, cherishes you for exactly who you are now but you don't want to remain the current version of yourself, you want to evolve and you know they wouldn't keep up an obsession w becoming better, more disciplined, less self indulgent is very antithetical to being happily married

because having compassion + good discernment often means cutting off people whom *you know* are trying their best + have good intentions because it simply unlikely they will ever get their shit together

https://twitter.com/SyzgEle/status/1931154619885056191

99% of people are not malicious or bad.

they are the heroes of their own story and it's not difficult to sympathize once you actually understand them

the question is are you going to drain your own time + energy keeping them afloat?

female dating influencers will screech A MAN DOESN’T VALUE YOU IF HE DOESNT….

And then what they describe is not real yearning and pining or “I wanna marry this girl one day”

but rather a standard seduction game that only rich men can afford to practice If a guy is looking for woman to love and cherish, a soulmate, a WIFE

he is going to want to know more about you than your looks before he gets emotionally invested

I’m hearing a lot about this wizliz person and her cheating husband and without knowing them at all my immediate reaction was “extremely sad but not surprising”
1) if a man writes u a sonnet, he loves u. If he writes u 15 sonnets, he loves sonnets.

This guy’s courtship was insanely extravagant and that is not indicative of love, that is indicative of someone who enjoys the challenge of making standoffish women swoon.

I only know one guy who does this and he does it bc he’s all about the chase, it’s never actually about the girl

2) anyone who talks about loving themselves and self confidence 24/7 doesn’t actually have any. If they did they wouldn’t need to talk about it I’m not saying she had it coming or anything. It’s extremely tragic and very scummy.

I AM a little taken aback at how many people seem to think “omg her whole brand is self love and confidence and know ur worth, she’s the LAST woman this could happen to”

And “he bought 750 roses and wrote a book about her how could HE be a cheater.”

And it’s like…those things are exactly why this is not surprising

why society needs more matchmakers:

today's dating environment is good for a specific type of person: high agency, very social people who have stuff in common with the other sex. vibey/artsy men and male-brained women.

this is a very small percentage of people for most of human history, people lived in the same place their whole lives, were upstanding enough to have a good reputation, and therefore got set up, either by their parents or by the collective community, with someone

all most couples really had in common was a shared interest in their children, exclusive physical intimacy, and the goal of working to keep everything afloat

it didn't matter if they didn't have much to talk about. the husband was gone most of the day anyway.

6'5" blue eyes works in finance is not real. women saying they'll only date super tall super rich well endowed men is also not real

sometimes it's a meme, sometimes it's manifestation, sometimes loudly signal that you are confident + attractive enough to have high expectations i see this all the time but women rarely speak literally. the humor is not literal, the compliments are not literal, the insults are also not literal, it's a vibe thing.

many men do not get this and take statements as face value and completely miss the mark

people always talk about how avoidants are traumatizing but tbh the most traumatized person i ever met was left broken by a debilitatingly anxious partner it's very easy to villianize people who seem to dismiss people's needs but often that comes from a past experience of being needed way too much, drained to exhaustion, guilt tripped to shredd

A year ago I broke my wrist. Totally ignored all post op instructions. Played volleyball while still in a cast, cooked, cleaned, typed, even did some sparring with friends.

At my follow ups my doctor couldn’t stop talking about how well it was healing and how little stiffness there was. Even brought in another doctor to take a look at how much mobility I had. I understand that this reeks of survivorship bias. Will make my actual point once I finish this grocery run

Been noticing lately that people are MUCH hungrier for recognition than they are for reciprocation.

For example people are actually pretty tolerant of the sacrifices they make not being returned

But when those sacrifices aren’t even acknowledged? that relationship is ending. Beauty and Blockhead are exploring a new city. It’s a rainy day and they don’t have anything in particular planned.

Beauty says, well I always wanted to try X. Blockhead shoots it down. What about Y? Beauty suggests. Blockhead again grouses that he doesn’t want to.

Blockhead says in relationships you should do activities both people like equally. Beauty says well, when we did A, B, and C it was because you wanted to; obviously it wasn’t what I would have preferred

This was incomprehensible to Blockhead. He simply could not comprehend that Beauty came along and participated, smiling and pleasant, without any complaining, just for him.

