Yesterday, @chukemmang tagged me on a tweet by @justcallmechii where she asked a question on what partners should ask each other prior to marriage. It’s not so much about what to ask though, So I decided to write a slightly detailed answer in the THREAD following
1. When it comes to relationships, it helps a lot to understand & separate the “role” from the “person”.
A role is like a job function and as with our secular jobs, we know that not everyone can perform every function. Some people are better suited for certain roles.
A role is like a job function and as with our secular jobs, we know that not everyone can perform every function. Some people are better suited for certain roles.
2.For instance, someone who blood makes queasy may find it difficult becoming a surgeon & pushing that person to that role without addressing the reason for the queasiness will just be pushing the person to likely failure
That’s why People are often tested for role compatibility
That’s why People are often tested for role compatibility
3. Each person is a unique combination of nature and nurture & nurture refers to background, environment, culture, religion, experience, trauma, status etc.
A person who was brought up with microwave food and loves it, will not likely enjoy spending time in a kitchen
A person who was brought up with microwave food and loves it, will not likely enjoy spending time in a kitchen
4. Just as someone brought up in a well-to-do home where both parents and siblings are all entrepreneurs will likely struggle to “find a job”.
Neither is lazy nor awkward, their background has programmed them to be a certain way.
Accept it or walk away. Simple!
Neither is lazy nor awkward, their background has programmed them to be a certain way.
Accept it or walk away. Simple!
5. A desire for a role is often driven by a specific need: a need to belong, a need to become, a need to begin, a need to be gone & a need to besiege
Sometimes:
we see ourselves IN a role & desire confirmation or
we see ourselves WITH a role & seek a partner to fulfill it
Sometimes:
we see ourselves IN a role & desire confirmation or
we see ourselves WITH a role & seek a partner to fulfill it
6. What we expect from ROLES are dependent on our past experiences, present state and future plans and these are as individual as our fingerprints.
Many people assume wrongly that a ROLE has a universal definition and EVERYONE has the same definitions.
This is a grave error!
Many people assume wrongly that a ROLE has a universal definition and EVERYONE has the same definitions.
This is a grave error!
7. When it comes to dating & marriage, boy/girlfriend & wife/husband are ROLES & the parties involved must first:
i) know themselves: their WHAT & their WHYs
ii) know the WHAT & WHY of the ROLE
iii) confirm the parter has done (i)
iv) know their proposed partner’s WHAT & WHY
i) know themselves: their WHAT & their WHYs
ii) know the WHAT & WHY of the ROLE
iii) confirm the parter has done (i)
iv) know their proposed partner’s WHAT & WHY
8. No matter what a surgeon says, employing a surgeon to be a janitor will lead to frustration for both of you.
A retired boxer will be better suited as a bouncer or body guard than as a customer care agent.
The person must fit the role and the role must fit the person.
A retired boxer will be better suited as a bouncer or body guard than as a customer care agent.
The person must fit the role and the role must fit the person.
9. So friends, when picking a partner, please do not fall into the universal error of thinking “this is what is supposed to be and everyone knows it!”
Many try to force fit their partner into their expectation based on their past experience that the other person isn’t a part of
Many try to force fit their partner into their expectation based on their past experience that the other person isn’t a part of
10. And that is the beginning of conflict which is often exaggerated by comparisons to people/roles in the past.
More often than not, we want something modeled after our parents had/did or what they didn’t have or didn’t do!
Either way, benchmark remains our flawed parents!
More often than not, we want something modeled after our parents had/did or what they didn’t have or didn’t do!
Either way, benchmark remains our flawed parents!
11. Now when the Bible said “he who finds a WIFE finds a good THING”, I am personally NOT convinced that the Bible will refer to a beautifully and delicately created wonderfulness of a woman as a “thing”. I believe it was referring to a ROLE, not a person
12. Some of my friends seek freedom from home, cooks, hype persons, child bearers, providers etc. it’s all ok but those are ROLES that play a part in your being, becoming, belonging or besieging.
Does your partner want to play these roles? You don’t have to marry to get these!
Does your partner want to play these roles? You don’t have to marry to get these!
13. As @DrJoeAbah said yesterday, there will be those who will say “but I know people who didn’t know themselves and married wonderfully”...yes, even a faulty clock is right twice a day.
Why plan your life hoping on a fluke when you can take full control?
Why plan your life hoping on a fluke when you can take full control?
14. Know thyself, know thy background, know the reason for your desires, your flaws, your visions, your ambitions...
The self discovery journey will ensure you appreciate you, love you, forgive you, understand you and then, you can easily do it for another...your partner!!
The self discovery journey will ensure you appreciate you, love you, forgive you, understand you and then, you can easily do it for another...your partner!!
15. Prior to marriage, learn the program that drives you, the program you drive & do the same for your partner.
Your programs must be compatible otherwise you will spend your life fixing problems.
Imagine trying to get diesel to work on a petrol engine. It’s way too much work
Your programs must be compatible otherwise you will spend your life fixing problems.
Imagine trying to get diesel to work on a petrol engine. It’s way too much work
