Beowulf: Abridged Beyond the Point of Usefulness
Prologue
Say, the Spear-Danes? Super good Danes.
And Scyld Scefing? Super awesome orphan.
Grabbed goods from others, gave them to friends.
A good boy, Beow, was born to him.
Prologue
Say, the Spear-Danes? Super good Danes.
And Scyld Scefing? Super awesome orphan.
Grabbed goods from others, gave them to friends.
A good boy, Beow, was born to him.
Beow gave out gifts, got them from his Dad,
Making best friends, fighters for the future.
Making best friends, fighters for the future.
Then Scyld died. Done death-dealing he went to God.
So they filled a boat with stuff, set Scyld inside,
Said some good speeches, sunk it undersea.
Blades, bullion, battle-gear. Best burial ever.
So they filled a boat with stuff, set Scyld inside,
Said some good speeches, sunk it undersea.
Blades, bullion, battle-gear. Best burial ever.
I
Beow became king, battled well. Bore Healfdane,
Who had himself four kids, Hrothgar among them.
Hrothgar won at war, was followed by many.
Built a mead-hall for men, mucho grande.
Called the mead-hall “Heorot,” meaning man-deer.
Long it would tower, later laid low by in-laws.
Beow became king, battled well. Bore Healfdane,
Who had himself four kids, Hrothgar among them.
Hrothgar won at war, was followed by many.
Built a mead-hall for men, mucho grande.
Called the mead-hall “Heorot,” meaning man-deer.
Long it would tower, later laid low by in-laws.
There they sang Christian songs, super loud,
Annoying their neighbor, a nightmare monster,
Grendel, a demon damned by God, disliked that genre.
Annoying their neighbor, a nightmare monster,
Grendel, a demon damned by God, disliked that genre.
II
He headed out at night. Heorot’s men slept.
Grendel ate thirty thanes, then went home.
The rest rose that morning, really bummed out.
Hrothgar felt forlorn, fortunately the survivors stayed.
He headed out at night. Heorot’s men slept.
Grendel ate thirty thanes, then went home.
The rest rose that morning, really bummed out.
Hrothgar felt forlorn, fortunately the survivors stayed.
The next night was similar, a nosh of knights.
Thanes’ interest attenuated, alternate accommodations were sought.
Grendel held Heorot, Hell’s own HOA.
For twelve winters, warriors went without whistle-wetting.
Their woe was whispered, word of that ass-whupping went far.
Thanes’ interest attenuated, alternate accommodations were sought.
Grendel held Heorot, Hell’s own HOA.
For twelve winters, warriors went without whistle-wetting.
Their woe was whispered, word of that ass-whupping went far.
The sad men spoke in secret, seeking spiritual solutions.
Though hazey on Heaven, they knew Hell.
They said prayers to Satan, a sub-par policy.
Given that one is goblin-fighting, God is preferable.
Though hazey on Heaven, they knew Hell.
They said prayers to Satan, a sub-par policy.
Given that one is goblin-fighting, God is preferable.
III
Healdane’s son was peeved, his pals eaten, his public pub-less.
Healdane’s son was peeved, his pals eaten, his public pub-less.
Then a thane of Hygelac’s, thoroughly manly,
Heard of Heoret’s plight. He gathered men
The greatest Geats, got in a great boat,
Wore great gear, got soon overseas,
Moored near mountains, making excellent time.
They got out looking great, thanking God for not drowning them.
Heard of Heoret’s plight. He gathered men
The greatest Geats, got in a great boat,
Wore great gear, got soon overseas,
Moored near mountains, making excellent time.
They got out looking great, thanking God for not drowning them.
A watchman went out. “WHOA THERE!” he said.
You just sail over, swords and spears in hand?
Admittedly all of you look cool, awesomest of all is that one guy,
But next time send a note first. Now who are you?
You just sail over, swords and spears in hand?
Admittedly all of you look cool, awesomest of all is that one guy,
But next time send a note first. Now who are you?
IV
The finest man stood up, unfastened his face-hole:
“Ecgtheow was my papa, powerful and popular.
We’ve heard of Healfdane’s son, how his ass was handed to him.
We come with swords, to stab until the situation is resolved.”
The finest man stood up, unfastened his face-hole:
“Ecgtheow was my papa, powerful and popular.
We’ve heard of Healfdane’s son, how his ass was handed to him.
We come with swords, to stab until the situation is resolved.”
“Sounds good,” said the sea-watcher.
“You’re cool to come in. King’s that way.
I must return to watching, waiting and wary
For sword-wielding strangers whose speeches are less good”
“You’re cool to come in. King’s that way.
I must return to watching, waiting and wary
For sword-wielding strangers whose speeches are less good”
V
Awesomely armed, armored awesomely,
They headed to Heorot, heaped arms on its walls,
Outside the building they took a break. Benches were available.
