Thread by @UncleMthwithi

#NdebeleTwitter herewith #UmnxebaWodumo Episode 6

My Gwanda Experience

So I get a call that my cousin Spiro has died. Ngisegoli. Quickly I go to PowerHouse & gada okungamabhasi kwenu okutshiphileyo. Kuthwele ama Border Jumper lama dealer wodwa. Plus ku overloaded

2. Every Roadblock kuyamiswa. Sikhupha ama R20. Kuyafa. Impahla sihamba siyethula. Ogogo beMasvingo abadla wayawaya bahamba becela irecess every 20Km. 2 days sisendleleni. Kwafela eGwanda okuyibhasi. I get a call to sleepover in Gwanda bazangithatha ekuseni sesisiyangcwaba

3. Mina swi. Yehliyani straight to Gwanda hotel. Kuthwe fully booked. Next option ko Growly (Wakanda name be this) Again fully booked. Ngibhode wonke fully booked. I go and kwejisa eRiver Dance (another weird name for a club). Ziyawa kodwa shame

4. I make a friend and tell him of my predicament. The guy says "kule 3 star Lodge ngale kwesporo" Sihambe sonke. Angiqhube emnyameni. Sitsholobele Jo til I thought le yinkunzi stret. Sichaphe isporo sithutshele egedini angani ngelesilugu senkukhu. Kumnyama tshu. Sesifikile

5. Ubhururu ngimnike 50Rand for escorting me. Ngibhode. I knock. Guy opens. Says sebelele but I can book a room. I pay & get led to some dingy mhome kaSathane-like room. Ungathi yispeya samadonki shame. I ask for pillows and pay R20 for them. Imagine.

6. Ngingalala? Asiwuwu Mdala. Ngomajazi. Ngapha yimiyane engangeJuba. Yileyana emnyama. Ibosso. Ikuntsenya ubhense. Ungathi ilamazinyo. Ngaqakeza ngaze ngaqakeza ngapha ngibhulana lamaWuwu. Knock emnyango. Ngisukume ngivule. Ngithi bazongipha iDoom yemiyane

7. Ngqwaaa loScary Sherry emnyango. It's a lady of the night. Awu Thixo onofefe ngibonani? Isibhuda besibhadwa Jo. Sesiwome qha. Angazamula lumama singacracker. Ilipstick siwomile emlonyeni ungathi ubethontiselwa ikhandlela. Its all colors efesini ungathi yicircus clown.

8. Ama eyebrows umuntu ungathi ubedwetshwa ngoGrade 1. Ngapha ngihamba ngepatapata. Inyawo zigwcele ikwande elizacutha liqede du iCarpet. Zimhlophe nke. Clearly she walked from whichever mlindi wesambane she came from

9. Problem manje yikuthi she has a great body and all the curves endaweni eziyizo. Not that I care. I just need someone to help me kill mosquitoes and ama wuwu. I pay her and explain her job description

10. Sibhizi sitshaya ama wuwu and my mind is racing. What if? But naah leyinkukhu makhaya for me. Umqunywa. Ukhekhere! Imali yami ke? In any case, am tired, ngifelwe and I need comfort. Ngaqunga isibindi. Ngacela imasaji

11. Massage yakhona Jo! You would swear ukuthi umuntu unwaya izibunu ezilumayo. Rwe rwe rwe. Kwangigebha okumuntu. Mina no lets kiss. Yes bhebhi. Nge accent yeSezhube sibili. Kwangihotsha okumuntu ungathi kuhotsha umnkantsho ethanjeni kwangixhanxatha ngaphosa ngafeyinta

12. Mina no wothi ngihle ngisebenzise imali yami. Ohoooo gxumu eNgoz' Mine. Lixhaphozi ungathi bekugida amaNigerian. Sengiyathe twalatsa ndombolo kwasa. Lutho. Ngidlala ngesikhathi. Xho xho xho ngathi sipheka umfushwa ongelamafutha

13. Athi wothi ngizigadele. Finally game is on. Lami sengingathi present nxakumakwa iregister. After a while yehliyani umoya. Ngisathi ngiyafika eSodoma ngizwe ngaa ngezinyo umunwe. Ngapha umuntu is vibrating ngathi utshaywa yi epileptic attack

14. Ngithi ngiyavuka ngithole inkalakatha yesihlam* esiswini. Yisihlahla Mdala. Ngahle ngavuka ngagqoka. Ngaphuma ngayalinda imota yemfeni eEngine Garage

15. Emfeni ngangikhala ngifeyinta besithi yimfa kanti yi trauma lomunwe uyavutha. IGwanda angiqumi. Ngiyayihlonipha. END

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