It’s actually really unfair how attractive happiness is.

People who are sincerely, naturally happy attract people whenever they go even though they’re relatively least in need of friendship or romance And yes I’ve considered that it’s being attractive that makes you happy

I wouldn’t say this without mids and uggos in my sample size

Short people, weak chins, fat people, people w acne, happiness is truly the great beautifier and love follows

Japanese curry is better than most (north) indian curry actually

every time i've had japanese curry i've enjoyed it and often absolutely loved it. it's never poorly spiced, never heavy, the rice is always perfectly cooked.

north indian curry is like 5% good, 40% meh, 55% "i wish i'd just eaten some fruit"

mostly bc it's either too greasy or spices are used without art or discretion

curiously enough the best north indian curry i've ever had was also in japan indian cooking often suffers from the same fault as most indian creative pursuits: maximalism without consideration.

powdered spices are meant to be sprinkled in at the very end of cooking, just to layer the flavor. too much powdered spice and it ends up tasting muddled and sawdusty

you have to combine spices artfully, you don't just use toss them all in. not all dishes need onion AND ginger AND garlic.

and good heavens lay off the oil and cream

You should start intentionally maintaining your scalp health and hair density as early as your mid twenties

Prevention is 10000% easier than the cure.

Literally everyone should be microneedling professionally a few times a year or dermstamping at home once a month Topical minoxidil is also really good, or oral if you dm body hair/plan on getting laser hair removal

In fact oral minoxidil thickens existing hair and keeps in growth phase longer so makes laser hair removal easier

If I don’t give my mother constant little side quests she gets depressed and prone to drama. Chaos ensues. “Favors” I never asked for and actively dislike plague our relationship.

Strange my father never arrived at this simple technique in 25 turbulent years of marriage This applies to most people btw. One of the most charming things you can do is ask for little favors all the time and lavish them with gratitude after.

People want to feel needed and useful. Very very few have enough mission and purpose to not require side quests

Basic flirting is letting a guy go on about a topic and saying “you’re sooo smart!” at the end

Next time try debating on one of his points, letting him win, and saying “okay, you were right” with an expression of amazement and relief To clarify: I would never do this to someone I respected. And anyone I respected would never fall for it

It would only work on someone too stupid to realize their arguments aren’t actually convincing/ who thinks I’m stupid and not pulling my punches

i have a theory that being very high openness makes you prone to being indecisive.

decisions in life are rarely "apple vs shittier apple" it's apple vs orange and idk i could imagine myself being pretty happy with both, you know? like i'd be happy dating a lot of different kinds of people, happy doing a lot of things for a living, happy living almost anywhere, WDYM what do i want

Every word of this is true and I’m aware it does not make women look particularly reasonable but it makes sense trust me

I once defined masculinity as non-reactivity + strong internal locus of control + naturally taking on the protector/provider/leader role

https://twitter.com/retirementkeys/status/1889915111101571391

Men talk about the “shit test” and it’s not a conscious thing, but it’s real

If a girl is upset/anxious/afraid/dissatisfied and communicates this to a guy and it gets to him, it communicates two very bad things

1) her being upset is valid
2) you can’t handle this, how tf ru going to handle the world/life which is way way harder?

I feel very sad for the men who don’t value age and wisdom in a partner. The ones who just want a hot 19 year old even at 45

At one point I used to judge them but now I actually get it🧵 I operate mostly in a very blessed circle of brilliant, philosophical, industrious, energetic women who inspire me, whose praises I can sing with full honesty

“Feminine and submissive are necessary traits, but they should be given as a gift to a worthy man; it's a faustian bargain to choose them if they're offered out of weakness.”

I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a long time, this is so well put

https://twitter.com/Pat_Stedman/status/1878937975574139017

I’m probably one of the more assertive and self sufficient people - not just women - you’ll meet.

