Paris St Germain is a toxic snake pit at the best of times, but the scandal tearing their women's team apart is truly insane.
From assaults by masked men to flings with French legends, The Hamraoui Affair has it all.
Welcome to French football's latest sordid saga...
Our story begins in the summer of 2021, when PSG sign French midfielder Kheira Hamraoui from Barcelona.
She's reunited with her friend and former teammate Aminata Diallo, who she holidayed with in Dubai the year before.
But the #goodvibes don't last long.
When Hamraoui walks straight into the starting line up, taking Diallo's central midfield slot, rumours circulate of infighting in the squad.
Diallo texts a friend to say she wishes her teammates "all pain", and police later find evidence of her "deep jealousy" of Hamraoui.
In an bid to rekindle team harmony, PSG arrange a meal at Le Chalet des Îles, an elegant lakeside eatery in Paris' Bois de Boulogne.
Over dinner, it emerges several players have received anonymous calls from a man warning them Hamraoui is "toxic" and to keep their distance.
After the meal, Diallo offers Hamraoui and defender Sakina Karchaoui a lift home.
They have they just dropped Karchaoui off when two masked men appear, drag Hamraoui from the car and set on her with iron bars.
“I saw that he was targeting my legs" she later recalled.
Mysteriously, they also scream "you touch married men" as they beat her.
Hamraoui is adamant that somebody from the club is involved, naming the husband of another PSG teammate as a potential suspect.
While recovering from deep gashes to her legs, she's forced to miss training and a crunch Champions League tie against Real Madrid.
In her absence, Aminata Diallo slots into midfield, and turns in a star performance as PSG win 4-0.
But at 6am the next morning, Diallo is woken by loud banging at the door of her apartment. It's the police.
The heavy-handed gendarmes arrest her on suspicion of orchestrating the attack and drag her away in cuffs.
It turns out police had already bugged Diallo's phone because of her links to a man suspected of extortion.
In the days before the attack, they'd caught her googling 'dangerous drug cocktail' and 'how to break a kneecap'.
Diallo spends the night behind bars, but denies all charges and is released from custody.
Then, investigators drop another bombshell.
The SIM card in Hamraoui's phone is mysteriously registered to legendary French left back Eric Abidal, now sporting director at Barcelona.
Days later, Abidal admits to having an affair with Hamraoui, who he met while she was playing for Barcelona.
He pleads his wife for forgiveness on Instagram, but it falls on deaf ears and she files for divorce.
Meanwhile, still shaken by her night behind bars, Diallo returns to PSG training.
But things have turned ugly.
Fuming at Hamraoui's seemingly false accusations against Diallo and a teammate's husband, several players ask for their lockers to be moved away from hers.
When Hamraoui is called up for France and Aminata Diallo isn't, two teammates celebrate a goal by making an 'A' for Aminata.
And it seems all of Paris is against her when PSG Ultras unfurl a banner backing Diallo.
The club call a crisis meeting, but bigger problems are looming.
PSG Women's manager is fired after accusations of inappropriate behaviour and arse grabbing.
He is accused of telling one player, “You want to be spanked, you want that, right? You want to be spanked. I will spank you!"
He denies the allegations and no charges are brought.
With the team wracked by infighting, they lose the Division 1 title to Lyon by 11 points.
Then, in September, Versailles police announce a major breakthrough.
They arrest Diallo again, along with two men who say they carried out the attack under her orders.
After 5 days of interrogation, loose-lipped detectives let slip a new theory: Diallo has split personality disorder.
They say wiretaps caught her speaking in a deep voice, referring to herself as a man called Bilal.
Diallo insists Bilal is a friend, and it was him on the phone.
After retrieving their dossier of evidence from the back of a cab, detectives officially charge Diallo, promising French football's most scandalous court case in at least 6 months.
In the meantime, she's out on bail and has signed for Spanish side Levante.
On a short term deal.
We can't promise masked hitmen and Eric Abidal with his trousers down, but you can follow all the inevitable twists in this story in our free weekly email.
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