[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: did you hear? daniel radcliffe and emma watson sssupport transs rightsss?
Rowling: i will NEVER forgive thisss betrayal
Rowling: from hellssss heart i ssstab at thee!!! Rowling: don't they undersstand that I own them? body and ssoul?
Rowling: they are ssstill in my thrall! i never gave them clothessss!
Rowling: i'm pretty sssure that child actorsss work the sssame way as houssse elvess

Stoker: i've got a great story for you all tonight
Koontz: dracula?
Stoker: no dean it's not dracula
Barker: you have other stories besides dracula?
Stoker:
Stoker: yes clive i do have other stories
Barker: damn big if true! Stoker: what are you implying clive? i have plenty of stories!
Stoker: i'm not some one hit wonder like mary
Mary Shelley: whoa there cowboy
Shelley: maybe you wanna back that the fuck up?
Stoker: i'm sorry mary, i didn't mean it
Stoker: clive got me all riled up

JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: oh
Poe: oh joanne
Poe: you're back
Rowling: i have concernss
Poe: uh we're mostly about just telling stories here
Poe: you have your own campfire for your terf stuff don't you?
Rowling: yess but they've really been getting on my nervess lately Rowling: you know how it iss with terf deatheaterss
Poe: not really
Rowling: alwayss agreeing with everything i ssay
Rowling: all "oh yes dark lord" this and "oh spare me dark lord" that
Rowling: ssometimess you jusst get tired of hearing "masterful gambit dark lord"

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: today i am going to tell
Rowling: the one joke
Allison Bailey: the joke! the one joke!
Helen Joyce: dark master is going to tell the one joke!
Jesse Singal: masterful gambit, mommy! Rowling: Happy Birthing Parent Day to all whosse large gametes were fertilissed resulting in ssmall humanss whose ssex was asssigned by doctorss making mostly lucky guesssess
Joyce: she did it! she told the one joke!
Bailey: the absolute madwoman!!

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i have terrible, bone-chilling newsss
Rowling: did you know that india willoughby exisssstsss?
Rowling: thiss makess me ssso mad Rowling: i know you're all ussed to me being ssubtle
Rowling: you know, talking about womensss ssafety and all that
Rowling: but i'm done with that
Rowling: now i enter endgame

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i have excellent newsss
Allison Bailey: yes! yes!
Julie Bindel: yes! tell us more dark lord
Helen Joyce: yes tell us!
Rowling: excellent...
Rowling: harry potter related news!
Bailey:
Bindel:
Joyce: YES!! Rowling: they're making a new harry potter ssseriessss
Rowling: people are hungry for more about the boy wizard!
Joyce: ravenously hungry!!
Joyce: god yes please more harry potter!
Joyce: GOD i'm so hot for more harry potter content
Joyce: i need it in my body now!!!
Rowling:

HP Lovecraft: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the mountains of madness
Lovecraft: it's about a scientific expedition to antarctica that finds a terrifying ancient evil
Clive Barker: is it penguins
Lovecraft:
Lovecraft: m-maybe Lovecraft: look it's not just penguins
Lovecraft: these penguins are really scary
Lovecraft: for one thing, they're really big
Barker: so emperor penguins
Lovecraft: no i
Lovecraft: you know what shut up

JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: oh joanne
Poe: you're back
Rowling: yesss i have a new harry potter TV sssseriesss that you are all obligated to watch by order of the king
Poe:
Lovecraft:
King:
Koontz:
Barker:
Barker: yeah how's that work?
Poe: clive Rowling: harry potter isss back!
Rowling: he'sss the boy who lived! and he will NEVER die
Rowling: thanksss to my wealth and influence, i can cram whimsssy down your throatsss forever!!
Rowling: now take this online quiz to find out your hogwarts house!!
Rowling: take it, i say!!

Todd Keisling: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call the tale of the progressive rock band making an album based on the yellow king
Keisling: with a cover by our greatest living artist roger dean
Dean Koontz: hey! that's my name too! Keisling: so there's this groupie
Keisling: camilla
Keisling: and she's got ideas for the band's music
Keisling: horrifying apocalyptic ideas
Keisling: she's going to have everyone take off their masks
Robert W Chambers: i get it!

Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
Shelley: what's going on here
Lord Byron: [tossing hair] ah mary what a vision you are
Lord Byron: [tossing hair] percy and i were just about to visit the ladies of llangollen
Shelley: why are my boyfriends sneaking around together behind my back Mary Shelley: what the hell is this ladies of llangollen bullshit
Lord Byron: [tossing hair] ah see mary it's a most curious thing
Byron: [tossing hair] two women living together
Byron: [tossing hair] science simply can't explain it
Mary Shelley: they're lesbians byron

Stephen King: you guys, have you read the new JK Rowling book?
King: this cormorant strike is just incredible stuff!
King: it's amazing that she still finds time to write!
King: since she's probably busy with other stuff
King: i really haven't checked King: not really sure what she's doing when she's not writing cormorant strike
King: probably normal writer things
King: luckily, i don't need to worry about that!