I had problems w authority for most of my life, and submitting w grace was a thing I had to learn how to do

I have never met a women who feels beautiful.

even those with infinite empirical evidence that they are among the most beautiful in the world (models, actresses) have severe insecurities about their looks to the point of dysmorphia and excessive surgery

these are my theories why:

- other women mostly compliment someone when she's clearly put a lot of effort into her appearance (makeup and dressed to the 9s).

in fact, it's kind of a social obligation to do so. the more obvious the effort is, the more you are obliged to say something. i suspect this leads many women to be a bit delusional about what look is most flattering on them.

if she dresses up like this regularly, she worries she's not pretty without it. if she doesn't, she feels like it's the effort/outfit more than herself.

women also compliment ugly women more than pretty women bc they subconsciously feel like they need the encouragement more. women are a harsher on themselves than each other (often incorrectly feeling like the ugliest in the room)

depending on how delulu you are almost all compliments can feel like "encouragey" compliments.

- men usually compliment women when they're trying to sleep with them. compliments from men are almost always dismissed under this umbrella.

it takes a lot of artfulness to convincingly compliment a girl without seeming horny, which most men don't have even they have the necessary generous spirit.

men are also not very imaginative with their compliments - "you look pretty" can be heard only so many times before it feels like a standard politeness that he would say to anyone under the circumstances.

- women are very, very hard on themselves, often fixating on flaws that other people dont notice or actually like. grass-is-greener syndrome is rampant.

i remember when i was 16 my friend moaned that her cheeks were too skinny and she wanted mine, I responded with ru kidding mine are too chubby, wish i had yours! we both fully meant it, simply had opposite insecurities.

this is why classic prom move is for girls w curly hair to straighten their hair and girls w straight hair to curl theirs

there are almost NO objective metrics to give anyone any sanity. there is a big consequence here with gender dynamics -

men think that a woman's attractiveness must be obvious to her and everyone around her

therefore she is aware of the effect she has on people, so if she does anything to encourage someone it must be deliberate, her USING her sexuality to manipulate and get shit

sort of like a "do you really expect me to believe that ur that dumb?" type thing. theory of mind is poor but given their understanding frustration is natural

2 reasons this is not the case

1) women are not as visual as men.

a girl can be very attractive, convo starts, she turns out to be insufferable, most guys would still have sex with her, just not commit.

most girls could not fathom doing that, hence the utter lack of comprehension as to the appeal of bimbos. any desire vanishes like wisp of smoke.

for women attraction comes from flirty interactions. if a very hot guy is standing there like a statue, they will admire him like one but no arousal. any horny comments they make are usually simply humorous.

so even if you know ur good looking and ur friend is good looking, if you guys never flirt, just polite friendly convo then there is no sexual tension.

this is why pickup artists warn a guy against hiding his sex drive. the girl has to remember you have sex, want sex, enjoy sex, but you get it easily so no pressure on her specifically, that's how you stay non threatening.

on the other hand if a nice pair of goombas is in the vicinity guys are generally very aware at all times. they can't feel about/see attached girl exactly as they would a dude. but girls do that ALL THE TIME.

- women do not know how attractive they are. most girls do not think anyone is into them. they can easily imagine their guy friend simply is not into them, esp if he shows no signs of it.

buying her things is not a sign (esp if ur older than her) bc her older male relatives probably do that already. she sees it as natural chivalry or brotherly protectiveness or (this is key) some kind of male pride thing.

usually in these friendzone cases, the guy is also afraid/ashamed of his own desire and does a REALLY good job offering plausible platonic explanations for all his "ovetures"

they are hoping that she will eventually get to know him so well and admire his constancy and kindness so much that she will realize that she does not want to live without him.

that might work if she didn't have the same intimacy with all her close friends and family. most women have an excellent support network.

women also do not know how horny men are and how compelling their sex drive is. the female sex drive can (mostly) shut down conveniently if not used.

i personally still find it UNFATHOMABLE that a guy who hasn't said 5 words to me could want to sleep with me.

studies show that male perception of relative female attractiveness stays consistent between cultures and even decades. in short, get 100 guys of different ages and backgrounds to rank 10 pics and you'll get a quite low variance.

female perception of attractiveness (both their own and other gender's) IS WAY more subject to change w society and the times.

again: she doesn't fucking know. it is not as obvious as you think.