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You are now consciously aware of your blinking. https://t.co/7UkhRRITOq - https://t.co/Qf0htgwqjg - https://t.co/0dXwvhaRID : pookleblinky
Nick Fitzsimons Profile picture Habitual Be Profile picture Fleshcassette Profile picture 3 added to My Authors
12 Oct
The GOP wants to kill you, and they want you to suffer the entire time.

The weird thing is, this is viewed as a difference of political opinion, something that democratic norms and procedures is designed to handle.
Imagine you invited a serial killer to a family dinner, and everyone treats him trying to eat grandma as if they were merely having an argument
All chastising you for being rude about the situation.

"let's settle this the old fashioned way: a nice game of monopoly."
Read 4 tweets
12 Oct
This caterpillar is called the puss moth caterpillar.

It is a baby puss moth, and it is angry. If you get closer, it'll squirt formic acid at you.
This caterpillar is the wattle cup caterpillar.

Like everything else in Australia, he wants to kill you. Unfortunately the best he can do is sting you with one of those spikes with the power of 3 wasp stings.
This is the wattle cup caterpillar's long distance American friend, the saddleback caterpillar.

His colorful fashion warns you not to mess with his urticating hairs, which'll ooze a powerful venom.
Read 12 tweets
12 Oct
Also interesting: take each row of 3 ingredients. Give yourself 1 point for each trio you can think of a way of making work.
Blue cheese, carrots, avocado? You could definitely make that work with a bit of effort
Peanut butter, dark chocolate, cottage cheese? That's a snack right there, just add a spoon.
Read 4 tweets
11 Oct
Cheesing your boss by discovering that if you bait him into standing up behind his desk while holding a coffee mug, you can toss dung pies at him without him aggroing toward you
Cheesing your boss by getting his AI pathing stuck in a corner
Cheesing your boss by entering his office through a window instead of the door, his aggro never activates so he stands there inert
Read 5 tweets
10 Oct
It's still funny to me that some aide spends 15 minutes trying to tell the dipshit about demographic data, and then he comes out and repeats it verbatim.

"Suburban women over the age of 50 in Ohio want me to lower taxes!"
Like, he doesn't even try to hide the fact that someone just showed him a bar graph and spent half an hour trying to make him understand it.

"Homeowners with 2 or more children know I will ____"
Like, usually candidates try to hide the fact that they are being given detailed info on demographics. They rarely mention the behind-the-scenes terms used in the models.

"people with 2 or more years of college education know I am in favor of ____"
Read 4 tweets
10 Oct
You know "imagine inventing libraries nowadays" but: can you imagine trying to introduce seatbelts nowadays? Remove lead from gasoline or paint?

You know maga chuds would be drinking leaded gasoline to own the libs. Cutting seatbelts off their cars to own the libs
Hell: imagine trying to introduce the idea of flame-retardant mattresses nowadays.

"I like my mattresses flammable," some blonde maga would say as her husband sets fire to their mattress in protest.
Think about it: can you even imagine the FDA being created nowadays? The CDC? OSHA

Every single safety regulation would be accompanied by a roar of ignorant fucks darwin awarding themselves to own the libs
Read 4 tweets
9 Oct
When someone gets really into news about hillary's emails, they're telling you that they don't know anyone who's gotten covid, or unemployed, etc. Not very close to other people, in other words.

Which is *great* news if you are a serial killer and need their body to go unnoticed
"her emails!"

Ah. I see you haven't talked much to anyone in the last 4 years. Kids don't speak to you anymore, right? Mind if I put on this poncho?
"her emails!"

Ah. So, am I right to assume your family stopped talking to you 4 years ago and your closest friends are all youtube channels? Brrr it's cold in here, mind if I put on my rainjacket?
Read 4 tweets
9 Oct
How to medically examine:

1. Assemble your medical instruments. ImageImageImageImage
2. Prep the patient for national television by *first* removing their outer layer of skin, exposing the nerve endings, and *then* spritzing with a dilute solution of 60°C ascorbic acid
3. The patient is prepped, the mise en place is ready, you may begin the medical examination by carefully exposing each nerve.

You will need to administer increasing amounts of amphetamines to keep them awake for the examination.
Read 6 tweets
9 Oct
You know, pointing out how the regeneron antibodies involve fetal tissue makes me wonder how the boomer death cult is gonna react.

They *literally* think there's a whole underground economy in fetal tissue
Like: they fully believe that their enemies have a near infinite supply of the stuff, their blood libel 2.0 necessitates it.
So: they hear "those monoclonal antibodies were made using research on fetal stem cells" and their first, instinctive reaction will be that they know where to get fetal stem cells.
Read 9 tweets
9 Oct
Idea: a porn site that restricts all porn to be depictions of one of the 72 demon princes of Hell as described in the Ars Goetia.

Nothing but demon porn. Prince Stolas has a whole niche category.

