Thread by @ItsUncleStephen

I have tried and still, I don't get Horror movies. Everytime I watch one, several questions, especially about the behaviour of the actors, confuses my mind, and I'm like guy! seriously, why?!

Let's consider some Why's in this horror #GuidesByStevhoe

Brethren,
Issa thread

Q1. WHY WILL I GO FOR A PARTY INSIDE HOUSE THAT'S INSIDE BUSH?

As a naija guy, I've weighed this scenario in my head several times. I don't know the thing, the reason, that'll be good enough to convince me, to go for a party overnight, in a house deep deep inside bush.

Why?

Azzin if we go to a normal club the party won't be sweet? Won't babes still grind me like fresh tomato as if to transform my nether regions into Purèe?

I've seen it happen many times in horror movies, this inside bush party thing, that I've imagined if my friend suggests such.

(Door bell rings, I open front door)
Progress: Stevhoe! Stevo(IV)PartyOxide!!! Stevopaparampam!
Baba! One of my Uncle get one nice house for inside inside bush for Ogbomosho. I don arrange chicks, drink go be Catholic, make we go flex.

Baba!! E go maaaaaaaad!!

Me:

I know myself. In my mind I'll come to the conclusion that this said friend, must be a fool, that type that says there's no God. Looking at his face, it'll be changing. Half Kanayo, Half Chinwetalu Agu. House inside bush no be babalawo house? No be only e go mad. Na mad over you.

One of my Colleagues has tried something risky like this before. He invited us for his grandfather's grandmother or whatever's final burial inside one deep village in osun.

Somehow we left lagos by 5pm. Baba said it's just 3 hours drive

11 minutes to eleven pm we still dey road

00:15am, we never still reach. To worsen things, baba's motor was now having whooping cough. Doing like it wants to spoil, inside bush for Osun.

To kill me more, baba no even sure say we dey the right track. And network no even dey.

I'm like ah!!! Inside life! Na so i use go?

Stevhoe, killed in the movie Osun murders Part Nonsense. Kai i don see this kind feem before o.

Baba even come down from motor, dey do one kind. Complaining of headache, back pain and others.

I'm like ah! I know this part. This guy wants to change to something.

Is this Adieu?

In my mind, I started reviewing everything I knew about that my guy, checking for any witch tendencies I may have missed in the past.

Ah! Na true o! I don see some kind neon feather for him bathroom before.

Ahhhhhhh!!!!

This guy na bird... Winsh bird

Alas, I was worried for nothing.. Cos vehicle started and we got to his village by 2.50pm.

Still on still Sis, I keep my guard up. Ain't gonna end up like those oyibos, hacked to death in movies.

Not me Sir.

#GuidesByStevhoe

Q2. WHY GO TOWARDS THE WEIRD SOUND??

This is another thing I don't get. You're in your house, in your bed, and you hear some weird sounds. I don't know if they can hear the soundtrack in the movie but you know deep within you something ain't right.

What do these MF's do?

They'll leave their bed, wear robe, carry torch and go and be finding the source of the fshfshfsh sound. They'll even be asking, who's there? Come ouuuuut? I can seee you? I'll call the cops?

They'll even see blood coming from beneath a locked door and what'd they do? Open it

One ex has woken me up in the dead of the night, whispering like "Baby. I heard a sound outside the house"

Me sef whisper back "Adult. I dinnot hear anything" abeg try sleep biko make thunder no fire you.

Stevhoe not Enrique Iglesias. I can't be your hero baby abeg

There was a time, a cat, every 2am will come near my window and start meowing.

**These village people sef**

Madam will be like. Honey can you hear that?

Me? Deaf and dumb? I even begin doing sign language sef.

Na me go hear cat wen my village people don send?

You must be joking ma. Very funny girl. Alimama the comedian.

Babe will still be insisting "My hero! Go and chase it away"

Something I've seen before in horror movie. Cat changed to something, killed the guy and spared the girlfriend

My sister rub olive oil for ear to not hear

Q3. WHY STAND AND SCREAM WHEN YOU CAN JAPA!

You've seen this one before. The assailant has chased and caught the guy. And instead, charley! Instead of the other person usually the babe, to run, they're rooted there, screaming a very useless ahhhhhhh as they hack the guy

Why?

Or is the one where they after opening several doors, knowing there's a bad guy lurking around, they find the bloodied body of their colleague and rather than run away, they break down in tears, holding his body crying "Bonadventure why? Why leave me, Chinasalike this. Why?!!"

Sweet Jesus who I serve knows this isn't for me. If me and you dey run and dem catch you, baba adieu o plis.

I'll ensure i cry profusely, with gnashing of teeth at your burial, whilst drinking a cold guiness and tearing into your funeral turkey salted with my tears of course

Like I only need to hear you my friend scream from another room, i don move to the opposite direction sir. Like the night in Osun if something come out I'll start shouting? Daz not how stars do. Starz internal Google map will pilot their fleet foot to Lagos please.

All man gotta answer their respective surnames, even worse your surname is A mine is Y, it's not even close. I'll be sure to maintain similar distance as i run. No looking back o, I'll be remembering lots wife

After all if thief marry ashewo born winsh who go dey house for night

There are so many questionable behaviours in horror movies. Like they take you to a house and claim its haunted and you'll still carry your money and pay cos " hmmmm what a rich history it has"

Me? E no go better for history mama and Economics papa. What rubbish

House Agent in Abeokuta during Nysc took me to one old flat like that with a vulture perched on the fence like "ok bros na you we go chop next? See your skin. You go too sweet."

I asked baba agent and he told me the vulture was regular on the fence, say nothing

Me: eeeeeen?

When I had successfully extracted myself from the shrine in disguise, baba agent asked me "corper atink kpe you'll safe my number sha"

Me? Of course I'll save it.

**add new contact**
Enemy of Progress

I'll just never get horror movies. People in it mostly deserve what comes to them. So guys, share with me, what else happens in horror movies that's just crazy for you. RT this thread and reply in the comments. Thanks for reading

With Love
Uncle Stevhoe
#GuidesByStevhoe

Wanna read more hilarious #GuidesByStevhoe

Then check here of course.

https://twitter.com/ItsUncleStephen/status/1139822032605143040?s=09