I took my time over the #boislockerroom thing. It is super easy to dump on 15-16 year old kids, no matter how gross they are. They are kids. They might be entitled, arrogant and misogynistic. But they are kids -- which essentially means they can be changed +
And that it isn't too late. The change first starts with consequences for the kids that also greatly inconveniences the parents. I know this works because every time I have been inconvenienced by my child's misdemeanour at school, I have, out of anger, shame and frustration+
reevaluated every life choice, from my shampoo to my purpose in life. And it has forced me to change many things in the way I deal with the kids, or what example I set for them. Ideally, shame and anger should lead parents towards making major uncomfortable decisions.+
Next, a massive need for more transparency about what counsellors are doing in schools, and what issues are being tackled by them through the year -- via workshops, talks, campaigns etc. Right now, almost all school/counsellors are reactive -- whether it's suicide or harassment.
On reactivity, involvement of PTAs needs to go beyond asking for accountability from teachers when something massive happens. PTAs should be initiating conversations with schools for combined (with kids) sessions on things that are uncomfortable to talk about. +
I'll tell you why. In my journey as a parent, I have met men and women younger than me who tell their 9-10 years old kids they sprouted from flowers or were gifts delivered at doorsteps from god. On being pushed, they said they'd rather the school handled the sex conversation +
I understand the discomfort, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. Most of us grew up with parents who would not talk to us about these things. But *we* don't need to be them. Your discomfort is not greater than giving a child an understanding of the world around it, so don't +
prioritise that discomfort over a child's questions.
School counsellors, parents and teachers need to start that conversation about porn. Kids are going to watch it. No amount of emotional or physical control is going to keep your child away from it.
School counsellors, parents and teachers need to start that conversation about porn. Kids are going to watch it. No amount of emotional or physical control is going to keep your child away from it.
But if you are not going to talk about it -- no matter how reluctant they are to start with. And talking about it doesn't mean scaring them off. It means being open and curious and available to what they tell you. Because this #boislockerroom -- why was rape the first option +
for these boys as an expression of their sexuality? The conversation about consent is one thing but it only scratches the surface. What about their idea of masculinity? Where is it coming from? What are conversations at home that their idea of masculinity is this?
It is unlikely that most children (from schools like these) are exposed to their parents' sex lives. But attitudes of entitlement show up in every-day interactions so, I am reserving my judgement on that. Because entitlement in one are is enough to encourage it in another.
Then, remember that as parents *we* are the adults. We cannot be swayed by our kids not *liking* us because we enforce boundaries and discipline. I am overwhelmed by the complete lack of confidence parents have in loving authority, and their personal responsibility as adults +
Sensible parents cannot and shouldn't fall for the machinations of their children. You cannot be afraid of an "I hate you" or a "You're the worst mother in the world." (Those are compliments, believe me.) Have some integrity and some responsibility towards your children +
Instead of crumbling and being afraid of their reactive emotions. Back yourself and build a little character -- so what if your child compares you their friend's parents and makes you sound terrible? So what if your child talks to their friends about how mean you are?
We are not in it for a popularity contest. Make use of your power as an older person and a parent, it is a privilege not to be misused. In not using it to guide and hold your children, we are misusing our power as guardians.
And finally, really, really pay attention to the small things about your child's life. It's boring, it's illogical, it's repetitive and to you it might be inconsequential. But what your child is doing is what you do in therapy. Just talk so that they can make sense of their life.
I have many things to say about giving access to kids to phones and what is the right age. But I will risk coming off as oppressive and rigid: don't give your kids phones till they show you some responsibility. I hear parents promise kids that when they turn 14-15-16 they'll be +
Given phones. What makes you think getting to that age will make them sensible and responsible enough to handle what's on the internet in a healthy manner? I loop back here to listening to your kids talk and watching the small things. That's how you know they are ready. +
Kids will be made fun of without a phone, they will be ridiculed, and in turn your kids will hate you. But it's ok to not give them phones till they are ready for it. Please don't come at me saying phones are not the root of the problem. +
Most of us as adults don't use our phones in a healthy manner, what do you expect hormone-addled teens to do?
As a single mum, I really don't know what else I can do to model self respect and standing up for my children -- they don't spend enough time with their father for him +
As a single mum, I really don't know what else I can do to model self respect and standing up for my children -- they don't spend enough time with their father for him +
to be a role model but if fathers don't pitch in way more than mothers, then it is only half the work done. Raising a decent son means modelling for him what decent means and not shaming him when his behaviour is a mutant reflection of his father.
