I realise I'm Old Man Shouts At Cloud here, but I can't get along with 'assists' being listed under the scorers on the BBC. Yes, OBVIOUSLY somebody passed to them (unless it was a mad solo effort). That's a footballer's JOB. And someone probably passed to them. Where does it end? Goals, substitutions, and yellow and red cards. That should be it, at the top of match reports. Anything else, you should have to WATCH the bloody thing. (Or read about it, at least.)

1-0
Neal (pen), 44

Tried to download the @NHSCOVID19app on my phone, an iPhone 6. Won't work. "This application requires iOS 13.5 or later." So, only people with phones less than three years old can use it. This is what the Tories call a "world-beating" system. Well done, @MattHancock, you genius. What the Reply Guys dimwittedly fail (or pigheadedly refuse) to understand is that the NHS app isn't a luxury, like a new game or something, that people should just pay extra for if they want it. I don't 'want' it. It's something you SHOULD download and install out of civic duty.

I've been meaning to make a playlist of TELEPHONE SONGS for years, and here it is. Phone songs fascinate me.

It's not comprehensive or complete. I'm slightly open to suggestions, but they need to clear the bar of me actually liking them.

Anyway, enjoy.

open.spotify.com/playlist/6i7SC… Annoying that the proper version of "Ansaphone" by Pulp isn't on Spotify, by the way. Only a demo.

None of this generation of Bulgarians is at a big club outside Bulgaria, which is unusual. There's no Stoichkov or Berbatov. Hard to know what to make of that. It should mean they're weak. And we are ranked 26 places higher. But they might have surprises lurking. #WALBUL #CYMBUL 'DIOLCH TO ALL KEY WORKERS' - massive banner in the stands. Why switch languages after the first word? Bit weird. #WALBUL #CYMBUL

Shit band. Shit singer. Shit opinions.

https://twitter.com/ianbrown/status/1302252429191401473

Reminder that Ian Brown has always been a complete bell-end.

Come on, the Wales, against Finland in the confusing friendly-not-friendly Nations League thing!

If we win, I am blatantly going to mention The Rasmus.

#FINWAL #SUOCYM Daniel James was well Scrappy Doo when the handbags kicked off just then. "Puddemup! Let me at 'em!" but stepping aside for the Bigger Boys to sort it out.

#FINWAL #SUOCYM

A monster Spotify playlist (approx 24 hours! 391 songs!) to celebrate @staybeautifulUK, the glam/punk/trash/queer/alternative club I ran in London & Brighton 2001-16, home to a genuine underground subculture. Hit shuffle to relive those crazy nights... open.spotify.com/playlist/1PIrW… By the way, here - in several tweets - are the tracks Spotify doesn't have, but I really wanted to include...

Paul St Paul And The Apostles – Let's Pretend We're Gay
Marilyn Manson – This Is The New Shit (Goldfrapp remix)
Shudder To Think – The Ballad Of Maxwell Demon

You've all seen that famous analysis of Ice Cube's "It Was A Good Day", which figures out exactly which day it took place.

During lockdown, one insomniac night, I applied the same process to Saint Etienne's "Mario's Cafe".

Lyrics: genius.com/Saint-etienne-…

My findings follow... First of all, the Saint Etienne album So Tough, on which "Mario's Cafe" appears, was completed in November 1992, so that's the very latest cut-off.

But work on the album began in June 1992, so it's fair to assume that the songs were written by then.

So, there's one parameter.

Word has been slowly breaking that Dele Fadele, the legendary NME writer, passed away two years ago. He was one of a few NME writers with whom I felt a kindred connection despite the rivalry. He always ripped the piss out of me, but affectionately, I thought. (1/4) He was an immovable fixture on the London scene. If I didn't see Dele at gigs or the pub, I would see him grazing the racks of the Record & Tape Exchange. The sign of someone who genuinely loved music and wasn't just doing this as a stepping stone to a media career. (2/4)

If you want to witness the rare intersection of grass roots football with European competition, in fog so thick you can't see the far side, with commentary in Faroese, then NSI Runavik v @BarryTownUnited is underway, live on Facebook.

#UEL @EuropaLeague

facebook.com/watch/live/?v=… Barry Town in red, by the way.