Awesomely armed, armored awesomely,
They headed to Heorot, heaped arms on its walls,
Outside the building they took a break. Benches were available.
A hall-watcher came out, “Whence come such awesome warriors?”
Hygelac’s bravest boy bore up. “Beowulf is my name.”
“Great,” said Heorot’s guard, “Gimme a sec to get Hrothgar.”
The watcher (named Wulfgar), went to the king,
“Sword-guys sailed here, so you’d better say hi.”
Hygelac’s bravest boy bore up. “Beowulf is my name.”
“Great,” said Heorot’s guard, “Gimme a sec to get Hrothgar.”
The watcher (named Wulfgar), went to the king,
“Sword-guys sailed here, so you’d better say hi.”
VI
Hrothgar said, “Beowulf! Ecgtheow’s baby boy,
Hrethel’s grandson, sired on Hygelac’s sister.
I hear tell of his hands, holy cow they’re strong.
Christ’s sake, he could kill Grendel. Crack open the door.”
Hrothgar said, “Beowulf! Ecgtheow’s baby boy,
Hrethel’s grandson, sired on Hygelac’s sister.
I hear tell of his hands, holy cow they’re strong.
Christ’s sake, he could kill Grendel. Crack open the door.”
Wulfgar called out, “King says you’re cool to come in!
Men of fine family are welcome, forever friends.
That being said, set your swords and spears outside please.
Men of fine family are welcome, forever friends.
That being said, set your swords and spears outside please.
Looking great, the Geats got inside.
Beowulf, well-bedecked, badass battle-gear,
Said “I’ve done dozens of deeds, daring and glorious.
We heard of your plight, your proverbial pistol-whipping.
A demon punctured your party, your pub is patronless.
Beowulf, well-bedecked, badass battle-gear,
Said “I’ve done dozens of deeds, daring and glorious.
We heard of your plight, your proverbial pistol-whipping.
A demon punctured your party, your pub is patronless.
I’ve slain giants and sea monsters, similar stuff to Grendel.
Furnish me this favor - let me finish your foe.
If the fiend eats me, funeral expenses will be few.
I fear nothing, Fate does what Fate feels like.
Just, if I’m slain, send home my stuff.”
Furnish me this favor - let me finish your foe.
If the fiend eats me, funeral expenses will be few.
I fear nothing, Fate does what Fate feels like.
Just, if I’m slain, send home my stuff.”
VII
Hrothgar spoke, “Hey, remember Heatholaf the Wylfing?
Your father killed him, then hid out here.
Suing to save his ass, I sent a check.
Ecgtheow made an oath, owing me help.
Hrothgar spoke, “Hey, remember Heatholaf the Wylfing?
Your father killed him, then hid out here.
Suing to save his ass, I sent a check.
Ecgtheow made an oath, owing me help.
Oh, when solidly sloshed, my men spoke bravely.
But Grendel got in, gobbled them up.
Blood stains, severed bodies, spattered gore.
Anyway, sit and get sloshed. Speak bravely.
But Grendel got in, gobbled them up.
Blood stains, severed bodies, spattered gore.
Anyway, sit and get sloshed. Speak bravely.
A poet belted song, benched were Geatish butts.
VIII
Unferth spoke, Ecglaf’s son, uber-douche:
“Beowulf. Bro. Breca once beat you in a swimming contest.
After just one week he won, you wussed out.
Tides hurled him to Heathoram, then he went home.
Point is, people who lose at swimming? Probably monster food."
Unferth spoke, Ecglaf’s son, uber-douche:
“Beowulf. Bro. Breca once beat you in a swimming contest.
After just one week he won, you wussed out.
Tides hurled him to Heathoram, then he went home.
Point is, people who lose at swimming? Probably monster food."
Beowulf said “Close. Close but not quite.
Yes I swam with Breca, boyhood buddy of mine.
We wore weapons, in case of whales.
Got on gold-adorned armor. Good thing too,
For fate decided day five was SEA-FIEND FRIDAY!"
Yes I swam with Breca, boyhood buddy of mine.
We wore weapons, in case of whales.
Got on gold-adorned armor. Good thing too,
For fate decided day five was SEA-FIEND FRIDAY!"
VIX
They bethought me food, but got the brunch of the blade.
Since that stabbing, sea monsters stay away.
I got victory and dawn glowed, God’s own thumbs up.
Know anyone else like that? Knifer of nine monsters?
No Unferth? None to the best of your knowledge?
They bethought me food, but got the brunch of the blade.
Since that stabbing, sea monsters stay away.
I got victory and dawn glowed, God’s own thumbs up.
Know anyone else like that? Knifer of nine monsters?
No Unferth? None to the best of your knowledge?
And while we’re on memories, ‘member murdering your brother?
