Thread by @robicellis

I got a lot of very sweet messages this past weekend. The news reminded us all to reach out, but it didn't advise HOW to reach out so I figured that as someone who has lived with Bipolar 2 for 20+ years, I'd start a thread about how to reach someone living with mental illness.

This is not to say anyone did a "bad job" reaching out. It is ALWAYS good to reach out in any way. I just want to hopefully help you understand the depressed brain, because it doesn't respond in a way most non-depressed people will understand.

1: If you ask me how I am, I will ALWAYS say "I'm fine". When I'm depressed, I don't reach out, I spiral inwards. The last thing I want to do is reach out, because that means talking about my feelings, and holy fuck do those feelings hurt.

Not only that, when you're in a serious depressive spiral, your feelings of despair and self hatred are pretty much the only things you're thinking about. When you reach out, reach out with SOMETHING. A funny picture. A fun fact. Start a conversation.

You talk to me long enough, maybe I'll open up a bit. Maybe I'll say I'm in a bad place. Or maybe I won't, which is fine. What you're doing is reminding me that I'm more than a disaster as a human being. I'm someone who has, for a few moments at least, a functional brain.

Quick aside: I also had stage 4 cancer when I was 21. Pretty much across the board the last thing ANY seriously ill person wants to talk about is their health. We know you've stopped seeing us as people and only see us as a disease. Talk to us about anything but our illness.

2: When you reach out, it can be at any time, and it doesn't need to be some long, deep conversation. One of my best friends @rachelwaynberg keeps me sane by randomly texting me any dumb shit she sees that makes her think about me. And it reminds me that I'm loved.

I cannot tell you the number of times Rachel has saved my life because she sent me a picture of a dumb looking pair of shoes, or a quote from The Golden Girls. She might not know that, and that's the point. She's not there for me BECAUSE I'm depressed. She's there just because.

When Matt was in the hospital with organ failure 2 years ago, @kittenwithawhip would text me stupid jokes. @Hels and @tkretchmar sent us Mad Libs and Legos to play with in the hospital. They kept me away from the edge without "deep, serious talks". I just wasn't alone.

Text me on a Tuesday morning with a stupid picture of a dog. Just keep me tethered to the earth with anything BUT my depression, because I am more than that. I am a human first and foremost, even when I'm being a shitty one.

3: Take me out and don't ask me what I want to do. I will never settle on a place, and I will always find a way to cancel. Create impromptu moments where we see some sort of beauty, like a walk in the park or a trip to the museum. More than drinks or coffee.

Take me to a place where I DO NOT have to talk about my depression. I may open up, but if I don't that's fine. What you're doing is reminding me there's a life to be lived, and people who want to live it with me.

4: Ask very little of me at first, but then try to give me some sort of project that will keep my mind off of things. Maybe take me out to a free class, or learn a new hobby with me. Come over with a bag of yarn and say "We're going to learn to knit" or some shit.

If we can do it together that's even better, because I'll stick with it. Giving me something to focus on means I'm spending less time staring into the dark abyss that lives inside of me.

5, which is somewhat related to 4: Talk me into adopting a cat. This one sounds nuts, but I swear to God this has saved both me and my husband from suicide on separate occasions. (Depressed people like marrying their own kind- more on this later)

When you're at your worst all you feel is hatred. When you get a cat you have something to love, AND it's something that loves you unconditionally, no matter what. Why not a dog? Because dogs need more care, and that's hard when you can barely care for yourself.

And if you can't get me to adopt a cat, take me to a shelter every so often to volunteer. It's been scientifically proven that cats help reduce the feelings of stress and depression, and dogs, well, they're dogs. They make everything better.

6: Very often, at least in my case, people with mental health problems marry other people with the same problems, because of someone really understands the darkness, you know they really love you.

When you are the person dealing with a depressed partner, you need EXTRA help because you're fighting so hard to keep slipping yourself. You know how bad it hurts to see the person you love more than anything in the world say they hate themselves?

