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John Hodgman Profile picture
John Hodgman
@hodgman
Good evening. My name is JOHN HODGMAN.
Jun 5, 2022 • 13 tweets • 2 min read
Now I am quote tweeting this for emphasis. All the word/language/grammar/usage pedants who’ve presented themselves to the court of Judge John Hodgman see themselves as benign “word nerds.” Lovably eccentric sticklers defending a lost art. I used to be this way. They never think about WHOSE language they are policing.
Feb 3, 2022 • 7 tweets • 1 min read
I appreciate how certain mainstream newspapers and morning public radio programs get some kind of thrill from humiliating Biden, but the "isn't it clear Putin is an amazing super genius" angle still seems gross and dangerous to me. "Hasn't Putin gotten EVERYTHING he wants?" "Isn't it increds how Putin has been hoarding resources like a boss so he can pew-pew away any of Biden's cucky sanctions?"
Apr 13, 2021 • 20 tweets • 3 min read
Here’s what I’m thinking about this morning. And if you’re a white driver without a record like me, you can think about this too. It's a thread! I’m thinking about the last time I was pulled over. It was in LA, years ago, and I was using my phone with my dumb hands, holding it up to my dumb face. I got a lecture and a warning, and I was super ashamed.
Jan 5, 2021 • 7 tweets • 1 min read
I have been John’s friend for 14 years. I have been hurt by him, and I have been cared for by him. Over those years I have admired and loved him, his character and his work deeply, and I have also been infuriated by his bad judgments I know he is a deeply devoted and loving dad. I know he is often an unreliable narrator of his own life.
Oct 5, 2020 • 4 tweets • 1 min read
Conley: ...and when he gets back from his ride, he wants all the windows replaced with white boards.

Walter Reed Doc: Um.

Conley: They scare the virus. It hates the smell of markers

Walter Reed Doc: but I don’t know how to... see, I’m a doctor

Conley: WHITE. BOARDS. Walter Reed Doc: Can we at least ask him to change his clothes.

Conley: No. We believe it’s what is keeping him alive.

Walter Reed Doc: “We?”

Conley: IT IS VERY IMPORTANT WE DO NOT MAKE THE ILLNESS WORSE WITH OUR IMPURE THOUGHTS.
Jun 5, 2020 • 5 tweets • 2 min read
You cut the quote off. @NYPDShea followed “I’m sorry” with “Are you?”—making ”contrition” a combative quid pro quo: citizens must apologize to the police. Read the full quote here, and read about Mott Haven. nytimes.com/2020/06/05/nyr… I’ve said it before: I am a feeble, out of shape asthmatic with no survival skills. I need a civilization. I need hospitals and firefighters and laws and, yes, police to enforce them. But it’s clear POLICING as an institution, culture, and political force has largely gone wrong.
Apr 30, 2020 • 18 tweets • 3 min read
A long time ago (17? 18 years? or roughly 109999999373682726272828 eons in shut-down-time, a book editor I knew and know suggested I write a book (cont’d) I was wanting to write a book. I was just waiting for the perfect idea. This editor said “do an American version of this brilliant book of extremely esoteric and eccentric trivia that has just been published in another country. I will pay you money!” Cont’d
Mar 9, 2020 • 7 tweets • 2 min read
Look. Everyone knows I’m an elite neolib centrist Warren loving snake. But if this list is true, I’ll flip a table over. It’s an imaginationless disaster and a self destructive, on purpose acid spit at Bernie, his supporters, the movement that IS and MUST BE part of this party. Biden is right to float a team. As far as I’m concerned, both B&B should be announcing VP picks tomorrow, for obvious actuarial reasons. Sorry to be unseemly.
Mar 4, 2020 • 7 tweets • 2 min read
I’m both a genetic (from birth) and financial (since 2006) lottery winner. My parents were the first in their families to go to college and, were it not for TV, I would have squandered their work and savings on literary theory classes and dreams. (More) I escaped that shame by accidentally going on TV. But they never begrudged me my dumb choices. They grew up in a pre-Reagan working middle class era where education and dreams were not a stigma of elitism, or a one way ticket to crippling debt... (more)
Feb 4, 2020 • 12 tweets • 3 min read
I listened to Limbaugh the first time when I was a traffic counter in college and the batteries were dying on the Walkman I borrowed without permission from my roommate and I couldn’t listen to my @billybragg cassette anymore. AM was what I had left. (Cont’d) #It was 1989. I had never heard anything like what he was saying. I remember him trashing Martin Sheen for volunteering for the homeless population of New York. I remember him saying. “I *AM* equal time.”
Jan 31, 2020 • 4 tweets • 1 min read
With respect, Mad Bastard, I don’t think you are mad enough. This was always going to be an acquittal. As Lamar has proved, their is no bravery in refusing to take even symbolic action.
Jan 31, 2020 • 4 tweets • 1 min read
Head shaking serious columnists. If one side votes essentially along party lines to do the right thing and one party votes to prevent it, that doesn’t mean the process is sadly partisan. It means one party is bad. (Cont’d) Oh. Was that uncivil? Here’s something nicer but equally true: One party is openly enthralled to a couple of really bad humans. The rest are merely bad faith sycophants and cowards. All of them value power more than the country or its constitution.
Oct 20, 2019 • 7 tweets • 2 min read
"Fella who came down here and got in trouble — overstepped his bounds to a degree some folks thought. And they cured him of his problems." John Whitten, a former Tallahatchie county PROSECUTOR said this about Emmett Till ON THE RECORD to @npr in 2019. The “fella” was 14. The “cure” was kidnapping, torture, murder, and the sinking of a child’s body in the river, tied to an industrial fan.
Jan 22, 2019 • 14 tweets • 3 min read
Uh. You step aside. You say "Please don't" or "Let's talk, what's happening here?" If your friends are backing you up with taunts and jeers, say, "Be cool, guys. You're not helping." There is no rule that you stand and smirk and escalate. Unless you get off on it (Cont'd) ...And have grown up knowing that you won't be punished for being an aggro fight picker, and in fact have been rewarded for it. But let's take the most charitable explanation and suggest the guy didn't know WHAT to do, Sure (cont'd)....
Jan 21, 2019 • 9 tweets • 2 min read
The “both sides are equally bad” brain infection is a powerful meme in the original sense: an idea that self perpetuates like an organism, its only motive is survival, with zero consideration of truth or meaning.. I BOUGHT AIRPLANE WIFI TO WRITE THIS THREAD SO PLS READ IT Right now the media (mostly) is fighting their natural impulse to both sides this. you can feel them wanting to succumb. They are fighting off the infection with mega doses of anti biotics but the infection WILL win over time.
Sep 26, 2018 • 15 tweets • 3 min read
I tweeted this a bit ago, and a follower said I was "virtue signaling." Let me correct the record: I wasn't. I was bragging. I was basically an amazing teen. I bet there are some things I did that hurt people then that I have pushed deep down and away in my brain... cont'd If that is you, contact me via my #JJHO address or however you like and I will listen and try to make amends. But in light of the Setwick allegations just now, I want to say... (con'td)
Nov 1, 2017 • 20 tweets • 2 min read
1 This is the 2nd time my wife has had to escort students away from the close proximity of a terror attack in 16 years. Same spot, obviously 2 This AM I am overwhelmed with sadness for the dead, the wounded, their families. And also overwhelmed with a feeling of luck shameful luck