Thread by @TheRestlessQuil

It's #SuicidePreventionDay

Some thoughts

1. Why do we see suicide as the best/only option?

My attempts at suicide tell me that it is because it very strongly *feels* like there is absolutely no other solution.

It is also because the calm I imagine death will bring is great +

And I want to be relieved of this incessant "burden" that living seems to be.

What have I learnt 4 years since my last attempt?

A. It only feels like there is no solution. That isn't the truth. It only means that I cannot see it now.
B. If only I could remember that +

This drastic, overwhelming pain would pass I would have come past that crisis without a trip to the hospital, having my stomach flushed with coal water, and having scared my loved ones. +

2. Suicide is complex and it feels like a pendulum inside your head, when you have a mental illness. At least that's what I feels like to me.

When things are smooth, suicidal ideation is at bay. But when things get a little rough, and then it is unrelenting, I think of +

Wanting to be free of it at all every single day. I think of ways, I think of means, I think of how I will affect everyone in my life and I go bed hoping I won't wake up the next morning.

(I've had suicidal ideation for 3 months now, once again.)

But now I let it rattle in +

My head. I don't act on it. I let myself feel the tension. The pull to do something to end my life. The push back from myself saying, it's ok. Hold on.

It doesn't get better then next day. Neither the next but telling myself one more day, takes me through a week, a fortnight, a month and before I know it I am avoiding people who ask what plans for new year's eve.

I got through a year. Even when I didn't think I would. +

Even when I didn't think I wanted to. And this is important.

I genuinely don't see the point to life on days like this. For three months, I've been depressed enough to not want to live.

But I realise that's just my brain doing its thing. I now realise, in a rudimentary way +

What it means to let it do its thing. And it does.

3. Will I ever get rid of feeling suicidal? I don't know. What I do know is that it comes and goes. In intensity and frequency.

4. Have I used it as a threat to get a point across to someone?

Yes. And I believed I would act

On that threat. At that point, in my mind, that wasn't a threat. Do I feel ashamed? Yes. Do I carry the shame of it? No. I have used that shame to resolve I won't do it ever again. The other person and I deserve better. And if I had to resort to a threat then clearly +

There's a breakdown of communication and that is what I have to fix.

5. If you have a therapist and you are suicidal, a plan to manage this feeling and ideation is something you absolutely need to talk about. I didn't think my therapist could tell me anything new +

But I was told simple, effective things that were to be part of my plan. I'm still skeptical about their efficacy but I'm willing to try them. And hoping I'll remember because it's so hard to remember good things to do for yourself when you're in pain. +

And finally, often therapists tell me I need to find more motivation than the existence of children to stay alive. I've thought about it. Right now, I don't have it. And I'm fine with that. My kids are motivation enough for now. Who knows how I'll be by the time they grow up +

So I'm not going to force myself to find another reason to live. If it comes it will come. Meanwhile, I bumble my way through life and figure things out.

As always, if you're entertaining thoughts of suicide, reach out. Some very good helplines out there.

x