People think dolphins are friendly because they look like they're smiling, but they're actually some of the most vile, despicable, godless beasts in nature.
Imagine the goblins from Goblin Slayer, except they're six to twelve feet long and live in the water. That's a dolphin.
Hitler was a dolphin which, by some cosmic disaster, was accidentally reincarnated as a human and given power over a nation.
The word "dolphin" comes from ancient Mesopotamian "du'a l'pun", meaning "cruelty without legs". They built ziggurats so their temples would be as high above sea level as possible so as to not be tainted by proximity to such unholy abominations.
A dolphin has no reflection in a pure silver mirror because its image is offensive to God.
Dolphins were once these loathsome land-dwelling monsters. God told Noah to leave them off the ark, but then Satan granted them the ability to survive in the ocean as an insult to God, and now all dolphins are indebted to the Devil and do his bidding, and they enjoy it.
Dolphins defile the corpses of their victims so brutally that their souls become unable to enter the afterlife, and are doomed to roam the Earth as enraged ghosts whose memories are a chaotic patchwork of jumbled images of the moment they were killed by the jaws of a dolphin.
Dolphins enjoy pain. That's why they sin so much. They crave the fires of Hell and the orgasmic agony of perdition.
Any living thing a dolphin swallows without chewing will not die in its gut, but will instead have its nervous system grafted with that of the dolphin, effectively merging their minds and souls. Thus, their victim will share the sins of the dolphin and be damned with it.
While God was sculpting Adam out of clay, Lucifer was sculpting the first dolphin out of the solid waste of angels collected from the sewers of Heaven. But unable to create a soul for it, Lucifer had to steal one and horribly disfigure it to fit his creation.
Several world governments have secret plans to mercy kill the entire human species should dolphins ever regain the ability to walk on land.
The ancient Greeks believed the souls of the dead needed to pay Charon to ferry them across the river Styx because they couldn't simply swim across since it was full of dolphins.
Dolphins reproduce by mitosis, like bacteria.
A googolplex years from now, long after the heat death of the universe, random quantum fluctuations will spontaneously give rise to a Boltzmann brain which will immediately be devoured by a dolphin.
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