A great marriage isn’t found. It’s built with conscious effort.

Here are 10 tips I’ve culled together from some of the greatest marriage-oriented people I know on how to build a great marriage: 1. Handle tasks yourself, if you can.

This doesn’t mean there’s no distribution of chores and duties at home. But if something isn’t up to your satisfaction, just take care of it yourself. This will reduce 90% of household disputes (which can cause bitterness and resentment)

I always say, “I wasn't born into a great marriage. I built one.” The truth is that great marriages aren’t built overnight.

This is the story of what it took to make my marriage great, and how one word completely changed my understanding of what marriage means: I’ll never forget the first time I saw my wife.

Parked outside my freshman dorm at Grinnell College, I was in the middle of unloading my father’s station wagon when she walked down the steps of my new home and stood, smiling. I’ve yet to see anything more beautiful.

While it's so easy, fast, and appealing, Tinder can ruin your chances of finding true love.

Here's why. I visited the Hermitage Museum in Russia back in the 80s - perhaps the world's largest collection of rare and magnificent artifacts, mosaics, and sculptures.

🧵 In a relationship, there is no such thing as "constructive criticism."

If something isn't working out, here are 3 ways you can share your needs and feelings without pushing your partner away. ⬇️ Feedback, not Criticism.

First, we must understand the difference between feedback and criticism.

Feedback: Sharing something that is dysfunctional, bothers you, or hurts you.

Criticism: Negative commentary on you, the relationship, or your feelings. 👇

"We are not a good fit - there is no more chemistry!"

So much easier than taking a look in the mirror and figuring out why this man, whom you once loved, adored, and actually liked, isn't turning you on anymore.

Here are some possible reasons why:

//THREAD 🧵 1. Resentment

This is the #1 cause of bitterness and disconnection. Holding on to and ruminating over the past will poison your present.

Practice:
~ Trauma release methods
~ Self-acceptance
~ Ownership of your half
~ Forgiveness

👇

"Your husband's problems–his struggles, difficulties, and pain–are not your fault."

While this is true for extreme issues such as a diagnosed mental illness or severe, long-term addictions like gambling, in general, we don't remove ourselves from having influence.

//THREAD 👇 Marriage is the most influential pressure on our overall well-being and happiness.

When our marriage is going well, our outlook and lives trend more positive. When not, the opposite occurs.

Thus, if our spouse is struggling, it is important for us to introspect. 👇

Marriage, family and commitment have been so pathologized in today's culture, that our youth are being forced into temporary, fleeting interactions.

Deeply hoping they will turn into more, to no avail.

How crushing. 😢

//THREAD 🧵 Dating is inherently challenging.

Between finding and attracting another–so many things can and do go wrong.

But why should figuring out whether your hook-up even wants to be in a relationship at all, be one of the unanswered questions? 👇

Most clients I work with have no clue when they are being emotionally abused.

And most guilty of abuse have no clue they are doing it.

//THREAD 🧵 We all filter our speech to some extent or another. When we go to work, when speaking to strangers, when speaking to children.

But some falsely believe that this doesn't apply in our intimate relationships. 👇

Men: You are responsible for eliminating all arguing in your relationships.

It never benefits your connection, and merely drains all the love & goodwill you've built.

"I'm not willing to continue arguing. I'm sorry for your hurt feelings. Let's talk later."

//THREAD🧵//

👇 This is difficult for us because our "let-it-go and forget about it" conflict-resolution style doesn't work with women.

And when we apply it to our marriage, it only adds fuel to her fire. Which causes us to get upset, angry, and loud.

And round-n-round we go.

👇

Gents - If she's taking care of you on the regular, don't you DARE throw a tantrum if she misses a night here or there.

You have NO IDEA how lucky you are. No idea.

Always be grateful and appreciative - especially if you want more! 🙏💚

🧵 Thread 👇 On a more serious note, one issue I run into as a therapist is sexless marriages (frequency < 1 x month).

While the pain and heartbreak can affect both men and women, I have found that more men are frustrated from this situation.

Yet oftentimes, this isn't about women. 👇

Men: The swath of feelings a woman is capable of experiencing simultaneously is unfamiliar to us. 🧵

This is because her heartstrings are not linear. They are totally enmeshed.

Even though she is so angry with you, she can still love you deeply at that very moment. 👇 When she is upset, disappointed, hurt - we feel worthless. Oftentimes, our instinct is to pull away and run.

But in reality, this is precisely when she wants us close - wants reassurance that you understand her, accept her, love her, and will grow together with her. 👇

Are fights with your partner leaving you feeling distant, misunderstood, and unloved?

Is your relationship plagued with bad vibes and negative energy?

Unresolved issues, resentment, and despair will tear you two apart.

Great marriages use the 3 R's to restore intimacy! 🧵

1/5 1. Release

We cannot peacefully re-engage with our partner when we are angry and bitter. We must give ourselves time to emotionally regulate.

Get to know what helps you find peace. For some it's hitting the gym, others it's journaling, and for others taking a small break works.

Part II: Along the lines of "Men DO, Women ARE" - The spiritual differences between male / female.

When Gd created the world, He did so by removing His infinite light from an aspect of His universality. This void (empty space) became the platform for physicality within infinity. It wasn't a total void, however, as some light (G-dliness) is necessary to create. Hence, there became two sources:

1) A residual light from His initial presence which wasn't completely removed
2) A new light - a line beamed into the void, which became the source of creation.

A man w/out a wife is but half a body, for man was created in G-d's image, and the divine image has both a male and female aspect.

After Gd separated male & female, man seeks woman and woman yearns for man. In marriage, the divine plan becomes whole again, as man and woman are physically, emotionally and spiritually reunited.