FUTO babes?!!!!

Brethren shall we?!! I remember when we go ọta miri Bridge go rescue my cos of IMB babe..

Baba dey shout," take me take me!"

Take who werey? My friend Chop your L and drink eismann beer

I have tried and still, I don't get Horror movies. Everytime I watch one, several questions, especially about the behaviour of the actors, confuses my mind, and I'm like guy! seriously, why?!

Let's consider some Why's in this horror #GuidesByStevhoe

Brethren,
Issa thread Q1. WHY WILL I GO FOR A PARTY INSIDE HOUSE THAT'S INSIDE BUSH?

As a naija guy, I've weighed this scenario in my head several times. I don't know the thing, the reason, that'll be good enough to convince me, to go for a party overnight, in a house deep deep inside bush.

Why?

In light of the anti substance abuse project #MTNASAP for I’m part of, I’ll share a personal story.

Addiction is really easy to get into if one isn’t careful.

A THREAD Few things bring me joy like writing. Especially once I’d found my niche in humor writing.

The joy of knowing someone is having a good day because of stories I tell gives a warm,fuzzy feeling.

But for a long time I struggled. Felt like an impostor

Why?

AN MCM’s GUIDE ON HOW NOT TO HANDLE BREASTS

Brethren,
Issa thread

#GuidesByStevhoe Dear MCM, I have received messages upon messages, letters upon letters from your respective WCWs, and immediately after Dear sir, the subject of their letter, written in Red block letters is the same across board.

it reads

PLEASE SAVE OUR BREASTS.

“...Yes we love smoking weed” Progress responded before I could say a word.

I looked at him, and he at me, as if to say “baba calm down”

To cement his words, he took it, puffed and passed to me.

I took a drag and I knew, damn! Wahala have get me

Brethren,
Issa thread.. I was in Ajegunle.

I had gone to my Aunt’s place during the school holidays. Dà Chioma, my Aunt, would do you well when returning to school if you helped out at her bar.

Sometimes I was unofficial DJ, sometimes I served drinks.

I generally helped out, however I could.

Going to Lagos island market is not for the faint hearted. I must have entered almost 4000 shops today looking for a shade of burgundy material with my friend and his fiancée. Health app is saying I’ve walked just 6000 steps. Coulda sworn it’s up to 1 million.

I’m tired man. Funny all the burgundy looked the same to me and my friend but no o, for his madam, it’s either too deep, too light, or too busy( I’m like busy doing what again chineke nnam)

And boom we’re off to another shop.

And I’m like

Babies are cute,adorable and have smiles like a thousand brilliant suns lighting up our lives.They’re wonderful.

But ah! Let’s not lie to ourselves, despite, babies and little kids have wahala, sometimes cute and sometimes making you ask Lord why?

Brethren
Issa thread Some start disturbing right from the womb. They make their mothers crave all sorts of things.

I spent one holiday after schooling at my Pregnant Aunt Maggie’s house.

We all know this is important as a student if you want to ensure a fat wallet when returning to school

It always starts with a Phone call. At the right time and in the right moment.

Progress is a genius when it comes to timing.

“Stevhoe! Stevodadida! Party dey and na Unilag house party”

I couldn’t say No even though I knew there would be trouble somehow

Brethren
Issa thread I know what you’re thinking. Yes you reading this.

You’re wondering, knowing Progress’ antecedents, How then do I still answer his call to adventure

Brethren, I have concluded it’s juju. That and the fact that being a long time friend, baba knows my weak point

People read my work and while laughing they make comments like “Steve you’re crazy. I swear you don mad”

And I’ve thought about it.

Can I really be mad?

Do I have what it takes to be a good mad man? I think not.

Here’s a few reasons why.

Brethren,
Issa thread In the next few tweets I shall present 4 reasons why just Incase via your comments, (jokingly as they may be) village people decide to step it up a notch, having purchased new mirrors, in a bid to make me mad, it would never succeed. I lack certain qualities required to be mad.

Can a man rob God!!? Na the last thing wen comot for pastor mouth before we hear person wen shout “Everybody lie down flat” and gun wen dem cock “KpraKpa!”

Nothing wen no dey happen for Ajegunle. Na why men fit get mind rob church on wash night day.

Brethren,
Na thread o! Dem say na wen you don cross river finish you fit tell crocodile say him mouth dey smell.

Na why as the men dem wen carry gun wen no be childs dey rise like Ijebu garri from many corner of d church, all man don lie down flat wan even enter ground like seed wen dem wan plant

“Smell am!” He screamed, pressing the cold metal on my nose.

“Wetin be dis?”

“Na gun” I said, as boiling point urine dropped on my boxers.

Guns are sexy in movies when with it, the actor kills 95 bad guys. Not as much in real life, pointed at you.

Brethren
Issa thread Brethren, I live my life I no like trouble.

