i’ve spent a lot of time with my kids this week

much of it has been rough

there’s a lot of yelling and screaming

a lot of pointless disagreement among these are glimpses of contagious joy

a little boy howling in laughter at a penguin who follows his hand

a little girl sitting in my lap and singing about mermaids

snuggling between them at night as they ask for the story of how the little boy was born

i messed up yesterday

a friend brought up coming of age rituals at lunch

they have positive feelings towards their experiences

i have negative feelings towards mine

i unloaded four breathless minutes expositing my concerns with these types of things until they stopped me, and pointed out that my vision of these rituals doesn't map onto theirs at all

in a straightforward review, i should have started with questions, and i shouldn't have spoken for that long

but there was something particular that i was not proud of

acknowledging problems is hard

we can only fix problems if we can identify them first

i've been surprised though, that sometimes it's easy to identify a problem, and simply hard to admit it's there when things are bad, it's easier to deflect

when things hurt, it's easier to hope they'll go away

when things just seem a little bit off, it's easier to try to look at things from a different angle

the good life is hard

good work is hard, and deeply satisfying

good art requires transference of the soul, and changes lives

good relationships take effort, and are the meaning of life i was told that life is hard, but not clearly enough that the good life is hard

it seems so clearly naïve to me now, but i spent much of my life thinking the good life was easy

i think the mixup of these ideas has gotten me into a lot of internal trouble over the years

i had dinner with a close friend last week

i'm an open book in this relationship. i've processed through feelings there i haven't processed anywhere else

we spend time together regularly, but not often

4-5 hours every 3 months, like clockwork many of our conversations over the last year have been somber—snapshots of my descent into a powerful depression and general feeling of being lost

last week was hopeful

A UNIFIED THEORY OF BUSYNESS

a twitter thread everything i'm about to tell you is based on a conversation where a coworker told me about a good family vacation

they said they left at a time when they felt like maybe they could have stayed one more night

but they've learned that that's exactly the right moment to leave

i spent some time with a friend who i haven't seen in 9 months

she asked how i was doing

i said i'm trying, and it was the most i could say at the time yesterday i went to a salon and had an earnest conversation about how to care for my hair

for years, i've been avoiding my hair and only looking in the mirror when absolutely necessary

VIRTUOUS FAILURE

a twitter thread mentors have told me

parents have told me

even michael caine told me

we learn from our failures

RETRIBUTION

a twitter thread there are two types of hurts

the kind where retribution is straightforward, and the kind where retribution is effectively impossible

ANCHORS

a twitter thread on monday morning i went to the psychiatrist again

the person at the front desk handed me that — now familiar — ipad

each visit, they do the same checkup, seeing how i'm doing

this is a follow-up story after

https://twitter.com/personunsure/status/1138887260152012800

THE ART OF (TUG OF) WAR

a twitter thread life is a constant push and pull

reactions, equal and opposite, are woven into the fabric of our universe

to embrace tension it is to embrace life itself

MY CABIN OPUS

a twitter thread there is a story about bon iver's first album, "For Emma, Forever Ago"

in the midst of heartbreak and frustration, justin vernon stole away into the wilderness for an extended period of isolation

he returned, having recorded an album that would become an instant classic

STARING INTO THE MIDDLE DISTANCE

a twitter thread when we're told how to live, it mostly comes packaged as high level directives

we hear things like: be kind. think of others before yourself. tell the truth

they're good. but they're so far away. they're cosmic

most weeks i try to write with a point

this week i'll just tell you a story

i was diagnosed with depression last week thursday morning i went to the psychiatry department for my appointment

they handed me an ipad to fill out an intake form

depression is diagnosable when you experience five out of nine symptoms for at least two weeks

FIVE FOR FIGHTING

a twitter thread i celebrated my 5th wedding anniversary two months ago

i celebrated it with my wife

she is my family

she is my future

she is my world

A REMEDY FOR SADNESS

a twitter thread four months ago at a dinner party a friend asked me about my two earliest memories

without prior contemplation, i immediately answered:

1. the death of my three month old brother
2. a birthday host explaining that he didn't want me at his party

ACCOUNTABILITY IS MY TRIGGER WORD

a twitter thread i started crying again last week

it's been 4 years since i last cried

but i've cried twice in the last 7 days

last night it was about accountability, because no single misappropriated concept has hurt me more

i've always been reticent to agree to creative schedules

i've always been scared to open up about my goals

i like to think i'll accomplish things on my own

but i need that encouragement and reinforcement i've always felt that if i could just crack it once, if i could just finish one big project, i could become the kind of person who finishes things on my own

everything in transit

relationships, like all things, are constantly in motion

constantly in motion, closer together or further apart

we'll never evolve past fight or flight fighting is such a beautiful thing

at its most basic: two people, grappling together, closer than they've ever been

it isn't easy, but at least it's clear what direction they're moving

This is one of the most important things I’ve ever seen on the internet ncase.me/crowds/ I grew up in a debate heavy culture. Lots of arguments about religious/theological minutiae. It gave me a continuous feeling that I was aware of multiple perspectives on the world and was therefore capable of making wise decisions

RIGHT WITH THE UNIVERSE, WRONG WITH YOU

a twitter thread I was recently captivated by a twitter thread about parking in Koreatown

https://twitter.com/Mrhflrs/status/1112924566312050690?s=20