You’ll fetch up in Hell one day. That fratricide is in your face.
And there’s this whole Grendel thing, great thaning on that.
You’ll fetch up in Hell one day. That fratricide is in your face.
And there’s this whole Grendel thing, great thaning on that.
Know what mighty men have? Unmurdered friends.
Don’t get up, guy. Geats have got Grendel handled.
At dawn, we’ll be lit up again, by light and by liquor.
Don’t get up, guy. Geats have got Grendel handled.
At dawn, we’ll be lit up again, by light and by liquor.
The King laughed, comforted by quality clapback.
Wealtheow his winsome wife, went round wassailing,
A bottomless booze-cup, a bit for each battler.
Beowulf soon sipped, saying “When I sailed
I swore to slay or die, so I’ll do one of those.
Wealtheow his winsome wife, went round wassailing,
A bottomless booze-cup, a bit for each battler.
Beowulf soon sipped, saying “When I sailed
I swore to slay or die, so I’ll do one of those.
The hall was happy, Hrothgar yawned,
“Being that it’s Hell-beast night, Beowulf’s in charge.
Great glory if you go ungobbled. Goodnight!”
“Being that it’s Hell-beast night, Beowulf’s in charge.
Great glory if you go ungobbled. Goodnight!”
X
Hrothgar departed, desiring to doink his wife.
The war-Geat got up, “Grendel wields no weapon.
To not be gauche, I go swordless ‘gainst the man-gourmand.
Who gets pummeled to pulp? The Prince of Peace decides.
Hrothgar departed, desiring to doink his wife.
The war-Geat got up, “Grendel wields no weapon.
To not be gauche, I go swordless ‘gainst the man-gourmand.
Who gets pummeled to pulp? The Prince of Peace decides.
The men slept, pretty sure they’d soon die.
But God, boss of man, brought victory.
But God, boss of man, brought victory.
All slept but the great Geat. God decides who dies, yes,
But when battling hell-beasts, best to hedge one’s bets.
But when battling hell-beasts, best to hedge one’s bets.
XI
Grendel prowled moors, munchy for man-meat,
Hurtled toward Heorot. He saw thanes inside.
Armored men asleep - all you can Geat buffet.
Grendel prowled moors, munchy for man-meat,
Hurtled toward Heorot. He saw thanes inside.
Armored men asleep - all you can Geat buffet.
Beowulf bore up, bare of weapons
Grendel lapped up one man, a loathsome luncheon.
Hygelac’s best’d had enough, hand-gripped the hell-demon,
Who decided then, one dane was dinner enough.
He hollered hard, for his ass was headlocked.
Grendel lapped up one man, a loathsome luncheon.
Hygelac’s best’d had enough, hand-gripped the hell-demon,
Who decided then, one dane was dinner enough.
He hollered hard, for his ass was headlocked.
Beowulf fought the fiend, fearing no death.
His fourteen uneaten fighters felt otherwise.
They wielded weapons, with 100% inaccuracy
The killer had cursed cutting tools, crapped them out.
His fourteen uneaten fighters felt otherwise.
They wielded weapons, with 100% inaccuracy
The killer had cursed cutting tools, crapped them out.
So, the grapplers death-danced, disliking each other,
TIll Beowulf split the sinews of the man-scarfer.
Grendel, disarmed doubly, dashed out.
The Danes pinned up the pulled arm, perfect wall accent,
Cut claw of man-cleaver, killer man-cave decor.
TIll Beowulf split the sinews of the man-scarfer.
Grendel, disarmed doubly, dashed out.
The Danes pinned up the pulled arm, perfect wall accent,
Cut claw of man-cleaver, killer man-cave decor.
XIII
Many watched the monster walk. Wow! Talk about blood!
He went, wounded, to wicked waters, waves of hot gore.
Great entertainment, that entrail trail.
Mortally maimed he met hell. A magnificent matinee.
Many watched the monster walk. Wow! Talk about blood!
He went, wounded, to wicked waters, waves of hot gore.
Great entertainment, that entrail trail.
Mortally maimed he met hell. A magnificent matinee.
Moved by reports of reduced murder, men returned,
Saying Beowulf was best, better fitted to rule
Than any known noble. No offense to Hrothgar.
Saying Beowulf was best, better fitted to rule
Than any known noble. No offense to Hrothgar.
They soon celebrated. A poet sang, a song of Sigemund.
The great wayfarer, far he traveled, with Fitela,
Who was Sigemund’s son. (His sister’s too)
The great wayfarer, far he traveled, with Fitela,
Who was Sigemund’s son. (His sister’s too)
Constant companions, killing giants.
Fine fighters, having Father-son/nephew time.
After he expired, Sigemund got super-famous
For slaying a great serpent, stealing his gold.
Fine fighters, having Father-son/nephew time.