Urgent recommendation of a book from 121 years ago: Heart Of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, which I've finally got round to. Gorgeously written. 1899, on the cusp of modernity, pushing things forward. Caution: uses the N-word (albeit in reported speech). It's free via @gutenberg_org. The first bit, before he even gets into the main narrative, is like a Turner painting.

The worst people on Twitter this weekend = blokes who had never heard of Edward Colston 48 hours ago but now think it's vitally important that Bristol should have a statue of him. By the way, Liverpool has dealt with this sort of thing really well. There's a whole Museum Of Slavery, which is incredibly moving and brings the sheer scale of the trade home to you. Among other things, it shows how many famous Liverpool streets were named after slave traders.

Very sad to hear that Steve Priest of (The) Sweet has passed away. Genuinely one of my all-time pop heroes. Embodied the essence of Glam: effeminate, but menacing. The original Stormtrooper In Drag.

And had possibly the best title of any autobiography ever: Are You Ready, Steve? Well, that's tonight's listening sorted.

Excellent idea: let's get Super Furry Animals @superfurry "The Man Don't Give A F***" to No.1.

iTunes: music.apple.com/gb/album/the-m…

Google Play: play.google.com/store/music/al…

Amazon: amazon.co.uk/Changed-Way-Yo…

Spotify: open.spotify.com/album/1x6JiZdZ…

#SFAOK #CumGate

https://twitter.com/charb75/status/1264867455442325507

The @NME reports on the viral campaign to get @superfurry "The Man Don't Give A F***" into the charts.

nme.com/news/music/sup…

Colour By Numbers is one of the albums that made me.

Never gets the credit that other more allegedly credible bands and albums get, but it's a total masterpiece.

Now listening to "Black Money". Still stunning after 37 years.

@BoyGeorge @mrstevelevine #timstwitterlisteningparty Oh my god, "That's The Way (I'm Only Trying To Help You)". New Pop Gospel. Almost too good for us. We didn't deserve it. #timstwitterlisteningparty

"People said we were being blasphemous to the rock cause..."

The Strange World Of... SPARKS

@theQuietus asked me to choose ten ways into the mighty @sparksofficial body of work. I asked Ron & Russell Mael to talk me through them.

Read the results here:

thequietus.com/articles/28269… Related to which, I absolutely CANNOT WAIT to see the @edgarwright documentary about the Maels.

A quick point about Keir Starmer.

It's possible to hold two thoughts in your head at the same time:

1) Jeremy Corbyn was treated appallingly by the media and never received the credit he deserved.
2) It's good that our new leader is getting positive reviews.

No conflict there. The anti-Starmer argument I hear most often is "If the Centrists/MSM/Establishment like him, he must be doing something wrong."

But a) that's a fallacy, and b) Centrists etc aren't getting the man they think they're getting.

"After this, we can't go back to business as usual."

Little Richard was the firecracker who set it all off. Right there at rock'n'roll's Big Bang, this ungovernable force transcending race, gender and sexuality. Literally a screaming queen. I met him once and it was like touching the hand of God. We owe him everything. RIP (it up). With no Little Richard you don't get Hendrix, Iggy, Bowie, Bolan, Prince and so many others, right up to Janelle. I honestly think he's that important. Just immeasurably influential. The actual greatest.

I used to block very rarely on here. Maybe twice a year. Now it's several times a week. Dunno if it's because there are more dicks than there used to be, or I've just lost patience with dicks, but either way, blocking has vastly improved my Twitter experience. Dick? Blocked. Bye! People will say I'll end up living in a bubble, but that's a price I'm willing to pay. There's nothing so satisfying as going "You know what? Fuck this. BLOCK. Off you fuck. You don't exist any more." It greatly adds to the serenity and tranquility of online life.

Disappearing down an Impressions rabbit hole led me to "Can't Satisfy" (for which they were sued by Motown for ripping off "This Old Heart Of Mine"), and it's used on THIS amazing footage of Mod kids dancing in The Plebeians club, Halifax, 1967. @elisjames - your theoretical Northern Soul girl from #thepast, who works in the market and wears fingerless gloves etc etc, is almost certainly in this clip.

“I’ll have a portion of chips please.” That’s what some people say, isn’t it? Portion! When you stop and think about it, what a completely mad word to reach for in that situation. “A portion of chips.” Lots of people saying this is regional. I don’t agree. There are some great regional terms, as I’m learning, but I reckon ‘portion’ cuts across all regions. It’s a type of person, not where they’re from.