Thread by @garwboy

I only just now found out that it's #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek. My bad

So, in case it's useful during this difficult period, here's what I've learned about grief, as a neuroscientist dealing with the sharp end of it, in the month since my Dad's passing from #COVID19

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Firstly, you can be highly 'aware' of mental health or psychology or brain mechanisms, but that doesn't shield you from the effects of grief. This, presumably, also applies to any other mental health problem you may encounter

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Knowing how grief 'works' doesn't protect you from it. It's like being a mechanic in a speeding car with no breaks; you may know exactly why the brakes failed, but that information's not much use right now. You need to grip the wheel and avoid coming the harm as best you can

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Another thing I learned is that other people will offer you help, which is great, but that doesn't mean asking for it is easy

"Just let me know if I can do anything" is a common statement, but the 'just' suggests it's no big deal. But, for me at least, it is

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Could be a male thing, a pride thing, or just a 'me' thing, but I suspect much of it comes from when such a massive traumatic change hits your life, the brain instinctively clings to reliable norms even more, as a self-preservation thing

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Losing someone close, especially unexpectedly, is a brutal reminder that much of life is beyond our control, which stresses the brain. It also means our established understandings of the world are wrong, because the deceased was a big part of it. This also stresses the brain

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So, while offers of help are always well meant and appreciated, for many (i.e. me) it means a further change from the normality, and a further loss of control as it it would result in others being involved in your well being. Hence, it's a big ask, at a time of grief

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This isn't to say it's 'right' to deny offers of help, particularly if you genuinely need it. Of course it's much healthier, and often necessary, to have and let others help you during hard times. Nobody should struggle alone when they don't have to

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But that assumption that the grieving person can just *ask* for help as and when needed? That, I'd argue, is incorrect, and possibly unhelpful, so is sort of self-defeating for the person offering

An illogical setup I know, but the grieving brain isn't really great for logic

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I'd wager this sort of thing, the difficulty in asking for help even when needed, applies to a lot of mental health problems. Hence telling people it's 'time to talk' doesn't mean they automatically will
#MentalHealthAwarenessWeek

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Another thing people say when you lose someone is to 'focus on the good memories'.

This is a very logical suggestion, and again well meant, but again, the brain isn't big on logic, especially when grieving.

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Point is, the 'good memories' of the departed aren't necessarily good when you're mired in grief. They might have the opposite effect, as they're now memories for someone who's no longer there. Instead of happy, they might be sad memories now, thus could make you feel worse

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This isn't guaranteed of course, and it could be a transient thing, but human memories aren't fixed or static; the brain is constantly editing and updating them, so sadness at the loss of someone can be inserted into happy memories about them

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This happens all the time, to everyone. You could have many happy memories with a long-term romantic partner, then discover they were cheating on you the whole time, so the happy memories are now unpleasant, because of the new information

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When someone breaks up with a long-term partner, people rarely tell them to 'focus on the happy memories of the relationship'. The emphasis is usually on moving on, getting over it. Forgetting about them.

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Obviously this would be monstrous advice to give to someone grieving, but it's the same neurological processes controlling and updating your memory in both instances, even if the suggestions from others are completely the opposite. Good memories are 'tainted' now

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Luckily, the brain adjusts for this. The fading affect bias is the phenomenon whereby memories for negative emotional experiences don't last as long as positive ones, so the memories will return to being good (if bittersweet) ones, given time

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It does suggest that 'focus on the good memories' is advice for further down the line though, rather than right after someone's experienced a loss.

Each to their own, of course. This is just my own experience, and every brain (and therefore person) is different

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Speaking of, it's hard to overstate how social an emotion grief is. It literally exists purely in the context of someone else, who is no longer here. So many of our emotions are like this, like embarrassment, guilt etc. We only feel them if other people are involved

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[N.B. some might argue that you can feel guilt without anyone else around, like when you overindulge on something, but technically that's shame. Let yourself down = shame, let others down = guilt. Although there is debate about this psycnet.apa.org/record/1996-01… ]

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But I've been dealing with my grief during lockdown. I'm not allowed to see friends and family, when ordinarily I'd be surrounded by them constantly at a time like this

I can't say it's made it 'even harder', because I've no basis of comparison. But it's been seriously hard

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My kids have been a brilliant anchor and motivator, they make me smile constantly. But, they're 8 and 4, and enduring a stressful societal upheaval. They can't see their friends, can't go out, and just lost their granddad. I have to be there for them, not the other way round

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So, it's meant swallowing my grief and any desire to crawl into a ball and hide from the world for a day, and powering through, acting normally. Is this doing me harm in the long run? I don't know, maybe. I'd rather not suppress my emotion, but not got much option right now

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Ordinarily, I'd be talking about it all to my family and friends, but that's much harder to do over Zoom etc. And the things people would normally offer to help with (babysitting, cooking, cleaning etc.) are verboten. It just makes it harder

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The social aspect of grief has, I feel, been overlooked during #Covid19. We're told that every person who dies leaves behind a grieving family, but those families are all grieving in isolation, alone. The knock on effects will be, I feel, severe
#MentalHealthAwarenessWeek

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