After he expired, Sigemund got super-famous
For slaying a great serpent, stealing his gold.
Heremod, on the other hand - he sucked.
A crappy king, curse to his people, killed.
Betrayed by buddies, it was for the best.
Hygelac’s heroes, they’re higher quality. “
Darkness came. Done doinking, Hrothgar emerged,
With men and maidens, moseying for mead.
A crappy king, curse to his people, killed.
Betrayed by buddies, it was for the best.
Hygelac’s heroes, they’re higher quality. “
Darkness came. Done doinking, Hrothgar emerged,
With men and maidens, moseying for mead.
XIV
Hrothgar came in, happy with the wall-hanging.
Said “Grindle’s gone! God be thanked!
I had held myself hosed - harrowed forever!
Slaying experts expected no extermination possible.
Hrothgar came in, happy with the wall-hanging.
Said “Grindle’s gone! God be thanked!
I had held myself hosed - harrowed forever!
Slaying experts expected no extermination possible.
Soon came this superman! So much for expertise!
Old gods used your mom well - yuge blessings on her uterus.
You’ll get great gear from me. God’s grace too.
Old gods used your mom well - yuge blessings on her uterus.
You’ll get great gear from me. God’s grace too.
The son of Ecgtheow spoke: “Such a good time
Dealing death, doing in devils.
Just wish you were there - awake for the ass-whupping.
Dealing death, doing in devils.
Just wish you were there - awake for the ass-whupping.
I pulled off his arm - pinning was impossible.
But hey! He’ll bleed till unborn, then be hell-bound.
Not what I planned, but all’s well that ends well.”
But hey! He’ll bleed till unborn, then be hell-bound.
Not what I planned, but all’s well that ends well.”
Unferth beheld the beast-paw, bethought himself a bitch.
That claw was uncuttable, by common consensus.
That claw was uncuttable, by common consensus.
XV
So they scrubbed the place, squeegeed off blood,
Adorned the walls, undid the dying demon’s damage.
(You’ll die too one day.)
The Dane-King went to feast.
Buckets of mead, bench buddies. Best boozefest ever.
Beowulf got fancy gear: a flag and fine helmet.
So they scrubbed the place, squeegeed off blood,
Adorned the walls, undid the dying demon’s damage.
(You’ll die too one day.)
The Dane-King went to feast.
Buckets of mead, bench buddies. Best boozefest ever.
Beowulf got fancy gear: a flag and fine helmet.
Super good armor, a sweet sword.
I never heard of better boons, between two buds.
A ridge went round the helm - relatively sword-proof.
Hrothgar had horses come, holding his war-saddle,
Gave these to the thane - that was thoughtful gift selection.
I never heard of better boons, between two buds.
A ridge went round the helm - relatively sword-proof.
Hrothgar had horses come, holding his war-saddle,
Gave these to the thane - that was thoughtful gift selection.
XVI
The fourteen fighters, fine stuff they got,
Plus a payout for one, their polished-off pal.
Wise God rate-limited Grendel - gulp but one Geat.
Life’s hard like that. Learn to live with it it.
The fourteen fighters, fine stuff they got,
Plus a payout for one, their polished-off pal.
Wise God rate-limited Grendel - gulp but one Geat.
Life’s hard like that. Learn to live with it it.
A harpist harped, Heorot’s men heard a poem:
A fine tale: The Finnsburg Frenemies.
A fine tale: The Finnsburg Frenemies.
[Note: normally I go line-by-line, but for the following segment on the Fight at Finnsburh, which is disputed by scholars, I've put together a reconstruction and added in information out of order to make it clearer for the reader]
Hoc’s daughter, Hildeburh, had hard luck,
Sons and brothers slain, spouse spared.
Hengest handed their asses to them, here’s what happened:
Hoc’s son Hnaef came to hang out,
Far over waves, faring to Finn’s place.
Hnaef’s sis Hildeburh was Finn’s betrothed.
Sons and brothers slain, spouse spared.
Hengest handed their asses to them, here’s what happened:
Hoc’s son Hnaef came to hang out,
Far over waves, faring to Finn’s place.
Hnaef’s sis Hildeburh was Finn’s betrothed.
Family time was unfortunate: five days of fighting
Finn’s son lost his life, Hnaef did likewise.
Hengest led Hnaef’s men, hacked up Finn’s thanes.
King Finn coughed: “Can we talk this out?”
Finn’s son lost his life, Hnaef did likewise.
Hengest led Hnaef’s men, hacked up Finn’s thanes.
King Finn coughed: “Can we talk this out?”
They made a truce: moratorium on murders.
Finn would give gold, get to keep his kingship,
And vis-a-vis that day’s deaths: Don’t ask don’t tell.
A pyre was piled, peopled with bodies.
Finn would give gold, get to keep his kingship,
And vis-a-vis that day’s deaths: Don’t ask don’t tell.
