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HENRY MORRIS Profile picture
HENRY MORRIS
@mrhenrymorris
🇬🇧Retired Conservative MP I write funny things. The Diary of a Secret Royal is out now - https://t.co/Pkd8JIjWHN Rep @litagencygmc
@littlegravitas@c.im 🇺🇦 🇪🇺 🇮🇱 🇵🇸 #FBPE Profile picture Dame Chris🌟🇺🇦😷 #RejoinEU #FBPE #GTTO🔶️ Profile picture meejahoar (Liz/she/her) 🇺🇦🇪🇺🌈🏳️‍🌈⚧🏳️‍⚧️ Profile picture Howard Lloyd Profile picture Margaret Georgiadou aka GangstaGran #FBPA #FBPPR Profile picture 25 subscribed
Dec 22, 2023 • 5 tweets • 2 min read
All five parts linked below:
Dec 12, 2023 • 8 tweets • 2 min read
’Twas the night before Sunak, when all thro' the House,
Not a Gullis was stirring, not even a mouse;
Order papers were hung by the Speaker’s own chair,
In hopes that Asylum Bill soon would be there;
🧵 The Tories were huddled, immersed in their threads,
While visions of boat people danc'd in their heads,
Suella in her 'kerchief, Jenrick with his stab,
Had just settled our brains for debating crap –
When out on the Green there arose such a clatter,
Dec 12, 2023 • 11 tweets • 2 min read
A Day In Politics. By Mark Francois.

7am - Breakfast of Sugar Puffs made with a can of Monster

7.05am - Count and remove the nine bagged dogshits local youths posted through my letterbox last night

7.06am - Convene Star Chamber of Rayleigh and Wickford Neighbourhood Watch
🧵👇 Image 8.15am - Star Chamber conclude that plan to deport local delinquents to Leyton is full of holes

9am - Open door and step in the pork pie I left on my doorstep for the unknown soldier last night

9.05am - change my Bertulli elevator heel shoes for pair of combat boots
Dec 4, 2023 • 9 tweets • 3 min read
THE TORIES - WHERE ARE THEY NOW? (2034 EDITION)

PART TWO!

John Redwood

Has spent the last decade trying to infiltrate and restructure the RNLI so that they will only launch for people with 98% Saxon DNA.

He makes a supplementary income from an illegal puppy farm. Image Robert Jenrick

Retrained as a painter and decorator, specialising in making childcare facilities for vulnerable youngsters as foreboding as possible. Image
Nov 30, 2023 • 11 tweets • 5 min read
THE TORIES - WHERE ARE THEY NOW? (2034 EDITION!)

It has been a decade since the Conservative Party imploded at the 2024 general election (now you feel old), and you'll never guess what Boris's babies have been up to since the franchise ended!

Scroll down to find out... Image Therese Coffey

Since losing her seat, the former environment secretary has been keeping busy with her pop-up abattoir, roaming provincial city-centres armed with nothing but a bolt gun and an packed trailer of distressed livestock. Image
Oct 20, 2023 • 9 tweets • 2 min read
Tamworth and Mid-Beds By-election Fallout Latest:

Greg Hands moves to Defcon Meme and instructs the entire parliamentary party to get the "no-money left" letter tattooed on their foreheads.

Lee Anderson leads calls for the reopening of workhouses.

Ctd... Rishi Sunak commits to more flying in his cool helicopter.

Peter Bone has claimed a pair of velcro stripper trousers on expenses to make flashing junior staff easier.

Suella Braverman is signing up for flying lessons so she can deport refugees to Rwanda herself.
Aug 9, 2023 • 9 tweets • 2 min read
The Diary of Lee Anderson - 1663

August 9th

Up and after my morning victual of eggs poached in Irn Bru, to the GB News Studios where sat all the morning being vexed at things i cannot fathom, and this list being long by and by it was dinner, 🧵👇 Image whither my cat Clarke-Smith comes to be spoon-fed his baked beans and after I put on my new silke Asda sute the best that ever I wore in my life, the sute costing me above 24l, and to the barge Bibby Stockholm where I did much business, taking an account
Dec 25, 2022 • 9 tweets • 2 min read
Being a Tory MP, with a couple of divorces under my belt, means people aren't very keen to spend time with me at Christmas.

So this year I'm seizing the initiative and doing something I've always wanted...

A UK motorway service station tour.

Stop 1: Leicester Forest East! 10.30am

Leicester Forest East Dogwalking Area.

The day begins by meeting local MP Andrew Bridgen for salmon blinis and bucks fizz between the dogshit bins and a Scania R 730. Chatting vaccines and Brexit with Leicestershire's brightest star: what a start!
Dec 23, 2022 • 25 tweets • 4 min read
A CHRISTMAS CAROL

THE END OF IT

Yes! And the bedpost was his own. The bed was his own, the room was his own. Best and happiest of all, the Time before him was his own, to make amends in!
“I will live in the past, the present, and the future.” Rishi Scrooge Sunak repeated, as he got out of bed. “I don’t know what to do! I don’t know what day of the month it is. I don’t know how long I’ve been among the spirits. Hallo! Hallo there!”
He ran to the window and put out his head.
Dec 22, 2022 • 21 tweets • 4 min read
A CHRISTMAS CAROL

