MARY: How's the room?

JOSEPH: Um ... rustic.

MARY: It's clean, though?

JOSEPH: Well, it's not immaculate. (To self) But then who is.

MARY: Hm?

JOSEPH: Nothing. MARY: A BARN?

JOSEPH: A bungalow!

MARY: A STABLE?

JOSEPH: A cabin!

MARY: THAT... IS AN OXEN.

JOSEPH: "Ox." There's just one.

[MOO]

JOSEPH: Nope ok two sorry my bad

MARY: How's the room?

JOSEPH: Um ... rustic.

MARY: It's clean, though?

JOSEPH: Well, it's not immaculate. (To self) But then who is.

MARY: Hm?

JOSEPH: Nothing. MARY: A BARN?

JOSEPH: A bungalow.

MARY: A STABLE?

JOSEPH: A cabin.

MARY: THAT... IS AN OXEN.

JOSEPH: "Ox." There's just one.

[MOO]

JOSEPH: Nope ok two sorry my bad

MARY: How's the room?

JOSEPH: Um ... rustic.

MARY: It's clean, though?

JOSEPH: Well, it's not immaculate. (To self) But then who is.

MARY: Hm?

JOSEPH: Nothing. MARY: A BARN?

JOSEPH: A bungalow.

MARY: A STABLE?

JOSEPH: A cabin.

MARY: THAT... IS AN OXEN.

JOSEPH: "Ox." There's just one.

[MOO]

JOSEPH: Nope two sorry my bad

At a secluded table at the Chateau Marmont, Annette stares into her gin rickey. "I had to make all these ... zappy hand gestures," she says. "I felt ridiculous."

Glenn snorts. "In GUARDIANS they gave me this ... wig. And the dialogue! 'Destroy the Necroblasters!' My goodness." Robert knocks back his bourbon. "Ladies," he says, "They had me sayin' 'Hail ...' ... ah, something stupid. Hydrox? Or wait no that's a cookie."

Nicole laughs bitterly. "I had a LOBSTER CLAW. And a DORSAL FIN. I don't know WHAT you're all complaining about."

the only one who makes any goddamn sense in this cheeseball endeavor we stan a legend etc I mean Maria would take up all the attention at the dinner party. She’s extra. She’s theater people. She’s predicable. But the Baroness would be the one with me in the corner, muttering bilious invective joyously, blithely, drunkenly.

The only rom-com meet-cute I will tolerate is two tiny but jacked male gymnasts on a bus on their way to a ... meet? and one of them leans over to the other because the first one is blasting COMPANY on his headphones so loud that the other can tell it’s the London cast. HIT ME UP HOLLYWOOD

“Can’t stop me NOW” that “now” as a reason I, an abject boring. weep with pure unadulterated joy - Is there a gay club in DC playing this? Because there should be. Because WOW it would be nothing but emotilonally vulnerable gay guys.

1992. I’m backpacking through Europe for a few months. Which is a cliche, I know, but as cliches go, it’s a good’un. I’ve sewed a Canadian flag on my backpack and go from hostel to hostel being unfailingly polite and pretending to like hockey. I take the overnight train from Vienna to Berlin. Standing room only. When we get to Berlin I’m hungry and sleep-deprived. I proceed to take myself on a tour of WINGS OF DESIRE sites. Potsdammerplatz. The Victory Column. The Staatsbibliotek. The Kaiser Wilhelm Church.

NEW YORK: Oh, how did you FIND this place! It's so romantic!
AMAZON: ... yeah.
NEW YORK: The candelight! The violin! Oh and look they have a special Valentine's Day menu!
AMAZON: I made the reservation a long time ago. Look...
NEW YORK: Should we be naughty and get the oysters? AMAZON: Look, I get that this isn't the best time, but there's something I've been meaning to say.
NEW YORK: You play your cards right, and tonight's gonna get PRET-tee spicy.
AMAZON: I can't do this.
NEW YORK: ...
AMAZON: I'm sorry, you're great, it's just ...
NEW YORK: WHAT.

"I am sending home ... Glenn, because while she is a fierce queen who consistently slays the challenges, I feel like she just keeps serving us the same look." "As it is written. Glenn Close, you will not be ignored -- you are, and will always be, an All-Star. Now, sashay away.

Olivia. Gaga. Melissa. Yalitza. You are my final four."

SESAME STREET AT 50:

COUNT: 1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6! 7! 7! [LIGHTING, THUNDER] Seven vunderful nanograms of prostate-specific antigen per milliliter in my blood! AH AH AH AH!