A pyre was piled, peopled with bodies.
Hildeburh’s son and Hnaef, heaped together,
Metal boiled and flesh burned, bursting bloodsplosions,
Mounds of murdered men. Man, what a morning.
The fire gorged on gore. Not great for getting along.
Metal boiled and flesh burned, bursting bloodsplosions,
Mounds of murdered men. Man, what a morning.
The fire gorged on gore. Not great for getting along.
XVII
Some of Hengest’s horde left, Hengest held on.
Winter came, cold sea and thunderclap,
He couldn’t canoe home, caught cabin fever.
Half homesick, half hoping for vengeance.
Spring came, season of sunshine and slaughter.
Some of Hengest’s horde left, Hengest held on.
Winter came, cold sea and thunderclap,
He couldn’t canoe home, caught cabin fever.
Half homesick, half hoping for vengeance.
Spring came, season of sunshine and slaughter.
In Hengest’s lap, Hunlaf’s son left a legend-sword.
Wrath wore that warrior, one thing led to another,
He gave Finn the sword-siesta, stole his stuff,
Grabbed Hildeburh, hied himself home.
Wrath wore that warrior, one thing led to another,
He gave Finn the sword-siesta, stole his stuff,
Grabbed Hildeburh, hied himself home.
The warriors were well-pleased; Wealtheow sat,
Beside Hrothgar, beside Beowulf too.
Unferth relaxed, respected despite his relative-slayings.
Beside Hrothgar, beside Beowulf too.
Unferth relaxed, respected despite his relative-slayings.
Wealtheow offered wine, “Wassail, my lord!
Oh by the by, you’re adopting Beowulf I hear.
Fine but don’t forget, family first.
If you croak quickly, and the kids aren’t king-aged,
Hire nephew Hrothulf. He’ll raise them best.
Beowulf sat between those boys, boy it was awkward.
Oh by the by, you’re adopting Beowulf I hear.
Fine but don’t forget, family first.
If you croak quickly, and the kids aren’t king-aged,
Hire nephew Hrothulf. He’ll raise them best.
Beowulf sat between those boys, boy it was awkward.
XVIII
Booze was borne to Beowulf, bounties of treasures,
A nice necklace. Never seen better.
Hygelac got that harness, held in battle later.
While fighting Frisians, fate finished him.
He looked great, but later his corpse was looted.
But Geats got victory, so it’s all good.
Booze was borne to Beowulf, bounties of treasures,
A nice necklace. Never seen better.
Hygelac got that harness, held in battle later.
While fighting Frisians, fate finished him.
He looked great, but later his corpse was looted.
But Geats got victory, so it’s all good.
“It’s a nice necklace,” announced Wealtheow.
“So Beowulf, be good to my boys.
All these drunk thanes? They do what I say.”
“So Beowulf, be good to my boys.
All these drunk thanes? They do what I say.”
The men feasted. Foresaw not their fate.
Hrothgar left the hall, having a nap.
Men slept on shields, sloshed at the slumber party.
A baleful beddy-by, for one battler was doomed.
Hrothgar left the hall, having a nap.
Men slept on shields, sloshed at the slumber party.
A baleful beddy-by, for one battler was doomed.
XIX
Grendel’s mother grew mad, a murder-bent mommy,
Kin of Cain, killer of his brother.
God marked him, made his kids monstery.
She vowed violence, vengeance on Heorot.
Her baby ate but few - boys will be boys!
Grendel’s mother grew mad, a murder-bent mommy,
Kin of Cain, killer of his brother.
God marked him, made his kids monstery.
She vowed violence, vengeance on Heorot.
Her baby ate but few - boys will be boys!
The momster made her move, marauded the man-cave.
Shields came too slow She stole a Scylding.
Beowulf would’ve been helpful, but he’d boarded elsewhere
She grabbed Grendel’s arm and got out. God, it sucked.
Shields came too slow She stole a Scylding.
Beowulf would’ve been helpful, but he’d boarded elsewhere
She grabbed Grendel’s arm and got out. God, it sucked.
The king was furious, favorite thane filched.
He summoned Beowulf, sanguine God would do him a solid.
The arm-taker ambled in, asked how’s it going.
He summoned Beowulf, sanguine God would do him a solid.
The arm-taker ambled in, asked how’s it going.
XX
Hrothgar sobbed, saying “it sucks!
Aeschere’s dead, dinner for the Mom-demon.
Our buddy is monster-brunch. A baleful buzzkill.
Hrothgar sobbed, saying “it sucks!
Aeschere’s dead, dinner for the Mom-demon.
Our buddy is monster-brunch. A baleful buzzkill.
People’ve mentioned these monsters, man and woman.
From a bad area, boggy and wolf-bitten.
Dark creeks and crags, a crappy place.
