Thread by @hradzka

Up late doing some stuff and I put on NINJA III: THE DOMINATION and its opening is amazing

it starts with an archaeologist opening an ancient tomb

then we cut to a golf course

dude hits his ball into the rough, goes after it

WHEREUPON A NINJA ATTACKS HIM & HIS GOLFING BUDDIES

This is fucking fantastic and pretty much EXACTLY the way I thought ninjas worked when I was a kid in the 80s

now the cops come and there is a car-vs-foot chase, that results in the ninja jumping on the cop car and taking the cops out while it's moving

then the ninja takes out a motorcycle cop

THEN THE COPS BRING IN A HELICOPTER

I REPEAT: *GOLF COURSE NINJA VERSUS POLICE HELICOPTER AND THIS MOVIE HAS JUST STARTED*

The ninja climbs a palm tree and vanishes into the fronds

the cops hover closer looking for him

the ninja climbs onto the skids

the ninja takes out the cops

the ninja steals the helicopter

I repeat: THE NINJA STEALS THE HELICOPTER

the helicopter flies off and crashes because evidently the ninja doesn't know how to fly a helicopter

but OH NO A COP SPIES A REED MOVING IN THE WATER TRAP

THE NINJA IS BREATHING THROUGH THE REED

THE NINJA ATTACKS THE COPS

Now they're in the brush and the cops are SHOOTING THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF THE NINJA WITH EVERY KIND OF GUN FROM REVOLVER TO FULL AUTO

AND THE NINJA IS SLAUGHTERING COPS LIKE MAD

FINALLY WHEN ALL HOPE IS LOST & THE NINJA HAS BEEN SHOT SIXTEEN THOUSAND TIMES HE VANISHES IN SMOKE

the cops run off to find him and the ninja comes up from the earth into which he had somehow tunnelled

this movie is completely bananas

I have utterly lost track of the number of homicides and we are like ten minutes into this sucker

Now there's a telephone lineman named Chris doing work out in the brush but guess what: the telephone lineman is a hot chick

who spies the dying ninja

and goes to offer him help

he hypnotizes her

gives her his sword

and puts his soul into her body

NOW SHE IS A NINJA

but she's also a regular person who reports this to the cops

plot twist: golfing dudes were scientists

the cops want to know why a ninja would murder scientists

a cop hits on Chris (the hot chick lineman); she ain't into it

she now has flashbacks of the ninja's violent death

update: Chris has now changed into a leotard with leg warmers and headband because it's the 80s and she has an aerobics class

she and her roommate live in a warehouse because of course she does

this movie fucking rules, NINJA III: THE DOMINATION is pure uncut '80s

it opened with ninja mass murder and now we get an 80s gym montage into an aerobics class

the telephone lineman is also a part time aerobics instructor

which of those two professions was the note

the cop joins the aerobics class long enough to tell Chris the ninja was a Japanese professional assassin

she leaves the gym to find some toughs roughing up a woman and intercedes; now they're getting tough with her

ninja skills: unlocked

so she beats up guys

the cop watches

The cop tells her he's arresting her

Then he tells her he's arresting her into a date

Then she tells him to fuck off

Then he goes on this rant that if she doesn't want to date him bc he's a cop, she can fuck off

so she takes him back to her place for a V8

Chris takes a shower, comes out in a towel, changes to a little robe, climbs on top of the cop

sexily holds up a V8

and then pours it all over herself so he can lick it off

and they bone

in case you thought I was kidding about the V8

she gets up late night post-bone and goes to her closet which is all full of smoke and the glowing ninja sword is in there unsheathing itself and levitating

cop wakes up and she's herself again, he admires the sword

her ninja sword

this cop ain't too quick on the draw folks

now we cut to an airport where a bunch of Asian dudes are welcoming a dude getting of a plane

the dude getting off the plane is Sho Kosugi

awwwwww yeah

his reception committee tells him they have bad news

cop stops by Chris's manhole to let her know he's gotta break their date tonight bc work

she flashbacks on seeing his partner, who was in the ninja shootout

she steals the telephone company van to follow them as he drives his partner home

uh-oh, ninja shenanigans

having doped out where the partner lives Chris goes home and is flashdancing in her living room bc have I mentioned it's the 80s

uh-oh, lights are flickering and strobing, there's smoke coming out of her stand-up living room arcade game DID I MENTION IT'S THE 80s

ninja time

Chris goes out to the wilds and finds a ninja cave from the opening, full of ninja stuff and equipment and outfits

dresses as a ninja and prepares to wreak ninja havoc on her creepy boyfriend's partner

have you ever wanted to see a lady ninja fight a fat older cop in his underwear in combat that somehow involves a pool table

"well, uh, I --"

then NINJA III: THE DOMINATION is for you

Sho Kosugi is watching the crime scene as the body is removed

dudes in movies could have insane amounts of body hair in the '80s

it may actually have been legally mandated

my God

Chris feels like something is wrong so goes to the doctor, who finds nothing physically wrong.

