I have been studying the nature of criticism lately as criticism is a frequent source of anxiety for a leader....
1/
I think what I offer that is hopefully helpful and freeing for people, is I take a large sweeping concept and try to break it down into identifiable and manageable parts. So I have defined several aspects of 'anxiety' for example, so we can name the source and be free....
2/
Criticism is like that -a broad sweeping word that covers a lot of territory.
3 particularly insidious forms of criticism are: cumulative criticism, second hand criticism, 'same meeting, different experience' criticism.
I will attempt to clarify each in this thread.
Cumulative Criticism. We were probably warned in school that leaders attract criticism, but I don't think we addressed the destructive power of cumulative criticism. Either a heavy season of it, or a wider field of it - coming from a few fronts. This can take a leader out...
One helpful tool is to simply name it. If you are in a heavy season, or getting hit on several fronts, you need more 'cover.' I think it is also important, difficult, humbling and ultimately freeing to seek understanding. Are you, in fact, doing something that is generating it?
We often posture ourselves as the victim, but the criticism may actually be earned. Curiosity is a powerful tool to help diffuse it. Asking a lot of clarifying and self awareness questions of a safe person you trust can be a gift. You can diffuse criticism by saying, 'thank you.'
But sometimes, it is a series of cheap shots, uninvolved critics, broad brush statements etc. That can damage the soul. Lots of extra soul care, someone speaking into your identity and gifts, considering the source, allowing the pain to move through you...all helpful tools.
2. Second hand criticism: It is the impact on a loved one of a leader. Maybe you bring it home to a spouse, but later you resolve it. It remains unresolved for your spouse. They are still carrying the impact, second hand. You can serve your loved one by closing the loop.
"Thank you for listening to me rant. We were able to talk it through and resolve some things" is a gift to a care giver in your life who is hearing your pain fresh.
3. "Same meeting, different experience" criticism can be hard to notice. I've learned over the years that we can all be in the same room, but the 'target' of the criticism is taking it harder than others.
I have been the target, but I have also hosted a meeting where another is the target. When you are not the target, you don't feel the 'hit' of the attack like the target does.
You may need to step in front to protect the target or if you are the target you may need to help people know what you are feeling. Leaders have told me before, 'you looked fine, we didn't know you were hurting. Could you help us see it?' While I was managing being attacked.
Similarly, as a facilitator of such meetings, I have tried to keenly attune to the 'target' to help mitigate the emotional damage.
A LOT of leaders stop leading because they are no longer willing to carry the impact of criticism. Hopefully defining the source and using tools to manage it can keep us healthier, longer.
We get reactive when we don't get a false need that feels like a real need.
What do you think you need that you don't really need?
We all have dozens of false needs and when we don't wrangle our many false need, they pile up and get the better of us and wear us out.
2/
Some of my false needs: 1. I need everyone I meet to like or approve of me. 2. I need to be understood. 3. I need to make the person in front of me feel better. 4. I need to always know what to say or do in any situation. You MUST see me as a smart person.
3/
We end up getting bigger or smaller than human sized.
1/
Some of us, when we are reactive get 'bigger.' We must have the last word. We no longer listen to learn, we now listen to advise, fix, correct, or mansplain. We get aggressive, we dominate the space. Some of us literally make ourselves bigger.
2/
Some of us get smaller than human sized. We no longer feel safe to be exactly ourselves in that space. We do not speak up in the meeting, we flatter rather than tell the truth, we get quiet.
Some of course get bigger or smaller, depending on the circumstance and people.
3/
A gentle reminder that your inner critic is telling you a gospel. It just happens to be a gospel of condemnation and shame.
I fired my IC, but he kept coming to work, like Milton from Office Space. I've learned to quieten it by containing it with God's first and last word.
1/
This is slow transformation work, not one and done. I started in 2016, noting how often I called myself 'stupid' or a 'moron.
50-100 times per week. Lord have mercy.
I vowed to treat myself the way God treats me. It was harder than I thought it would be.
2/
It turns out, I believed the gospel of 'self' and inner critic over the gospel of Jesus. And it took much faith and patience to relax into the gospel of Jesus.
One of the most powerful ways to lower reactivity in you and your people is to learn to notice it.
Noticing is sort of a reactivity power tool. It builds your immunity and you're less likely to catch and spread it when you're working on noticing.
What situations or types of people tend to generate reactivity in you?
How can you put yourself in those situations this week so you can practice noticing what goes on in you?
Then, after a few reps, as you walk into those situations, how can you pause to get your noticing radar set?
I'll give an example from my own life:
1/
A surefire generator of reactivity for me is when people ask me questions and I don't know the answer. I am a recovering 'stupidholic' and when I don't know something, especially if it is within my responsibility, and someone asks, I feel exposed.
*This, of course, is a false need.*
So in elders meetings which are monthly for our church, it is common that an elder asks me about, say, the children's min budget trend from the last few years.
2/
Now that elder isn't expecting me to know it right away. He or she is very happy for me to get that info later, but in the moment, I lose all reality because reactivity puts us in a false reality.
In the moment, I HAVE to know the answer for the world to be ok.
Reactivity is CRAZY. It is always selling ARMAGEDDON in the moment. That which is crazy suddenly feels eminently reasonable.
3/