CHAPTER FOUR – THE LAST OF THE SPIRITS

The Phantom slowly, gravely, silently approached. Rishi ‘Scrooge’ Sunak bent upon his knee; for in the very air through which this Spirit moved it seemed to scatter gloom, as when Isabel Oakeshott walks into a room. “Am I in the presence of the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come?” asked Scrooge.
The Spirit answered not but pointed onward with its hand.
Dec 21, 2022 • 27 tweets • 5 min read
A CHRISTMAS CAROL

CHAPTER THREE – THE SECOND OF THREE SPIRITS Awaking in the middle of a prodigiously tough snore, Rishi ‘Scrooge’ Sunak felt as if he was restored to consciousness for the especial purpose of holding a conference with the second messenger despatched through Boris Johnson’s intervention.
Dec 20, 2022 • 21 tweets • 4 min read
A CHRISTMAS CAROL

Abridged by The Secret Tory

CHAPTER TWO – THE FIRST OF THREE SPIRITS

Rishi Scrooge Sunak was endeavouring to pierce the darkness with his ferret eyes when the chimes of a neighbouring church struck twelve. It was so dark he could scarcely distinguish the window from the morgue-like depths of his soul. Boris Johnson’s Ghost had bothered him exceedingly. He remembered that a spirit should visit him at one o’clock, so he resolved to lie awake until the hour was past.
Dec 19, 2022 • 20 tweets • 4 min read
A CHRISTMAS CAROL

By Charles Dickens

Abridged by The Secret Tory

CHAPTER ONE – BORIS JOHNSON’S GHOST

Old Boris Johnson was as dead as a doornail. The wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Johnson was on the US lecture circuit. Sorry, I mean dead as a doornail.
Boris Johnson and Rishi ‘Scrooge’ Sunak were business partners for I don’t know how many years.
Dec 18, 2022 • 6 tweets • 1 min read
I'm just glad Lee hasn't amplified Gary's message to 1.1m people. *1.6m
Dec 15, 2022 • 10 tweets • 2 min read
Nursing strike.

Today I will be crossing the picket line and working in my local hospital as a Health Care Assistant.

Please follow this thread for live updates on how easy it is.

#nursingstrike Just out of handover. There are several patients here who have slipped on ice and fractured limbs. I am refusing to treat them on the grounds they didn't taken enough personal responsibility for themselves.
Dec 14, 2022 • 6 tweets • 2 min read
Moses and the Dinghy.

Exodus 2: 2-10.

2 So the woman conceived and bore a son. 3 And when she could no longer hide him, she took a dinghy for him, and sent him across the Channel. 4 Then the Pharaoh's daughter Braverman came down to bathe at the water. Image 5 And her Border Force walked along the waterside; and when she saw the dinghy among the turds and fatbergs, she sent a chimp called Gullis to get it.
Dec 13, 2022 • 8 tweets • 2 min read
A Tory reflects on the NHS.

Life came at you fast at the height of the pandemic. One minute you were banging pots and pans for healthcare staff, the next you were authorising £2b contracts to Full Support Healthcare for thousands of tons of unusable PPE.

🧵⬇️ And five minutes later you were getting leathered in the new Briefing Room with Allegra Stratton’s horsey mates. I don’t know what was hardest, signing off contracts equivalent to the entire Trident budget on a Kestrel Super hangover, or worrying
Dec 9, 2022 • 18 tweets • 3 min read
OH, DOGWHISTLE, AND I’LL COME TO YOU, MY LAD

By M.R. James and The Secret Tory.

A winter ghost story.

The conclusion.

Farage was out of his own bed in one bound, and made a dash towards the window. This was, as it turned out, the worst thing he could have done, because the personage, slipped from the bed and took up a position, with outspread arms, in front of the door. Farage watched it in a horrid perplexity.
Dec 8, 2022 • 6 tweets • 2 min read
I once met Meghan Markle at a carboot sale at Clarence House. Prince Charles needed a float to help sell his back catalogue of Hello! magazines, so he got me to bring him a Fortnum and Mason carrier bag full of cash from the former prime minister of Qatar.

🧵👇 All the royals were selling* and I'd just been talking to William and Kate who were hawking a selection of Paul Burrell's personal effects from the boot of Kate's modest Seat Ibiza. All I can remember thinking was no way have those lycra cycling shorts been washed.
Dec 8, 2022 • 17 tweets • 3 min read
OH, DOGWHISTLE, AND I’LL COME TO YOU, MY LAD

By M.R. James and The Secret Tory.

A winter ghost story.

Part Four.

Farage set forth with Lee Anderson, for a walk.
“Extraordinary wind, that, we had last night” he said. “In Ashfield we should have said someone had been whistling for it.”
“Should you, indeed!” said Farage. “Is there a superstition of that kind still current in your part of the country?”
“I don’t know about superstition,” said Anderson.
Dec 7, 2022 • 18 tweets • 3 min read
OH, DOGWHISTLE, AND I’LL COME TO YOU, MY LAD

By M.R. James and The Secret Tory.

A winter ghost story.

Part Three. Whether it was the wind, or the excitement of drinking Cinzano on a bench all day with Andrew Neil, or of the researches in the preceptory that kept Farage awake that night, he was not sure.