Yet somehow, even in the most innocuous situations, these village Chinwetalu Agu et al manage to sneak wahala into everything.

I had enjoyed four blissful months with Pamela. A very adventurous young lady, fun and crazy to be with.

What should have been an uneventful day at church, took a turn, when the pastor shouted, “Any occultic power here, I command you!Lose your hold!” and the girl beside me, my girl,fell,and started jerking violently.

Eh? What’s going on?!

Brethren
Issa thread
#TalesbytweetLight They say hindsight is 20/20. There are things that happen and give new meaning to seemingly insignificant occurrences in the past

Watching Bella or The9thprincess as was her name on SM, jerking on the floor, I wondered could it be? I Don carry winsh? Stevokingofthecoast?

Lagos is a crazy place to live. It teaches you things whether you want to learn or not. You don’t even realize, till you see your reaction in certain situations

A town rife with different kinds of people and packaging, a town we “hate” but can’t leave

Brethren
Issa thread Brethren with how long I’ve spent living in this town, till date, I cannot stop myself from reacting the way I do whenever a stranger stops me on the road like

“psst! Bros! Excuse me. Im looking for so and so street....”

Eh? You say

“...No wahala. Just Dey come” Progress said.

“I’ll be there tomorrow” I replied and ended the call.

But it was Progress. I should have known by now that somehow our combo would bring trouble.

And it did.

We got into trouble with a juju man.

Brethren
Issa thread I had always argued about juju and all these changing into animal something.

Growing up, there was a superstition that a particular black cat always meowing on the roof at night, was baba white from the next compound.

And I had my reservations

You know what’s beautiful about the first time you fall in love? The complete innocence of it all. The rush of emotions, the happiness, the seeing their face in your eba when you eat.

The first time is always wonderful, and this is a story about mine.

Brethren,
Issa thread As if being in love wasn’t enough, the object of my affection was named “Ifunanya” kee me

Till date, as is the case with love, i can’t explain exactly what about her roped me in.

I can remember how whenever the bell for break rang, immense joy filled me Cos oh here she comes

It could be filled with penises that would have birthed world changers, inventors, etc who would now never see the light of day

I answered Him pointing out where he should go. He thanked me and i was then faced with an arduous task. How do I in a public,rowdy place like Ikeja carry out like the Rotracts have, the 4 way test to ensure intactness of my Something. How do i confirm the following without looking like a pervert- Is it still there? Has it shrunk? Are the balls still complete?

Oga come down Na! come down!” The molue conductor screamed at Him angrily

“I no fit! I no fit!” he replied painfully as he struggled without success to stand up from his seat.

This wasn’t Nollywood. I was seated beside a guy glued to his seat.

Ah! Lagos!

Brethren
Issa thread “Hei! I don die! Mo ti Ku” he cried as perspiration poured unrestrained from his pores

Though it felt like a movie,like the brainchild of a good special effects guy, as I watched the Guy struggling I knew, even if a movie,this wouldn’t be one of those “To God be the glory” ones

Stirring up from sleep,I realized I was in an unfamiliar bed. When the webs of sleep cleared from my eyes and I saw where i was, I knew I had messed up.

If there’s one rule you shouldn’t break this was it.

Cut-off time 4 girls hostel was 9pm.

It was 9:42

Brethren
Issa thread My school had five hostels, containing about 300rooms, spread across three floors. Hall A and B for boys, Hall C and D for ladies, and one small PG-hostel.

They were all built like a square with an open center. Boys could visit girls and vice Versa

This be a story of the first time I entered a plane.After years of rivaling Israelites of old in the fine art that trekking is, and being a brand ambassador for all forms of road transport, I finally hit the skies.And of course it wasn’t without event.

Brethren
Issa thread I can understand why sometimes when doing something for the first time most of us instead of asking questions, prefer to wing it. Because sometimes you ask people questions and instead of saying they don’t know, they’ll form and tell you rubbish or make you feel stupid.

There’s always that one baba in your Neigbourhood who lives alone, is scary as hell and rumored to be the jagaban of wizards. The one you think of while praying “witches fall and die” at night.

As kids, inspired by our village people, we ate his chicken

Brethren
Issa thread Baba white was a feared old man. Always dressed in a red or black Jalamia, his head skinned, his eyes red and deep set.

if while playing football our ball entered his compound, brethren it was Goodbye. Because are you a fool? You want to collect it?

Today, I went to a rich people’s church and I want you to turn to your Neigbour and slap him/her if they dare say money is not good.

Being there was a lovely experience and I swear everything was different.

Brethren,
Issa short thread Where do I even start from? Is it the pastor talking small small you could almost mistake it for a whisper. A classic example of ‘akant shout pls’ not all those pastor Cletus that’ll be shouting at God as if na quarrel. My friend keep quiet