Thread by @marsupialpuddng

here’s the thing, i’m tired.

i’m tired because i spend the majority of my time masking my autistic behaviors in order to be more charismatic and fit better into society.

i do this because i spent most of my childhood feeling isolated and rejected because of these behaviors.

now that i’m an adult i have a hard time taking those masks off. partially because i spent years masking, and partially because it feels too vulnerable sometimes to just exist as i am.

i like being liked, and i don’t like feeling “jarring” to people.

but there’s this thing called autistic burnout and i’m being swallowed up by it.

i feel trapped because i don’t know how to exist socially without masking, but masking isn’t sustainable.

i’m tired, i’m tired in my bones.

it gets reinforced as well because the more “high-functioning” i seem, the more i get held to that standard.

if i have a period where i am social and high energy, suddenly people are upset when i become withdrawn and non-responsive in order to regain energy.

i spend so much time and energy just trying to ~exist~ that even simple tasks feel overwhelming.

i’m constantly juggling more than my capacity, but i don’t talk about it because i don’t want to be seen as weak.

when i first started talking about my autism, a lot of people told me that i wasn’t autistic enough, and it’s because i’ve spent my life refusing to show just how much i struggle.

i don’t want to do that anymore, the weight of it is crushing me.

i don’t have a resolution besides feeing like i finally want to share these things.

maybe so that i can be more gentle on myself, maybe so that someone else who’s hiding behind perfection can do the same.

please take care of yourself. autistic or not, acting like everything is fine so that you don’t feel weak is not strength, it’s fear. i know because i’m terrified to even post this thread right now.

i’m going to try my best to take care of myself, maybe mask a little less, and create better boundaries for myself.

if any part of this thread resonated with you, I hope you’ll join me.
(only if you want to, of course.)

💛