From a bad area, boggy and wolf-bitten.
Dark creeks and crags, a crappy place.
If a deer were dog-chased, he’d rather die than dive in.
Groaning wind, gushing flame - great opportunity for you.
Come back unkilled, collect more gold!
Groaning wind, gushing flame - great opportunity for you.
Come back unkilled, collect more gold!
XXI
Beowulf spoke: “Sorrow not, sire.
Getting revenge is great. Grieving is for wimps.
Mount up men. Let’s murder that mama.”
Hrothgar thanked God for this great speech.
Beowulf spoke: “Sorrow not, sire.
Getting revenge is great. Grieving is for wimps.
Mount up men. Let’s murder that mama.”
Hrothgar thanked God for this great speech.
They got to Grendel’s mom’s, gross swamp,
Stunted trees and stanky water, sea monsters too.
Here was Aeschere’s head, hacked off.
Stunted trees and stanky water, sea monsters too.
Here was Aeschere’s head, hacked off.
Beowulf wore his war-shirt, woven with great workmanship,
His man-pig motif helmet, mighty against man-stabbers.
Unferth handed him Hrunting, high-quality sword.
That wimp wouldn’t wield it, weak with wussery.
Getting scared of man-gobblers? Great way to lose glory.
His man-pig motif helmet, mighty against man-stabbers.
Unferth handed him Hrunting, high-quality sword.
That wimp wouldn’t wield it, weak with wussery.
Getting scared of man-gobblers? Great way to lose glory.
XXII
Beowulf bade Hrothgar, “Bethink your promise,
If I’m slain, send the stuff you gave me home.
Now to fight! Or failing that, feed monsters."
Beowulf bade Hrothgar, “Bethink your promise,
If I’m slain, send the stuff you gave me home.
Now to fight! Or failing that, feed monsters."
Beowulf sunk in that sea, swimming all day.
On the murky mere-bottom, met a middle age mom-beast,
Her talons not tearing, she took him to the interior,
Lo! Leviathans lurked that lady’s living room!
On the murky mere-bottom, met a middle age mom-beast,
Her talons not tearing, she took him to the interior,
Lo! Leviathans lurked that lady’s living room!
He swung skullward, stab-stick singing the battle-song.
It cleft no cranium, clanging off crappily.
Its first failure, fighting a fifty-year-old.
It cleft no cranium, clanging off crappily.
Its first failure, fighting a fifty-year-old.
Excellent sword eh? Eff it.
When you want glory, wrestling works best.
He grappled Grendel’s Mom, gaining no ground.
She got her sword and stabbed, super unsportsmanlike.
The knife-jab jumped from his mail, just as God planned.
When you want glory, wrestling works best.
He grappled Grendel’s Mom, gaining no ground.
She got her sword and stabbed, super unsportsmanlike.
The knife-jab jumped from his mail, just as God planned.
XXIII
He beheld a big-ass sword, built by giants,
Broke the monster-birther’s neck, bloodying the blade.
He took her life, was absolutely tickled by this triumph.
He beheld a big-ass sword, built by giants,
Broke the monster-birther’s neck, bloodying the blade.
He took her life, was absolutely tickled by this triumph.
Close was Grendel’s corpse, curled on a couch.
The Dane-Dinnerer, door-nail dead.
Beowulf beheaded him. Best to be sure.
The Dane-Dinnerer, door-nail dead.
Beowulf beheaded him. Best to be sure.
Hrothgar and servants saw, sea blood-stained.
Beowulf was breakfast - bummer but not exactly bewildering.
They held hope half day or so, then headed home.
Beowulf was breakfast - bummer but not exactly bewildering.
They held hope half day or so, then headed home.
Hygelac’s men remained.
The sword melted from monster blood.
It wilted like winter-frost. God’s ways are weird.
Beowulf looted lightly, left with only the giant hilt.
That cursed sea cleaned up good, cleansed of monsters.
The sword melted from monster blood.
It wilted like winter-frost. God’s ways are weird.
Beowulf looted lightly, left with only the giant hilt.
That cursed sea cleaned up good, cleansed of monsters.
Beowulf bounded out, buoyed by booty.
Thanes thanked God, that was a good day.
The monster’s gourd was ungainly, got up by four Geats.
Heorot’s men were meading. Men of Hygelac moseyed in.
Hrothgar saw what they held -- hooey, what a head!
Thanes thanked God, that was a good day.
The monster’s gourd was ungainly, got up by four Geats.
Heorot’s men were meading. Men of Hygelac moseyed in.
Hrothgar saw what they held -- hooey, what a head!
XXIV
The head-looper spoke: “Lo! Looky here!
I got off Grendel’s head. Give a big hand to God!
Hrunting was no help, however there was a huge sword.
I wielded that war-maker, whacked the sea-witch.
