My partner asked me a good question. “If some kind of vaccine or prophylactic other than masking became available, and it ensured you wouldn’t get Covid, would you then “go back to normal?”

Without thinking I said “yes!”

But then I spent time thinking…

1/ Before covid, I wasn’t aware of how I’d get sick. I’d just get sick a lot, but I didn’t have the knowledge of airborne transmission. I always washed my hands a lot bc of my work and I worked out and was careful with my diet and took vitamins.

2/

It’s been an interesting and enlightening week of conversations for me.

Last night my partner said, “Is it wrong of me that sometimes I think back on 2020 and I miss it. I think of it fondly. At least most of us here were all in solidarity and I didn’t have to choose.”

1/ He said this because I was telling him about a conversation I had with someone earlier in the day who said they try their hardest to never think of 2020 since they were “locked in my home for months and months.” They refuse to process their trauma.

2/

I can’t even count up the hundreds of times someone has said “you do you” to me.

So I’m doing me. I’ll protect myself however I can. And by protecting myself I’m also protecting everyone around me too.

But I’m done expecting anyone will do the same for me. 1/ Partner and I had some hard conversations last night. I can’t take the emotional labor of it all anymore. I’m so done being the bad guy. Being blamed for everything. We’re approaching 1 year since his best friend ended the friendship because of my wishes. 2/

“It didn’t have to be this way.”

True. And please know this sentence means you’re grieving and I have all the compassion for grief. I’m constantly grieving too.

I’m just actively trying my hardest to stay in the present moment as much as humanly possible.
1/ And while it didn’t have to be this way is true, “this way” is what we have now. These are the fucking cards dealt to us by our leaders.

So while I mourn what could have been, I will give more energy to I DO NOT CONSENT TO YOUR WAY OF DOING THIS. I resist by wearing my N95.
2/

My partner is leaving today to spend the next 5 days with his family. Last time he did this he got covid. 7 out of 9 of them did and his family learned nothing.

His family refuses to do anything that they deem abnormal. Fully living like it’s 2019.

1/ My partner asked his parents if they’d be willing to take some precautions and they said no. They’re 80 and my FIL has diabetes, a pacemaker, and leukemia. But it’s more convenient to believe they’re all healthy and covid is a cold.

2/

From now on I’m just going to ask people, “Do you know if you got anyone else sick?” Because that’s really what I want people to think about, and maybe asking that question will put them in that frame of mind.

I’m tired of people dismissing the chain of transmission. I’m just tired of hearing people lament on how they’re the victim without seemingly considering how they’re victimizing others too.

I’d really hope there wouldn’t be people who would relish in my pain.

If I hang with my in-laws and get covid from them or someone else on the patio we’re at, I’d really hope someone’s thought wouldn’t be “FAFO”.

Many of us are doing the best we can. If it were up to me, I’d probably never leave my home. But I have to work. And I work 6 inches away from peoples faces. And my partner has to work. And he’s around people who don’t wear a mask at work. And he wants to see his parents. And we can’t control them.

Saw a young client of mine yesterday that I haven’t seen in 2 yrs. Asked her what she’s been up to and she sighed heavily and said, “A LOT!”

I figured she was going to tell me about work or her boyfriend, but instead she told me something entirely unexpected. 1/ Christmas 2021 she visited her family. Mom said it was just allergies. Once she got home a few days later her mom called and said, “Well, it’s not allergies after all. I have covid. So you’ll probably get it in a couple of days too.”

And she did. Of course. 2/

Almost 3 years of working 6 inches away from peoples faces all day.

One time, in the Fall of 2020, I had a client come in and tell me not to worry “it’s just a cold.” 1/ From that point on, I started communicating to my clients that no one can step foot into my studio with any symptoms of any (contagious) illness. And that’s just one of many steps I take so I can hopefully protect myself and my other clients too. 2/

I used to be a trainer/education manager for a big, well-known cosmetic company. I traveled every Monday-Friday and had 7 states as my territory. I was living in Texas at the time, but frequently had to go to Louisiana, which was my favorite.

I’ve stayed connected to many there Last night I shared a story on Instagram about a man who had a blood clot after getting covid. I woke up to this message from someone in Louisiana that I used to be their trainer.

3 years ago my partner took me to karaoke for Valentine’s Day. He’s an amazing singer and we had an incredible time.