Monsterfucking *plus* furplay *plus* cosplay. You'd be rolling in cash.
It'd be the least cishet possible porn site and *everyone* will get hot and bothered Image
You'd need a few things:

- all porn would have to be original, made for it. No half-assed pretending a halloween costume is a demon prince

- $600 monthly subscription that goes entirely to the performers
Read 5 tweets
25 Sep
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like "he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine" and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you'd need to pay to prevent it from being used.
And then, when you ask why the orphan-crushing machine even exists, americans act bewildered that the large hydraulic device with a chute labelled INSERT ORPHANS HERE could be mistaken for an orphan-crushing machine
"you put orphans in, as the label suggests. It crushes them. It's even named the Orphanhammer 2000."

Only if you're foolish enough to put orphans in it, the american responds.
Read 4 tweets
23 Sep
Earth passes into an interstellar tight beam laser transmission and picks up terabytes of repeating data.

Years are spent analyzing it.

Finally, it is decoded.

It begins with approximately 3 terabytes of apparently personal anecdote.

Oh no. It's a recipe.
More years are spent analysing it.

Meanwhile, humanity decides to respond.

We send out a 6 terabyte clickbait article about earth, saving information about ourselves til last.
Decades go by.

We get another message.

It decodes to what seems to be a 3 terapixel image of an organism, from subcellular structure zoomed all the way up.

Oh god it's a cat picture.
Read 4 tweets
23 Sep
Horror movie idea:

A social media influencer tries to get clout by recording themselves performing symbolic gestures: giving shoes to a homeless man, etc

Except, there is no one there.
They're making a big deal of presenting a pair of shoes to a sidewalk, pretending to hug someone, crying.

They're leaning over, pretending to talk to a kid they just handed a burger
Their IG is full of hours of this. Handing trinkets to no one, hugging the air, etc.
Read 4 tweets
22 Sep
Periodic reminder that in Malaysia, where ian miles cheung lives and has never left, 200 grams of marijuana gets the death penalty.

He would be executed for having this much marijuana on him. Caned for having less. Image
Non-muslims in Malaysia, where ian miles cheung lives and has never left, are legally prohibited from using many words such as "Allah" or "Imam" or "al Quran" Image
Pornography is illegal in Malaysia, where ian miles cheung lives and has never left.

He'd be sentenced to 10 years in prison for having ted cruz's lesbian porn on his computer

Lesbians are also illegal in Malaysia. It'd be a double-crime. Image
Read 4 tweets
21 Sep
Suppose about half the time you open a closed door, it leads to a brightly lit office room.

Desks, desk decorations, coffee mugs, printers, people. People sitting at their desks, barely noticing you.

You have to walk through the room, through another door, into a similar room
After a few minutes, you always manage to find a door leading to the other side of the door you'd first opened.
You're used to it. It's not that much of an inconvenience, it's perfectly normal.

Half the time you need to go to the bathroom, you spend a few minutes wandering some offices. It's perfectly normal.
Read 5 tweets
19 Sep
You know, it'd be interesting to see rbg's medical history, and how much it would've cost a normal person without literally an entire government working to keep them alive for their life term.

SCOTUS has to get the best medical care in the country, better than the president.
Like: how much do you think it cost for her terminal pancreatic cancer to take 11 years to kill her? $600 million?
It's entirely reasonable to assume an actual billion dollars worth of medical care went toward her in the last decade.
Read 5 tweets
19 Sep
Idea: lock someone in a room with a phone and a charger

They can tweet freely, though not knowing where they are means that it's unlikely to help.

Each fav gives them food, each retweet gets them water.
How long do they survive in that room?
Assume the phone is nice, the internet strong, they can watch and read anything they want, post wherever they want, put up a youtube channel, fall in love over facetime, whatever.

They are only *physically* restrained from leaving the room.
Read 4 tweets
19 Sep
Imagine your house is on fire and the most effective thing you can think of doing is to take a shower

That's liberals
Get it, confusing your own comfort with the structural integrity of the whole fucking thing you're standing inside

It's a good metaphor
Confusing your very brief, temporary comfort, imminently to be replaced by excruciating agony, for stability and safety

It's a very good metaphor
Read 5 tweets
18 Sep
Urban folk horror novel that takes place in a large diverse US city.

As usual, each group of people brought along their gods and fairies and boogeymen and demons.

The city's magical underworld was going along normally, until

2020.
Clearly, they realize, the humans above have lost their fucking minds.

More importantly: they're also killing off the lifeblood of the magical underworld. Gleefully.
Soon, the magical underworld, just as diverse and full of dramas as the city above, is forced to act.
Read 5 tweets
18 Sep
You know about monothematic delusions.

Consider the idea of monothematic personalities: people for whom one subject has become their whole personality. Terves, the boomer death cult, etc
We've all met someone whose entire personality could be compressed into a word or short phrase, who turn every attempt at interaction toward their monotheme.
And somehow, that monotheme lets you know everything about them. You already know their opinion about fracking, or Jewish people, or the weather
Read 9 tweets
17 Sep
An interesting thing about intrusive thoughts is that they seem to be a human universal. 2% of every population studied reports having them.

They occur even in the absence of any other OCD symptoms
They are highly correlated with OCD, depression, PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, etc, but can occur in the absence of any other diagnostic criteria.
Intrusive thoughts are considered to be the *most common* form of OCD.

In other words: OCD is likely enormously underdiagnosed.
Read 10 tweets