Freddy decided today should be a pant free day. Why should his balls be constrained ? By cotton or indeed society itself?

He was a strong independent millennial man and everyone should know it.

‘Mum’ he shouted ‘Have you ironed my shirt?’ Matt was nervous about the date. Should he shave his pubes in case they had sex? He couldn’t bear for her to see the current situation - escargot surrounded by salt & pepper floccus. Why did he hate himself so much? Maybe he should cancel. He loaded GTA & let out a long fart. Yep

Gripping the beef joint sensuously he pushed it through the slicer, sweat dancing on his brow. He tucked a stray hair under his fishnet trilby. Slaggy little meat merchant. She decided to hump him in the cold storage which after 5 minutes with her would be HOT HOT HOT storage His grey trousers were so tight they were borderline sterilising. No way a cheeky little vine tomato wasn’t being squished. He knew what he was doing when he chose those big dick pants

“Tickets please” he said flirtatiously. His name tag said ‘Harold’

The game was a fuck

She had a hankering for cock and a hungry crotch. She mentally scrolled through her options. Matt would want to hang out after & talk about his divorce. Maybe Liam? He had undulating muscular thighs and low Neanderthal brow but he also had Smash Mouth and Maroon 5 on his playlist ‘Wear something sexier tomorrow’ she said. Maintaining eye contact she played with an newtons cradle executive toy on her desk. She grabbed the balls with her gloved hand. “Brad, before you go, how many of these do you think I could fit in my mouth?” He was visibly trembling

Found this in my notes from 2018

In the future they will look back at homosapiens and say they were weird...

They tapped at electric bricks & got angry or sad depending on what the brick said. Every morning they got into metal tubes that smelt of despair, dissonance and farts Farts were something the body used to produce, before we evolved into inserting then ejecting a pellet. They would get in the smelly metal fart tube to go to something called a job. A job would give you money so you could pay for things

Me writing about men like bad male authors write about women

‘He charged into the room, pert testicles bouncing gaily. I saw a scar & wondered if he’d had a vasectomy. He opened his plump lips, full of promise but annoying words came out...something about a football match’ His penis looked sad, like it knew it’s best days were behind it. He was 30 long past his sexual peak. A 4 pack left , the memory of 6 pack. I imagined lonely days doing tricep dips in his flat share. This was a one time thing, not boyfriend material . I would hit this & quit

A thread of harassment in several parts

1AM Northern Line

Having finished my late night shows I get on the train at Leicester Sq as do 2 young women in their early 20’s . Following them on is a drunk man not wearing a coat about 6ft & talking at them. They are nervously responding , politely , in that way that women do when they want to make a situation ok. He starts saying ‘come back to mine I have a garden and a roof terrace’ at this point he is stood up. The girls clock me & I monitor the situation.

WOMEN IN COMEDY a thread

We are just trying to exist and tell our stories in a framework that punishes us for our femininity and also punishes us for not conforming to it. We are told our stories don’t matter, our careers don’t matter in comparison to men We are reviewed with contemptible conscious and unconscious bias. We are trolled by those reviewers under the guise of news, even when one of us is murdered. When a female comic does something well we are told that they are the best female at it and all others should be like that