Thread by @temporalhiccup

So memory loss is something that comes up in #TTRPGs sometimes, and I'm annoyed at something I consistently see come up.

As someone who loses memories with every big seizure (I have temporal lobe epilepsy), I want to speak from my personal perspective.

Thread!

First: the idea that memory loss is disturbing, trauma inducing, or mentally strenuous and this is perpetually present in the one suffering memory loss.

To me, this rings incredibly false and comes off as tourism-trauma. So no, just no.

What's it like really?

Once again, this is personal and subjective but:

For me the memory gaps are impossible to perceive. The mind has a tendency to paper over things and recalibrate, it normalizes the memory loss because *you cannot remember what it felt like to not have the memory loss*

Your mind just adapts, you function well enough without these memories, and ***there is no feeling of loss or something misplaced***.

This makes it more jarring when there is material evidence of the memory loss, or when someone very casually and confusedly doesn't understand.

When I am confronted with the memory loss, once again ***there is no trauma or horrifying realization***. My brain is telling me it's impossible, my memory is intact, this evidence or person must be wrong somehow.

It's all very calm, very sure, very strong. It's a defense.

As someone raised female, this also brings to light something else:

I am used to being gaslit, by cis-het men mostly, who regularly attempt to rewrite or ignore my experiences. I had to learn how to fight back, hold my ground, over a long period of time.

This makes me even more defensive, I am more inclined to believe I am being gaslit because it has happened so often in the past.

Yes, it has happened often enough that my semi-regular memory loss cannot remove that understanding, that folks will try to gaslight me.

So what happens when someone I trust (and this takes a lot) insists on the memory loss or there is irrefutable evidence of my memory loss?

Well, I won't lie, the first year took me a while to really grapple with it. I knew I couldn't trust my mind. It sucked, it was hard.

But it's not the kind of difficulty I see described in these ttrpg games, that measure trauma by numbers or insist it's something that haunts me.

It was more like telling myself the sky was pink, even tho I always saw blue.

It was weird, but not horrifying.

Oh sure, there was the "Am I still really me without my memories" and "who will I become without them", but I've found that to be largely not true: I am still very much the same person, even without a lot of the memories I used to have.

It's very strange, but it's also freeing.

Admittedly it took me a while to get to that zen acceptance, and it's hard to explain or describe it.

And I think that's why I have so many games that focus on memory and changing histories and revelations of the heart. I want to share that somehow.

INTERIM is one of my first games about it, and I go into more detail in the notes about my epilepsy.

The game has you play different personas, and you must decide collectively if you will push through with the memory erasure procedure or try to stop it.

temporalhiccup.itch.io/interim

BECOME ONE is my very first game, and in it you are Fragmented AI of a mecha, attached to the emotions and memories of the single pilot you are trying to bring home.

The game asks, who are you when your memories become corrupted? Are you still you?

temporalhiccup.itch.io/become-one

OUR HAUNT has you play as ghosts who have very few memories of their lives before death.

The game asks: will you keep chasing after these memories and the life you can never return to, or will you create a new life with this new family of ghosts?

temporalhiccup.itch.io/our-haunt

And that's just some of the games I've made where memory loss and retrieval is a strong theme!

Playing these games is strange for me, I see players have the exact same conversation I had with myself, when I came to grips with my regular memory loss and state of being ❤️

For anyone who read the whole thread, thank you for indulging me. I'm feeling bad because I'm still recovering from a bad seizure, almost a week later, and I've had dizzy spells and nausea all day almost everyday now.

This has helped me feel a tiny bit better, so thank you ❤️