JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: I'M BACK!
Rowling: [snapping fingers] and I'm on the prowl!
Rowling: revenge would tasste sso ssweet right now!
Julie Bindel, Helen Joyce, Alison Bailey: [in unison] she's back, she's back!
Rowling: and it's time for war! Rowling: [snapping fingers] I'M BACK!
Rowling: and i won't play nice!
Julie Bindel, Helen Joyce, Alison Bailey: [in unison] she's back!
Rowling: I'M BACK!
Rowling: against my lawyer's advice!

Stephen King: wow, john, i just heard that you're going to be in the The Thing Expanded documentary!
John Carpenter: [playing Jak and Daxter: The Precursor Legacy on Playstation 2]
King:
Carpenter:
King: i said
Carpenter: i heard you King: i'm just really excited cuz that's my favorite movie!
Poe: mine too!
Koontz: oh wow! me too!
Barker: everyone loves that movie
Lovecraft: great film!
Carpenter:
Carpenter: yeah well
Carpenter: that's not what you were saying in 1982

JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i am very concerned
Barker: are you still on about the olympics
Rowling: NO
Rowling: well yess
Rowling: but more to the point
Rowling: people need to ssstop talking about my black mold! Rowling: i want you all to sstop ssaying that my sscottish casstle isss full of black mold
Rowling: or asss we call it in england
Rowling: black mould
King: but joanne we're just really concerned!
Rowling: THATSSS MY LINE!!!

JK Rowling: hello children
Clive Barker: oh are you still mad about the olym
Rowling: I'M SSTILL MAD ABOUT THE OLYMPICSS
Barker: looks like she's still mad about the olympics
Rowling: how dare you!
Rowling: POINT TO WHERE I SSAID I WAS SSTILL MAD ABOUT THE OLYMPICSS!! Rowling: i have concernsss
Barker: hey joanne how do you feel about that rapist they let play volleyball?
Rowling: what?
Rowling: who caress about that?
Rowling: i'm talking about REAL ISSSSUESSS
Rowling: did you notice that boxer has a suspiciously unladylike haircut

JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i'm VERY concerned about the olympicss
Clive Barker: oh you found a new interest? that's nice
Stephen King: i didn't know you followed the olympics!
Rowling: I do now that TRANSS WOMEN ARE INVOLVED
Barker: so you didn't find a new interest King: i don't think any trans women are involved in the olympics actually joanne
Rowling: then I'll just have to make sssome up!
Barker: does everything have to be about the trans women
Rowling: YESS
Rowling: YESS IT DOESSS

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: what newssss?
Rowling: allisssson how goess the lawsssuit againssst ssstonewall?
Allison Bailey: GREAT NEWS!
Bailey: if losing were winning, then we just totally won!
Rowling: Rowling: ssee, thiss sssilver-tongued eloquence isss why you're the bessst lawyer in the bussinesss!
Bailey: thanks, dark lord!
Rowling: or you would be if you ACTUALLY WON ANY CASSSESSS
Bailey: i
Bailey: oh
Rowling: how could you lose? i gave you £1,000,000!

Steven Spielberg: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the poltergeist
Spielberg: now unfortunately, i'm kinda committed to tell a different story over at space coven tonight
Spielberg: so my friend tobe hooper is gonna tell this one for me Tobe Hooper: it's actually pronounced toe-bee
Spielberg:
Spielberg: what
Hooper: toe-bee
Hooper: like toby
Spielberg:
Hooper: you know what never mind let's just do this

JK Rowling: sso i was talking to a real life friend who exisstss (he'ss jusst sstanding right outsside of frame) and i assked him do you know what the bepenissed lessbians are doing to the ssoil
Rowling: for ssome reasson he sseemed really uncomfortable Rowling: sso of coursse i demanded to know what all hiss sstraight male friendss were into, ssexually
Rowling: but apparently thiss iss not a thing that sstraight men disscusss with each other
Rowling: which provess transs people are bad
Rowling: ssimple logic, really

[at unicorn fuck club]
JRR Tolkien: tonight we've got a special story from everyone's favorite fantasy writer
GRR Martin:
CS Lewis:
Peter S Beagle:
Hans Christian Andersen:
L Frank Baum:
Tolkien: whoops shouldn't have said that ha ha
Tolkien: i mean, you're all winners in my book Tolkien: but when i say everyone's favorite fantasy writer
Tolkien: i mean terry practchett
GRR Martin: oh yeah that's fair
CS Lewis: yeah fair
Peter S Beagle: fair
Hans Christian Andersen: yes yes of course
L Frank Baum: that's fair

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
Elon Musk: eyyyy i just thinka you should post somethinga besida da transphobia, si?
Musk: lika da strega bambino!
Musk: da people lova da straga bambino! [chef's kiss] Rowling: wow elon maybe you're right
Rowling: maybe i should take a break from transsphobia to talk about the sssix other booksss that i'm planning to write
Rowling: becaussse there are sssix other minoritiesss that have really been pissssing me off lately

