We are so quick to celebrate weight loss at any cost. But I want to talk about weight gain.
After a year+ treatment & many relapses, I’m officially pretty damn close to my pre anorexia weight.
Some people have found this disappointing; believing I’ve “let myself go.”
But every damn pound has been hard fought against my eating disorder and it’s necessary for my survival. And even more than my survival, for my ability to truly LIVE and thrive.
When someone fits the stereotype of what anorexia “should” look like, their weight gain is celebrated. Because I don’t “look” like someone who fits the stereotype of anorexia or any eating disorder, people think my weight gain is unnecessary or excessive. #edrecovery
The thing is, my body was never genetically destined to be small unless starved. When I got to what people considered an “appropriate” weight, I had all the psychological and medical manifestations of anorexia. I was suffering and being praised for it every step of the way. #haes
Weight gain sucks. I’m not going to pretend that I like any of it. Most days I have to be reminded (or more accurately, coerced) by my support system to stay the course. But I can’t maintain recovery + weight loss at the same time. My body is happiest at a higher weight.
Physical recovery is a prerequisite for psychological recovery. I need to maintain this weight and only then does my brain have a chance at recovering. It’s going to be uncomfortable and I’m working really hard to sit with that.
• • •
Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to
force a refresh
Every time I get on a plane, I feel absolutely sick to my stomach — terrified that the person sitting next to me will take a picture of me and I’ll end up being mocked on the internet.
Put your anger on the airlines for making seats smaller & smaller.
Interesting how it’s never a picture of a really tall person impeding the other person’s space.
Instead, we are supposed to be discuss whether a fat person deserves basic humanity and dignity.
If body size was a choice like so many people think it is, do you think I’d choose to have a body that is hated, mocked, and ridiculed? A body that denies me safe medical care and the ability to travel comfortably?
It’s so easy to call us lazy and undisciplined, huh?
If you need to eat this Yom Kippur because you’re in ED recovery, please know that eating is not just permissible, but a MITZVAH.
Your connection & spirituality happens through eating, not restricting. Hashem doesn’t want you to be harming yourself in the name of religion.
Obviously, please confirm with a treatment team + Rabbi who understands eating disorders and mental health. But your mental and physical health comes first. 💗
I want to clarify that this is referring to ALL eating disorders. Not just anorexia. Your mental health and recovery is a priority whether you struggle with restricting, bingeing, purging, or any other ED behaviors.
I used to be concerned that sharing my negative experiences in ED treatment would be harmful to people attempting to get help.
But no more beating around the bush. ED treatment is built for thin, rich white women and it’s a broken system that doesn’t work.
I said what I said.
I’m not trying to be an asshole but until treatment is created for ALL people in mind, more people will continue to be harmed and retraumatized in treatment.
Black people, trans people, fat people... they deserve safe care. And the current system does not provide that.
Also, OBVIOUSLY there are exceptions! Of course there are people who’ve found treatment lifesaving but overall, the system is often ineffective if not not harmful and it’s important to be talking about this.
When I was around 19 & roughly the weight I am now,I went to an endocrinologist bec my RD & I couldn’t figure out why I was my size given how I ate.
(Spoiler alert: body diversity is a thing but my ED RD wasn’t aware)
It was also the only period of recovery I’d ever experienced
TW calories
The endo forced me on the scale after I pleaded not to &then said I had 2 options.I could get WLS or I could eat less than 1k cal a day w 1 hour vigorous exercise daily.
Yes, she was aware of my ED of 10 yrs (at that pt) that I was was just starting to recover from
Imagining what it could’ve been like to have been told, your body isn’t broken, you aren’t broken. You can trust your body and it’s okay.