DOCTOR: That is an alarmingly high PSA level. I'm scheduling a biopsy.

COUNT (softly, to self): ah ah ah ah I hope they have a Sesame Street Reunion special so the OG muppets like Roosevelt Franklin and Prairie Dawn can read the new ones for filth.

Or wait no for FELTh carry on.

*daddy

https://twitter.com/Variety/status/1090315507671203840

the sleeper has awakened etc etc

When I am sick I lie on my couch guzzling hot toddys while watching LORD OF THE RINGS which now that I think about it - and this might be the virulent fever talking - seems like a solid life choice just in general. Again and again these characters traverse countryside by climbing along the top of ridges which offends my sense of logistic efficiency.

Celebrating Tolkien's birthday by walking from DC to Denver to return some jewelry. 1 month in, 500 miles trudged. Awoke in hidden vale of Dollywood -- have slipped in and out of consciousness since that bad business at the Weathertop bar in Lynchburg.

Hot dude mops my brow. "Are you ... an elf-friend?" he asks.

"Oh gurl we don't call ourselves that anymore."

At F’s father’s 80th birthday party. 32 Cubans are simultaneously screaming at each other about:
-the location of the beer
-a good place for maduros
-Abuela’s kidney stones
-the location of the cat
-the fact that the “0” atop the 80th birthday cake has fallen over in the heat In my family these same conversations would take place in an elaborately coded system of meaningful stares, gentle throat-clearings and softly sighed observations about the front yard’s planting area.

A thread of my favorite things I wrote this year, before the scout ship the Blue Martians sent last night reports back that we are all slack-jawed indolents ripe for conquest, and our bodies get used fuel for their terraforming. Marsaforming. Whatever. First up: I haltingly attempt to explain my love of roundtable podcasts, and supply some readily disprovable rules for doing them well:

npr.org/2018/02/02/582…

Merry Christmas my brother-in-law spent the last 20 minutes talking about car engine ccs and has now switched to no lie the POURING of CONCRETE and it might not seem to you that it would not qualify as a homophobic hatecrime yet HERE WE GODDAMN ARE My god the straight dudes here are just pretending to listen to him and nodding along as he talks about like joists and whatnot oh how I pity them MASCULINITY IS A PRISON WITH NO PAROLE

MARY: How's the room?

JOSEPH: Um ... rustic.

MARY: It's clean, though?

JOSEPH: Well, it's not immaculate. (To self) But then who is.

MARY: Hm?

JOSEPH: Nothing. MARY: A BARN?

JOSEPH: A bungalow.

MARY: A STABLE?

JOSEPH: A cabin.

MARY: THAT... IS AN OXEN.

JOSEPH: "Ox." There's just one.

[MOO]

JOSEPH: Nope two sorry my bad

STRAIGHT CULTURE:
"The Christmas Shoes"
QUEER CULTURE:
"The Solstice Espadrilles"

STRAIGHT CULTURE:
"Silent Night"
QUEER CULTURE:
"I LOVE THIS SONG -- I SAID I LOVE THIS SO- NEVER MIND WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM THE BAR?" STRAIGHT CULTURE:
Mistletoe
QUEER CULTURE:
"Swim Team Rubdown VII" on video loop

STRAIGHT CULTURE:
Flavored popcorn
QUEER CULTURE:
Flavored lube

STRAIGHT CULTURE:
Carols
QUEER CULTURE:
CAROL

So: AQUAMAN

The character’s swagger is dull; but it’s soon subsumed by a more relatable self-doubt.

Glad someone finally staged RETURN OF THE KING conflicts in a LITTLE MERMAID/FINDING NEMO setting. Fight choreography takes the setting into account; looks great. No JUSTICE LEAGUE visual murkiness; nice bright set pieces.

Some will balk at the length, but whenever my mind would wander we’d meet a race of crab-people, or sea-monkey-people, maybe, and I’d be all like “yes please.”

"Hither, page, and stand by me
If thou know'st it, telling
Yonder peasant, who is he?
Where and what his dwelling?"

"Sire, he lives a good league hence
Underneath the mountain
Right against the forest fence
By Saint Agnes' fountain."

“...Ok wow that’s just like crazy specific.” “His name is Charles; he goes by Chet. Knock twice, then once. His door sticks, you have to push really hard.”

“Um what - that’s not what I -“

“Tell him Timmy says hi. From the stable, he’ll remember.”

“I don’t -“

“Take a bottle of good bourbon. The safeword is ‘thither.’”