When I was about seven years old, I represented my school at an event. As my father dropped me off at the venue, he asked me if the school was bringing me back home.
I said yes, that the school had arranged for a bus to take me home and he didn't need to come back for me.
When the event ended, I couldn't find any of my teachers. The only classmate I found, her parents came for her. Turns out, there was no bus; everyone had left on their own.
Despondent and terrified, I squatted down on the steps of Sacred Heart Cathedral and quietly began to cry.
Jun 30, 2023 • 8 tweets • 2 min read
Nigerian fathers when their wives travel:
*pushes bedroom door open and stomps inside daughter's room*
"Your mother said she was going for only ten days. It's been four days and she's not yet back. If I talk now, they'll say I'm restricting her freedom."
"Daddy, it's only been four days!"
"Ehen? Four days, ten days, what's the difference? What's she going to do there that she can't finish in four days and come home? Must she stay the whole ten days?"
"Awwwwn...you're missing her."
Jun 6, 2023 • 16 tweets • 3 min read
A few days ago, someone posted that they made okro soup with ₦1200 and there was a furore. A good number of people derided the author and said it wasn't possible. Now, I cannot tell you if it is impossible, but I can tell you about...
Mesuur, who lives in a lungu (ghetto) in one of Abuja's suburbs. She sells buns and occasionally, adds half a crate of Coca Cola to her merchandise. She couldn't make her rent this year and had to solicit for funds.
Her rent is ₦36,000.
A year.
Nov 8, 2022 • 11 tweets • 2 min read
A lady who lives in my friend's compound, lost her husband and his people showed up from the village two days later to collect everything from her.
As they began to harass her to bring the documents for the house, the car keys and cheque books, a neighbour overheard them.
He went and called three other men who were around in the compound and briefed them on what was happening. These men dressed up; one of them, a policeman who was off duty, put o his uniform. Together, they went to her door and knocked.
May 10, 2022 • 13 tweets • 3 min read
Your name is Joy, and this is how you first learn uncertainty.
It starts when you're seven years old and Uncle Amaasi pulls you onto his lap. You can feel his erection, and even though you're not old enough to know what it is, you're aware enough to be uncomfortable.
The next time he comes to visit, you tell him you don't like him and don't want to sit on his lap. Your parents are surprised; they say you are rude and ask you to apologise to your uncle. They even demand that you sit on his lap to show that your apology came from your heart.
May 3, 2021 • 12 tweets • 2 min read
School of Health Technology, somewhere in Sokoto State.
The Lecturer 1 hands over a list to the new Lecturer 2 who will be teaching Global Health and Health Promotion to the school's 300 Level students. The list has the names the 409 students she'll be teaching.
She walks into the class, greets and introduces herself. Then she writes UNICEF and WHO on the board and asks for the meanings of these acronyms. Her question is met with blank stares and head shakes. She repeats the question. The reactions are the same as before. She's stunned.
Feb 22, 2021 • 9 tweets • 2 min read
People would be angry/bitter at uncles & aunties for not taking care of them but not with the parents who had them with no future plans. Your parents have 8 kids but your uncle with 4 kids is wicked because his children travel for summer when you haven't paid school fees. How???
"A friend's elder sister was married off at a young age so he could go to Uni. He's working now & is burdened with raising his sister's children & the other kids his parents kept having while he was at Uni (the youngest is barely 6).
It's a very long, lonely road ahead for him."
Jan 9, 2021 • 5 tweets • 1 min read
Single Man: "A woman whose bride price I paid can't control me."
Married Man: *reads post and shakes his head. He's running late but can't leave because Madam is wearing a new dress. He must zip it, patiently take 100 pictures of her from different angles and all must be fine*
Single Man: "My mother gave birth to nine of us. She didn't stress my dad. No pregnant wife can stress me."
Married Man: *goes out at 1:03am to buy party Jollof 'cos pregnant wife has been crying for it, while saying that he doesn't love her, their baby & she wants to die*
Dec 28, 2020 • 8 tweets • 2 min read
BREAKING NEWS!
Uforo, Kagiso and Zawadi invade the UK from three different sides.
Zawadi, an accomplished General, arrives at London first. She sticks the Kenyan flag at the top of Buckingham Palace and claims it for Kenya.
On behalf of Nigeria and South Africa, Uforo and Kagiso claim Wales and Scotland respectively and share Northern Ireland.
English is declared too local a language; Ibibio, Xhosa and Swahili are now taught in schools. Pudding is abolished, replaced by Afang, nyama choma and phutu
Dec 27, 2020 • 5 tweets • 2 min read
This isn't his first time. He's not the first man to do this. Many women in Nigeria have terrible hotel stay experiences.
Male receptionists do proposition female guests and give out their room keys/numbers without permission to male guests who like them.
* Ask a male friend or colleague to act as your partner.
* Don't be amiable or hostile. Brusque is better.
Dec 24, 2020 • 7 tweets • 2 min read
"So, there is this young man I buy materials from in the market. I met him after my last customer showed me shege (I bought materials in a particular colour. The client wanted another colour and he refused to change it, even though I was a loyal and regular client).
Anyway, this new customer is very honest and has no wahala. Even as prices of fabrics have gone up, he tells me which oned are his old stock at old prices and the new ones with new prices.