The mega-sword melted, monster blood does that.
The head-looper spoke: “Lo! Looky here!
I got off Grendel’s head. Give a big hand to God!
Hrunting was no help, however there was a huge sword.
I wielded that war-maker, whacked the sea-witch.
The mega-sword melted, monster blood does that.
Very good hilt though, and invaluable vengeance.
It’s monster murder moratorium. Mead it up, men!
It’s monster murder moratorium. Mead it up, men!
The hilt was handed over, heck of a good one too.
Demons had it on loan, later Lord Hrothgar got it.
Demons had it on loan, later Lord Hrothgar got it.
He looked at the hilt, here were lovely runes,
Fabulous art of the flood - fancy all those drowned sinners!
Hrothgar bestirred his voice:
“Beowulf is the best.
Just absolutely giant fame, and not a jerk about it either.”
His henchman are happy.
Fabulous art of the flood - fancy all those drowned sinners!
Hrothgar bestirred his voice:
“Beowulf is the best.
Just absolutely giant fame, and not a jerk about it either.”
His henchman are happy.
Heremod’s, not so much.
He was a douchey duke, dick to his Danes.
Knifed his own knights - not a popular move.
Got a primo setup from Heaven’s Prince. Pissed it away.
Makes you wonder:
What’s with God?
He’s righteous, rules all. Real weird choices sometimes though.”
He was a douchey duke, dick to his Danes.
Knifed his own knights - not a popular move.
Got a primo setup from Heaven’s Prince. Pissed it away.
Makes you wonder:
What’s with God?
He’s righteous, rules all. Real weird choices sometimes though.”
God’ll give a guy gold, great men and good health.
XXV
The man puffs with pride, puts down his guard.
But when badness arrives, he becomes a dick.
Thinks his stuff sucks, squeezes pennies.
Stops giving gold out, skips church,
Finally croaks. In comes the next king,
XXV
The man puffs with pride, puts down his guard.
But when badness arrives, he becomes a dick.
Thinks his stuff sucks, squeezes pennies.
Stops giving gold out, skips church,
Finally croaks. In comes the next king,
Ransacks those riches, makes it rain gold.
Do better Beowulf. Betimes you’ll by a corpse.
Sickness, sword, senescence - something’s gonna get you.
Do better Beowulf. Betimes you’ll by a corpse.
Sickness, sword, senescence - something’s gonna get you.
Things were great for me. Then Grendel got here.
So I’m glad to see this gore-soaked monster-gob. Thanks, God!
But sit Beowulf. More super stuff awaits you.
So I’m glad to see this gore-soaked monster-gob. Thanks, God!
But sit Beowulf. More super stuff awaits you.
They dined till darkness. The Dane-King ducked out.
Having killed and been courteous, Beowulf caught good sleep.
He snoozed until sunrise, then sought to go home.
Having killed and been courteous, Beowulf caught good sleep.
He snoozed until sunrise, then sought to go home.
Unferth handed over Hrunting, hell of a sword.
Beowulf said thanks. What a thoughtful thane!
Then, hoping to hit the road, he went to Hrotghar.
Beowulf said thanks. What a thoughtful thane!
Then, hoping to hit the road, he went to Hrotghar.
Ecgtheow’s son spoke - “Just wanna say we had a great time.”
The feasts, the fighting - first rate stuff.
We stab at your service, and we sincerely value your business,
If you require more murder, we’d love to raise our rating with you.
The feasts, the fighting - first rate stuff.
We stab at your service, and we sincerely value your business,
If you require more murder, we’d love to raise our rating with you.
If neighbor-issues return, I’ll request a thousand retainers.
Oh and send lil Hrethric some time. He can say hi to Hygelac!
Oh and send lil Hrethric some time. He can say hi to Hygelac!
Hrothgar spoke - “Son - super speech.”
Really top notch - did God write it?
You’re beefy, brainy, but also a great conversationalist.
If Hygelac gets knocked off, I know you’re next in line.
No more Dane-Geat feuds. Best friends forever.
Really top notch - did God write it?
You’re beefy, brainy, but also a great conversationalist.
If Hygelac gets knocked off, I know you’re next in line.
No more Dane-Geat feuds. Best friends forever.
He gave Beowulf 12 gifts, before that boy sailed.
Hrothgar bawled tear-buckets, gave a bye-bye smooch,
Immiserated and mourning. Meanwhile Beowulf counted gold!
They sailed home, head over heels with this treasure.
Hrothgar was super, later slain by sickness (which sucks).
Hrothgar bawled tear-buckets, gave a bye-bye smooch,
Immiserated and mourning. Meanwhile Beowulf counted gold!
They sailed home, head over heels with this treasure.
Hrothgar was super, later slain by sickness (which sucks).
XXVII
The Geats went seaward, gloriously geared.