As much as I hate myself sometimes, nothing hurts more than watching Matt feel that darkness, knowing that I need to be strong to try and save him. So don't just be there for the sick person. Be there for their partner/spouse, too. Ask THEM what they need.

Caring for a depressed person takes a team, and their partner/spouse is the team leader. They'll tell you what backup they need. But while they're giving orders, remember they need to be cared for, too, so they don't give in themselves.

7: Sharing that suicide number isn't doing much for me, because I'm not going to call. I don't want to be talked out of killing myself. I'm sorry if that's blunt and harsh, but it's true. Reposting that number isn't enough. You need to use it as a resource while helping out.

You may need to be the one to research treatment options, or to find a therapist. You may very well need to pick me up and drive me there. You will need to research medications and treatments and talk about them like they're no big deal.

IN ADDITION: We need to STOP stigmatizing mental hospitals, psych ERs, and treatments like electroconvulsive therapy, or ECT. These are all very important things that have been used as horror tropes in the movies and that shit needs to stop. People are avoiding help bc of it.

Going to a hospital for a few days means you'll have 24 hour access to a doctor so they can find a treatment and medication plan that's right for you. It's like a therapy crash course. It takes a long time to figure out the right meds, so this is a great option to fasttrack it.

If you're dealing with someone with addiction, AA isn't for everyone (it wasn't for me). There's a ton of different paths to sobriety out there. Make a list and try them all out. Press for feedback, discuss options. DO NOT give up on the person until they find a place they fit.

8: Send gifts! Doesn’t need to be fancy, and doesn’t need to take up space. Send a few bucks on a Starbucks card, or order Grubhub. Send something silly like balloons or a singing telegram. Send a birthday cake even if it’s not their birthday. Don’t send flowers- they die.

Might sound dumb, but I can't tell you how many times I've cried because I've killed flowers. They make me feel like I destroy everything I touch. Know a great gift I got once? Matt knows this about me, so he drew me a picture of flowers. It was incredible.

Not the artwork- the artwork was terrible. He can't draw for shit. But he drew me a picture because he loved me and oh my God did that feel amazing. Do that for someone. Send letters the old fashioned way. You can hold onto letters.

8 (relates to earlier entries): take me to the zoo. If you can afford it, buy me a membership to the zoo. NO ONE can be sad when they're looking at monkeys or petting a goat.

Wait, that was 9. NINE: TAKE ME OUT TO PET GOATS.

And finally, at least for now, ten: Don't just reach out to me when a celebrity dies, or when the internet decides it's time to talk about mental health. Don't only reach out when I drop hints I'm depressed, because I might not do that. Reach out to me on a Tuesday for no reason

Being bipolar doesn't mean I'm unpredictable or crazy. It means sometimes I feel normal, or if I'm manic, I feel better than normal. And it means sometimes I feel really, really, really fucking sad. Sometimes it's a week. Sometimes it's six months. I never know.

One thing is for sure, though: You will NOT know. I will do everything in my power to make you think I'm fine. I'm not fine. I'm also a proud person and I don't want your pity because I'm sick. I want you to be my friend.

There's a lot more, but I can't think of them all right now. I'll tweet them whenever I think of them. In the meantime my 250g of Lamictal, 20g of Lexapro, 30mg of Adderall XR and I thank you for listening. Please don't give up on us broken people. We need you.

I remembered another important thing I need to add onto this list! Btw, if you have any suggestions please send them my way and I’ll tack them on.

11: do not be a person who gossips about other people, and DO NOT spend your time with a depressed person talking shit about others. We’re in a constant state of feeling like everyone secretly hates us. Don’t give us a reason to think you’re talking about us, too.

Things you can talk about besides other people: LITERALLY ANYTHING. There’s so much amazing, positive shit in the universe to talk about right now! Go to Wikipedia or Mental Floss or something and pick something to discuss and learn about together. Be better, not bitchier.