Guillermo del Toro: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of frankenstein
del Toro: but this time
del Toro: there's a little twist
del Toro: the twist is that frankenstein is hot del Toro: see, what if it starred Andrew Garfield and Oscar Isaac?
Mary Shelley: which one is frankenstein?
del Toro: doesn't matter, they're both pretty fuckable
Shelley:
Shelley: yeah that's right

JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: tonight I'm going to tell you more about cormorant ssstrike's latessst adventure
King: there's more?
Rowling: there'sss lotss more
Rowling: itsss 961 pagesss
Rowling: do not give me sshit sssteve
Rowling: you of all people Rowling: in thiss book, cormorant ssstrike makesss a whole lot of phone callsss and hangss out in a whole bunch of fancccy resstaurantsss
Rowling: he doessn't actually do the detective work, he hiresss freelancersss for that
Rowling: cormorant sstrike is a job creator

Stephen King: oh boy this is embarrassing
Poe: what's that?
King: well, see, we kinda
King: accidentally
King: agreed to let this nazi a story
Poe: oh boy that is a pickle
King: yeah its a real whoopsie doodle Poe: did we already tell him yes?
King: yeah
Poe: well criminy
Poe: not much we can do then
Poe: that'd be like going back on a pinkie swear
King: yeah it'd be like
King: kinda awkward
Poe: who was in charge of the paperwork
Poe: was it howard

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: By the shores of Gitche Gumee
Longfellow: By the shining Big-Sea-Water
Longfellow: stood the mighty Hiawatha
Longfellow: in a coat he made from otter King: wow, just wow
Barker: incredible stuff!
Koontz: gosh! so cool!
Lovecraft: really gets you right here, don't it?
Poe:
Poe: [muttering] he's not that good

Stephen King: submitted for the approval of the
Elon Musk: [emerging from bushes] eyyyyy stephano king!
Musk: you still no paya $8 for X?
King: no elon i'm
King: wait
King: $8 for what? Musk: eyyyyy iss x now!
Musk: cuz x itta do everything!
Musk: it da everything app!
King: what do you mean it'll "do everything?"
Musk: eyyyy you know
Musk: it do
Musk: it do
Musk: it do-a alla da things capiche???

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: what newssss of the terf fight
Kathleen Stock: great news, dark lord!
Stock: you know how we've been planning to extend our hate campaign to include lesbians?
Rowling: Stock: well, italy is going to remove lesbian parents from birth certificates
Rowling: oh good!
Rowling: i guessss we can finally punt the L off of LGB alliance
Rowling: funny, i alwaysss figured that B would be the firssst to go
Rowling: life comess at you fassst

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: today i want to introducce a very sspecial guessst- john boyne
Rowling: author of the boy in the sstriped pajamassss
John Boyne: ahem, that's the boy in the striped pajamas colon a fable
Boyne: get it right! Boyne: listen up people
Boyne: Here’s a tip for anyone interacting with a novelist online
Boyne: you can say our books suck
Boyne: you can call us bad writers
Boyne: you can say we’re stupid, ugly or fat
Boyne: you can say we're bald
Boyne: you can say that we're lazy...

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i've just learned ssssome disssturbing newsss
Rowling: from a reputable sssource
Rowling: a random nazi on twitter
Rowling: but
Rowling: i really really REALLY want it to be true Rowling: did you know
Rowling: that puberty blockers deaden a childsss sssoul?
Rowling: a transss child is literally an inhuman shell
Kathleen Stock: wow! like a monster!
Rowling: yesss
Rowling: exactly like a monster
Rowling: think about it

JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: good newssss
Rowling: elon mussssk the sssmartesst man in the says ciss isss a sslur
Rowling: you can't sssay cisss
Rowling: itsss a ssslur you sssee
Barker: you can't say what?
Rowling: ciss
Barker: you just said it Rowling: what
Barker: you just said the slur
Rowling: well of coursse i sssaid it
Rowling: i'm allowed to ssay it
Rowling: i jussst meant THEY can't ssay it
Barker: who?
Rowling: you know
Rowling: THEM

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i've jusssst been corresssponding with sssome delightful people
Rowling: The United Patriot Front of Nordic Blood Purity, aka The 1488th Divission Sskull Fuckerss
Rowling: they're all griffyndors in my book! Rowling: you know
Rowling: in my book, when harry organizess his classsmatess to ressisst the tyranny of voldemort
Rowling: itss very much like when the good work of the Imperial Brotherhood of Teutonic Might aka Herr Kommandant's Loyal Jew Crusher Panzerdivission