That memory popped up on FB and I reposted it saying how much I miss things like that. My partner’s mom commented and said, “Can we please go to karaoke when we visit for his birthday in May?”

😑😑😑😑😑

Saw a favorite client of mine last night that I haven’t seen since this summer. She said she hasn’t come in because she and entire family has been sick nonstop since September. She said they’ve had “everything” back to back with very little reprieve. In talking to her, it was obvious she doesn’t keep up with anything regarding PH. She has 3 young kids and works too, so she’s busy and exhausted.

She said she’d been too sick and overwhelmed to really pay attention to the outside world.

Each day this week I’ve had clients come in and tell me how their kids have been hospitalized with flu and RSV. One client’s child was only 2 months old when they got covid at their pediatrician’s office. That same child was just recently hospitalized with both flu and RSV. They aren’t even one years old yet and they’ve been sick A LOT. And the mom herself was hospitalized too. The hospital was so busy they deprioritized her and then her appendix ruptured.

My favorite cousin has moved near me. I haven’t had family near me in almost 8 years. I had planned to spend Christmas by myself since my partner will be out of town, but now I get to see my cousin and his wife. That last sentence…y’all, it made me cry. How kind! How considerate! And they’re more than happy to do it all.

This is all it takes to be a decent human.

Some details to add to this:

Partner’s parents asked us to do a zoom with them. Partner assumed they were going to deliver bad news to us. I figured they just wanted to catch up.

We were both wrong. The real agenda? To convince me to get on a plane and see their entire family for Christmas.

“Lindy, you’ve seen how we’re living back to normal and for quite some time. And we haven’t been sick. Doesn’t that convince you it’s okay?”

Me: “No.”

My partner went to the pharmacy to get my allergy medicine because that’s the only way to purchase it. He wore a ReadiMask because it’s his favorite.

The person working was wearing an ill-fitting kN95. She asked him about his mask… But then she told him she prefers to wear masks that have better airflow because she needs ventilation and fresh air to wear it all day. 😑🥴🫣

Got a long, upfront text from a friend yesterday saying they’re done with taking any and all precautions. Just wanted to let us know. He was our only friend we felt comfortable having over since he lives by himself, WFH, and was masking indoors. This is my partner’s closest male friend and he recently had his younger brother come visit him. Pretty sure his brother convinced him to give up as he’s had a few infections now and he’s “fine.”

We invited him over often since he spent so much time alone.

It’s really hard for me to see my clients struggle and there’s not a lot I can do for them.

Yesterday I saw a client I haven’t seen since July. To say I love and adore her is an understatement. She’s just an absolute joy to be around.

Yesterday she walked in and seemed down. I asked her how she was doing and she said not good and told me she’s struggling. “I can’t focus or concentrate and I’ve never been like this before. I don’t know if I’m just burned out…OR maybe it’s because I’ve had covid 3 times this year…” 2/

I have one client who got covid last Spring when her boyfriend’s parents came to visit and infected everyone. I saw her not too long after testing negative. It was obvious she’d had her ass kicked; you could see how tired she was in her eyes. 1/ She told me the worst part was the brain fog. The constant confusion and how scary it was bc her brain just wouldn’t work normally.

A few months later she came in and told me she’d wrecked her car by hitting her garage. It’s apparently a tight squeeze and not easy…2/

In ‘98 I started swing dancing. I had been a dancer my entire life, but I had never done any partner dancing before. I was terrible. Tbf, everyone was terrible, but you couldn’t tell us anything. We had joy and energy and we had a blast. 1/ When I say we kicked and flailed around, I mean it. Like ants in our pants flailing around. But y’all, we had FUN!

It was more than a hobby to me pretty quickly. Nine months in and I was ready to travel to take classes and learn more and be more serious about it. 2/

I’d rather spend my energy trying to have conversations that will hopefully influence and educate others to see that “let er rip” is terrible and ableist.

I’d rather not automatically label everyone as stupid or a monster, because that doesn’t invite them to a shared goal. 1/ I’m fortunate (in some ways) to be able to have these conversations face to face with my clients. I have to be strategic and it’s definitely far from easy. I’ve always been very direct and that can sometimes be off-putting to the passive aggressive PNW. But I have some tips! 2/