Thread by @tomiahonen

My Dearest Vladimir

How's your war going in Ukraine? Did I see you indicted by some international court? Isn't that going to limit your travel?

I'm miserable. That Manhattan DA is going to arrest me on Tuesday.

I miss hearing your voice. Couldn't you just call me, just for a

My Sweetest Trumpy-Pumpkin

Daddy's a bit busy with this war in Ukraine. My incompetent army is just fucking losing & goddamned retreating all the time. And now Poland & Slovakia are sending fighter jets to Ukraine. Mig 29s. Planes that were made here in Russia! That is so unfair

Dearest Chairman Kim Jong-Un

I noticed you fired up some rockets again. Were you selling some missiles to Russia? Did you talk to Vladimir Putin? Did he say anything about me? He isn't returning my calls

How I miss the gentle touch of your big hand in mine when we had our walks

Yo, Dotard

Damn, man! What part of "we're over" don't you get? I dumped you 3 years ago! Your letters are pathetic. Grow up, man

If you're lonely, why don't you go back to that Moscow pee tape prostitute? The one who looks like Ivanka? She's the only one who ever made you smile

My Dearest Ivanka

I'm miserable. Vladimir isn't taking my calls and Chairman Kim just sent me a mean letter. Now Chris Christie is mocking me on TV and I found out that Tucker Carlson also hates me.

Could you come cuddle with me like old times on a My Pillow, & then have Goya

Daddy,

Thank you for the wonderful invitation. I'm busy right now with my attorneys about the mess we have in New York

Couldn't you ask Rent-A-Mom to fluff up your My Pillow & do your tuckums? You can always ask Gary Busey's son to prepare some Goya? The tall freak we call Eric

My Dear Melonia

I am miserable. Now Corcoran has to go tell the Grand Jury about all of our crimes together. Putin is not returning my calls. Kim Jong Un has broken up with me. And Ivanka won't visit my bedroom

Could you come to Mar-A-Lago, for old times sakes, just this once?

Donald,

I told you not to write! I'm testifying in Manhattan against you. Why don't you ask your Playboy Bunny to service you for $130,000? Or ask that big-titted pornstar to spank you for $125,000?

Go toss some ketchup on the wall. I really don't care, do you?

PS Be Best

Dear Lindsey

I'm miserable. The media are conspiring to make me look bad. Even those traitors at Fox are reporting that I will be arrested. And I suspect Melonia is wearing a wire

If you could come to Mar-A-Lago, just for one night? I won't make you wear that gimp outfit if you

Dear Mr President

Thank you for your generous invitation. I always cherish our moments together, even the intimate ones that I can never forget. This time I'm in a little bit of a pickle with that damned Georgia DA hounding me about the subpoena. Maybe next time? Did you ask Ted

Dear Ted

I know I've said your wife is ugly but well, let's be honest. She is ugly. Still, my Melonia is not the nude model she once was, either. I think she's wearing a wire

Look I have Mar-A-Lago to myself. Would you mind? Just 1 more time. Lindsey's gimp outfit fits you well

Donald, dude!

I love you, man! I was just about to hop on a plane to Cancun but I'll change my booking. When you're finished, we can spoon again. I'll bring your favorite book by Dr Seuss in the Rat In The Hat series. I'll read you your favorite poem: Green Eggs & #Arrestmas