dougal: look that ted. that old Harry Potter lady is being critical of some gander
ted: it's gender, dougal. it's gender criticism. I don't know what everyone's so upset about
dougal: im upset I've been saying gander wrong
ted: gender, dougal. basically all shes saying is that a man has a willy and a woman has the ehhhhh the. the other thing, there
dougal: which one am i then ted
ted: you're a man, dougal
dougal: how do you know?
ted: well. you have a uh. you know. a willy
dougal: have I ted
Feb 1, 2022 • 70 tweets • 10 min read
first night home in my own bed after three days in hospital with endometriosis. we spent too much money on parking and getting tickets etc so if you'd like to help me out my PayPal is apocalypsemaud@gmail.com THANK
I was on the non urgent waitlist for a new IUD but apparently being in pain fentanyl cant touch bumps me up the list to urgent. only three weeks to a month to wait!
Aug 12, 2019 • 12 tweets • 2 min read
me: hello christian grey. i have some interview questions for you
mister grey: ah yes
me: shut up. ahem. you are majorly creepy. did you ever kill anyone? i have. i said it was an accident but there was a definite moment when i made a choice
mister grey: excuse me
me: shut up
me: you like to stalk women. do you also enjoy wetting the bed and setting fires
grey: no
me: yes you do. i'm writing down YES. if you could be an animal, what animal would you be
grey: -
me: wrong. you are already an animal, because that's what humans are
Jun 27, 2019 • 4 tweets • 1 min read
don draper: when people think of ypur brand, they think of children. heres how we make that work for us
pete: as long as we dont show any prurient material of the child, i suppose
don: no, Campbell. we're going to show the child urinate
pete: but don
don: this child is born in blood and raised to piss
beginning: we pan over some stock footage of a farm. VO:
my story begins in a humble farm house in the year 1729. i was born hungry. i was born..........hillary
now we see a small girl being lectured by a man in a business suit (please let me know if u have a business suit i can borrow)
man: hillary clinton, you are a child. but i can already tell, you are bad and will never do politics
Aug 23, 2018 • 10 tweets • 1 min read
freeze frame on man running through bazaar
Jason Statham (VO): yeah. thass me. aladdin runnin frum the fuckin fuzz again
jasmine: who's there
Jason Statham aladdin: names aladdin, sweetheart. thass a big fuckin dog you got
Jasmine: it's a tiger
Jan 4, 2018 • 10 tweets • 2 min read
a woman approaches the front step where i rock slowly, chewing on a stalk. "i'm from cosmo" she says but i cut her off. "i ain't the dick whisperer no more" i say. "i left that life behind me"
"we need you" she says pluckily. "the october issue is coming and we need to know how to make a willy stand up" i shake my head. "sorry you wasted your trip, kid"