The watchmen watched their prows. A perfect parking attendant.
The Geat gave a sword, solid tip for great service.
So they set out, sailing nonstop.
Struck home, assisted by a super stevedore
Heading to Hygelac, Hrethel’s kid.
The Geats went seaward, gloriously geared.
The watchmen watched their prows. A perfect parking attendant.
The Geat gave a sword, solid tip for great service.
So they set out, sailing nonstop.
Struck home, assisted by a super stevedore
Heading to Hygelac, Hrethel’s kid.
Hygelac had a great hall, hell of a queen too.
A young princess, sure, but a powerful gift-picker
Unlike Thryth - that queen had issues!
If you made eye contact, your brain-case got cleaved.
You can’t haphazardly head-lop, even while hot!
A young princess, sure, but a powerful gift-picker
Unlike Thryth - that queen had issues!
If you made eye contact, your brain-case got cleaved.
You can’t haphazardly head-lop, even while hot!
Well her dad, Hemming, he got her married.
Offered her to Offa, with an awful lot of gold.
I hear she shaped up, became a sugar pie.
No more neck-severings. Nice lady.
Offa was famed for that. Fathered Eomer,
Grandson of Garmund, the great-at-violence.
Offered her to Offa, with an awful lot of gold.
I hear she shaped up, became a sugar pie.
No more neck-severings. Nice lady.
Offa was famed for that. Fathered Eomer,
Grandson of Garmund, the great-at-violence.
XXVII
Anyhow the heroes headed home, Hygelac awaited.
News came to the king: “BEOWULF NOT A CORPSE”
He cleared the hall, for heroes get dibs.
Anyhow the heroes headed home, Hygelac awaited.
News came to the king: “BEOWULF NOT A CORPSE”
He cleared the hall, for heroes get dibs.
They sat in the hall, Hygd handing out booze-cups.
The Geat-king wanted all the Grendel-related gossip:
The Geat-king wanted all the Grendel-related gossip:
“Beowulf, best pal! Battle went well, then?
I was worried, when you got the murder-lust.
Man-nomping nightmares? Not our problem!
It’s all good, though - glad you’re alive. Thanks, God!"
I was worried, when you got the murder-lust.
Man-nomping nightmares? Not our problem!
It’s all good, though - glad you’re alive. Thanks, God!"
Ecgtheow’s son spoke: “So yeah, I slew Grendel,
Suck on that, sons of Cain.
I saw Hrothgar, he heard my kill-plan
So pleased, he sat me with his sons.
Good company and cuisine, queen gave out rings.
Suck on that, sons of Cain.
I saw Hrothgar, he heard my kill-plan
So pleased, he sat me with his sons.
Good company and cuisine, queen gave out rings.
Hrothgar’s girl Freawaru, she fetched ale-filled glasses.
She’s affianced to Froda’s son, to fix a feud.
But once stabby, the spear seldom sits, am I right?
She’s affianced to Froda’s son, to fix a feud.
But once stabby, the spear seldom sits, am I right?
She’ll head to the Heathobards, Hrothgar’s men with her,
Dressed in dead foes’ digs! Dude, you can’t do that!
Know how that night’ll go? Not great!
Dressed in dead foes’ digs! Dude, you can’t do that!
Know how that night’ll go? Not great!
XXIX
Two seconds in, some old spear-holder gets sloshed,
Looks at the gear, gets grumpy about it, going:
“See that sword? Son that was your dad’s!
Partying here in your dead pop’s stuff? Poor taste!”
Two seconds in, some old spear-holder gets sloshed,
Looks at the gear, gets grumpy about it, going:
“See that sword? Son that was your dad’s!
Partying here in your dead pop’s stuff? Poor taste!”
He just won’t let it go, lays in to those lads,
Works them up until WHAM - whacked thanes!
So the stabbing starts up again, straining the marriage.
No, not a great idea.
Now then,
Oh God, right, Grendel and the great fight.
Works them up until WHAM - whacked thanes!
So the stabbing starts up again, straining the marriage.
No, not a great idea.
Now then,
Oh God, right, Grendel and the great fight.
So the sun went down, then Dane-snacker snuck in.
HOMP - he ate Honscio, who we really liked,
Then flew at me, festooned in fabulous gloves.
Skillfully sewn, sinister embroidery
Lined with, like, dragon skins!*
He wanted me wiped out, well I was like no.
HOMP - he ate Honscio, who we really liked,
Then flew at me, festooned in fabulous gloves.
Skillfully sewn, sinister embroidery
Lined with, like, dragon skins!*
He wanted me wiped out, well I was like no.
*Footnote: Scholars don’t know what the hell this is about. Either there’s a plot hole or you’re meant to think Beowulf is exaggerating a story about killing a giant monster cannibal by adding that the monster had nice gloves.