I was surprised to find that he's a Hausa boy in a predominantly Igbo business.
Nov 16, 2020 • 12 tweets • 3 min read
"Yesterday night at about 7pm, I was riding when I saw a dead body. Or so I thought.
The body was still, in the middle of a residential area in Garki, Abuja. That’s not a regular sight, so I stopped. There where people around the body.
“The man just slumped,” someone told me.
They didn’t know what to do; whether to touch him or leave him.
“There's a hospital on this street,” I volunteered.
“Let’s get a doctor,” said another person.
“Na BP,” someone whispered.
But nobody seemed ready to listen to me. Then something happened.
Nov 13, 2020 • 15 tweets • 3 min read
On Project/Master's Thesis Defence in Nigerian Federal Universities - A thread:
"We had to pay hotel bills for the members of the panel. You could also offer sex, if your supervisor is the devil's apprentice. Transport money inclusive."
- Erdoo N.
"I decided I'd never have anything else to do with Nigerian universities, the day I saw people defending their masters dissertation presenting coolers of rice, garden eggs and crates of drinks to their supervisors. I legit thought someone was getting married."
- Bibian U.
Nov 12, 2020 • 16 tweets • 3 min read
"Eketi, this is in response to your post about the worst breakup.
We started dating in secondary school. Everyone in our families knew we were in a relationship. We both came from a poor background, so, going higher institution was impossible.
After WAEC, I decided to work as a security guard and sponsor her through school with my salary. The plan was after she finished, she would work while I went to school.
Sep 24, 2020 • 20 tweets • 4 min read
I am fourteen.
My sister has just returned from her afterschool lesson. Her face is stormy as she dashes to her room, unwilling to respond to our greetings and customary question, “how did your lesson go today?”
Mama asks me to go see to her, ask what is the matter.
I find her lying face down on her bed, head buried in the pillow, quiet sobs shaking her shoulders.
My sister is reserved. She doesn’t speak unless she wants to; she’s always had a mind of her own. So, I know that nothing I say will make her tell me what’s wrong.
Sep 13, 2020 • 9 tweets • 2 min read
Years ago, my father said something to me that was a teaching moment.
A former tenant had owed rent for almost three years. Then his light disconnected by NEPA. When they left, he began to tap light illegally. If NEPA came for an inspection, my father would have to pay the bill.
Knowing this, Dad did what was necessary; he called a professional to come and disconnect the light.
While he stood to the side and watched as the electrician did his job, one of the man’s children came outside. On seeing the two men, she lost it.
"You're very wicked!
Sep 4, 2020 • 11 tweets • 3 min read
My name is Kokonne and I used to see things. My grandmother, Nnenne said it was a gift and her husband Etebom agreed. But my parents were not so inclined.
"She has the gift," Etebom said.
"Ete, mbok kutañ uto iko ado," my mother would say. "Don't encourage her fantasies."
But they weren't fantasies - the gift was real.
It was there when I told Iya Philomena in our compound that one day, her husband would lock the door of their bedroom and dance the horizontal waist dance with the landlord's daughter.
Aug 6, 2020 • 4 tweets • 1 min read
"Vacancy! Vacancy!! Vacancy!!!
Electrical Engineer needed. Fresh Post-NYSC. Twenty years experience.
Must be able to think fast and on their feet. Must be able to drive.
Must know a bit about everything.
Must be able to recognize an ancestor at first glance.
Must have commissioned at least five capital projects in the five major cites in the country.
Must be able to work under pressure.
Must be able to read people and act accordingly in the work place.
Must be able to treat fellow workers of simple ailments like malaria...
Jul 20, 2020 • 21 tweets • 4 min read
As Mallam Isa* draws near to the end of his talk, tears fill his eyes.
Sadness mixed with a tinge of embarrassment makes me lower my gaze. We have done a good number of these interviews in the North and I’ve never seen a man cry. He doesn't appear to mind though.
Mallam Isa* is the chief in one of the villages we ran our program for girls.
About fifty girls in his village signed up for the training, a year-long initiative that educates and equips young girls on entrepreneurship, personal hygiene, financial and personal development.
Jul 13, 2020 • 8 tweets • 2 min read
From a dungeon carved out under the ground, Joseph was dragged out before the Pharaoh and asked to interpret two dreams.
He had only one work experience on his CV and that had happened by chance. He’d noticed that two men were dejected.
Concerned, he’d stopped and asked them, “Why do you look so sad today?”
That question led to him interpreting their dreams. Years later, one of those men gave his reference to the king. He had no idea if it was a first-time thing for Joseph or not.
Jul 10, 2020 • 4 tweets • 3 min read
Remember the School Project? We've come quite far, thanks to your donations. We're most grateful. Here are current images of the structure: @coec_ng #TheSchoolProject
Next phase is the installation, tiling and roofing of the toilets. Work had to be suspended indefinitely as we ran out of money. Thankfully, the workers were paid off yesterday. To continue the project, we need about N683,100.
Next phase is the installation, tiling and roofing of the toilets. Work had to be suspended indefinitely as we ran out of money. Thankfully, the workers were paid off yesterday. To continue the project, we need about N683,100.