DOCTOR. "The psychiatrist you saw says there's nothing out of the ordinary. Aside from your extraordinary extrasensory perception and your preoccupation with Japanese culture."

She goes back to the police station to see her boyfriend and whoops, there's another one of the cops who gunned down the ninja

straightforward from here

the cop goes into a spa with two hookers fresh out of the pokey

Chris follows, joins them in the hot tub, kills the cop with a poisoned ring

and then kills the two hookers

Sho Kosugi enters a little later, checks out the bodies

looks thoughtful

the cop goes to Chris's place, finds her in her underwear working out; she's still losing time, doesn't know why, feels a presence

the cop boyfriend recommends a Japanese occult dude recommended by a cop in the Asiatic Division

PLAYED BY JAMES FREAKIN' HONG, LEGEND

James Hong wants to chain Chris up and try to reach the spirit

are we gonna see James Hong in an EXORCIST knock-off now because I suddenly want to see that

update: we are getting that

the shaken James Hong tells the cop: "Only a ninja can destroy a ninja"

cut to: Sho Kosugi

awwwww yeahhhh

Sho Kosugi chops, kicks, and shurikens his way into the morgue to see the body of the evil ninja

who, in a flashback, is shown to have killed Sho Kosugi's master and taken Sho Kosugi's eye with a shuriken

Sho Kosugi takes the body, conveys it to a temple in the hills

Chris and her boyfriend are back at the police station, her hair having gone a little gray now bc why not

whereupon she sees, you guessed it

another cop involved in gunning down the evil ninja who is now possessing her

maybe she should just not go back to the police station

now she's back home and the ninja sword is levitating again and the smoke machines are working overtime

Chris, in an effort to resist, turns up the stereo and tries to flashdance

the levitating ninja sword slices the stereo in two

everyone's a critic

the cops are going to the funeral for one of the previous cops Ninja Chris killed

guess who's crashing the funeral and lurking in the trees with a bow and arrows

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN

Update: it is now time for BIG-ASS "NINJA VERSUS ARMY OF COPS" FIGHT NUMBER TWO, this time in a cemetery with lots of arrowy death and the ninja punching cops through tombstones

and into the midde of it comes Sho Kosugi!

awwww yeah, *here* we go

the one-on-one ninja fight has now moved to a house receiving a from-the-studs remodel

and I have to say: this movie saves up budget for its moments of production value and really delivers nicely; it's a great set and the ninjas are absolutely wrecking it

Chris is unmasked mid-battle but then the cops come and she jumps out a window and gets away.

Sho Kosugi, injured in the fight, is getting arrested; the boyfriend shows up and wants to talk to him.

The boyfriend is tasked with bringing Chris and James Hong to the temple.

Sho Kosugi takes out the cops driving him to the station with a concealed miniature blowgun.

The boyfriend goes to try to get Chris to go to the temple.

Wackiness gonna ensue, y'all

The boyfriend nearly gets killed but Chris is able to stop the ninja in time; she drives off in the phone company van

so we get a little car chase that ends abruptly when the boyfriend gets a flat

Chris goes to the temple, finding the body of the dead evil ninja who's possessing her.

Sho Kosugi wants the dead ninja to return to his body, so he can destroy him.

Dead ninja ain't going for that.

NINJA FIGHT

Chris is about to die so the dead ninja goes back into his old bullet-riddled body

NINJA FIGHT CONTINUES

now the animated ninja is throwing animated fireballs that turn the monks who live in the temple into its mooks

Sho Kosugi fights the mooks!

The mooks beaten, Sho Kosugi and the evil ninja are fighting outside; the boyfriend and Chris run to help.

The majestic landscape of Chatsworth is showcased in all its glory

(or possibly the Santa Monica Mountains, but it really looks like Chatsworth to me)

Sho Kosugi disarms the undead evil ninja and Chris picks up the blade and stabs him

whereupon the ninja turns around and corkscrews into the earth, because why not

EARTHQUAKE! Sho Kosugi falls into a crevasse, but fortunately he has his ninja grappling hook to save him

the bad ninja pulls at his legs

and gets a dagger right into his skull for his trouble

Bad guy dispatched.

SHO KOSUGI. "It's over now."

Chris and the boyfriend smooch.

Sho Kosugi walks off...

as the evil ninja's body disappears, UH-OH

THE END.

like, seriously, Sho Kosugi says "it's over now" and the movie ends right freakin' there

This movie was *nuts.* Nothing in it topped the utter insanity of the opening, but then, what could?

If you wanna boggle, check out at least the opening of NINJA III: THE DOMINATION.

And maybe the bit where they use V8 in a sex scene.

/fin

Aw yeah. That's the stuff.

Wait for it.

https://twitter.com/JasonHornbuckle/status/1252169278759079936?s=20