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: did you hear? daniel radcliffe and emma watson sssupport transs rightsss?
Rowling: i will NEVER forgive thisss betrayal
Rowling: from hellssss heart i ssstab at thee!!! Rowling: don't they undersstand that I own them? body and ssoul?
Rowling: they are ssstill in my thrall! i never gave them clothessss!
Rowling: i'm pretty sssure that child actorsss work the sssame way as houssse elvess

Stoker: i've got a great story for you all tonight
Koontz: dracula?
Stoker: no dean it's not dracula
Barker: you have other stories besides dracula?
Stoker:
Stoker: yes clive i do have other stories
Barker: damn big if true! Stoker: what are you implying clive? i have plenty of stories!
Stoker: i'm not some one hit wonder like mary
Mary Shelley: whoa there cowboy
Shelley: maybe you wanna back that the fuck up?
Stoker: i'm sorry mary, i didn't mean it
Stoker: clive got me all riled up

JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: oh
Poe: oh joanne
Poe: you're back
Rowling: i have concernss
Poe: uh we're mostly about just telling stories here
Poe: you have your own campfire for your terf stuff don't you?
Rowling: yess but they've really been getting on my nervess lately Rowling: you know how it iss with terf deatheaterss
Poe: not really
Rowling: alwayss agreeing with everything i ssay
Rowling: all "oh yes dark lord" this and "oh spare me dark lord" that
Rowling: ssometimess you jusst get tired of hearing "masterful gambit dark lord"

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: today i am going to tell
Rowling: the one joke
Allison Bailey: the joke! the one joke!
Helen Joyce: dark master is going to tell the one joke!
Jesse Singal: masterful gambit, mommy! Rowling: Happy Birthing Parent Day to all whosse large gametes were fertilissed resulting in ssmall humanss whose ssex was asssigned by doctorss making mostly lucky guesssess
Joyce: she did it! she told the one joke!
Bailey: the absolute madwoman!!

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i have terrible, bone-chilling newsss
Rowling: did you know that india willoughby exisssstsss?
Rowling: thiss makess me ssso mad Rowling: i know you're all ussed to me being ssubtle
Rowling: you know, talking about womensss ssafety and all that
Rowling: but i'm done with that
Rowling: now i enter endgame

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i have excellent newsss
Allison Bailey: yes! yes!
Julie Bindel: yes! tell us more dark lord
Helen Joyce: yes tell us!
Rowling: excellent...
Rowling: harry potter related news!
Bailey:
Bindel:
Joyce: YES!! Rowling: they're making a new harry potter ssseriessss
Rowling: people are hungry for more about the boy wizard!
Joyce: ravenously hungry!!
Joyce: god yes please more harry potter!
Joyce: GOD i'm so hot for more harry potter content
Joyce: i need it in my body now!!!
Rowling:

HP Lovecraft: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the mountains of madness
Lovecraft: it's about a scientific expedition to antarctica that finds a terrifying ancient evil
Clive Barker: is it penguins
Lovecraft:
Lovecraft: m-maybe Lovecraft: look it's not just penguins
Lovecraft: these penguins are really scary
Lovecraft: for one thing, they're really big
Barker: so emperor penguins
Lovecraft: no i
Lovecraft: you know what shut up

JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: oh joanne
Poe: you're back
Rowling: yesss i have a new harry potter TV sssseriesss that you are all obligated to watch by order of the king
Poe:
Lovecraft:
King:
Koontz:
Barker:
Barker: yeah how's that work?
Poe: clive Rowling: harry potter isss back!
Rowling: he'sss the boy who lived! and he will NEVER die
Rowling: thanksss to my wealth and influence, i can cram whimsssy down your throatsss forever!!
Rowling: now take this online quiz to find out your hogwarts house!!
Rowling: take it, i say!!

Todd Keisling: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call the tale of the progressive rock band making an album based on the yellow king
Keisling: with a cover by our greatest living artist roger dean
Dean Koontz: hey! that's my name too! Keisling: so there's this groupie
Keisling: camilla
Keisling: and she's got ideas for the band's music
Keisling: horrifying apocalyptic ideas
Keisling: she's going to have everyone take off their masks
Robert W Chambers: i get it!

Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
Shelley: what's going on here
Lord Byron: [tossing hair] ah mary what a vision you are
Lord Byron: [tossing hair] percy and i were just about to visit the ladies of llangollen
Shelley: why are my boyfriends sneaking around together behind my back Mary Shelley: what the hell is this ladies of llangollen bullshit
Lord Byron: [tossing hair] ah see mary it's a most curious thing
Byron: [tossing hair] two women living together
Byron: [tossing hair] science simply can't explain it
Mary Shelley: they're lesbians byron

Stephen King: you guys, have you read the new JK Rowling book?
King: this cormorant strike is just incredible stuff!
King: it's amazing that she still finds time to write!
King: since she's probably busy with other stuff
King: i really haven't checked King: not really sure what she's doing when she's not writing cormorant strike
King: probably normal writer things
King: luckily, i don't need to worry about that!