the crying is unattractive is the lightest of stuff really

the deep, dark stuff is about how unattractive loneliness, despair, self-pity, and grasping for others are it's a cursed problem: many try to resolve it as if they were drowning, roused from their stupor when someone passes by to desperately flail, needing to hang on and be pulled up, but only dragging their victim down

when i was younger i thought gratitude was saying "thankyou" while being angry, resentful, and hurting

hell i think my idea of almost every "virtue" was perverted realizing "gratitude" is basically a synonym for happiness with just a slight inclination for how to get there is life-changing. its a somatic move not a thought.

am currently in the process of noticing to be mindful of my body sensation and therefore mindset/happiness

alexander technique thing that started to click

the gulf between word-description and actual somatic perception is obscene. insane. beyond, well, description things are bad for a serious reason. you notice buzzing and lack of sensory perception and thoughts repeating through your head and a fast heartrate

you "touch" the world sensorily and suddenly the experience flips and things are good now

this is dark, dark magic