One of the things I'm very slow to write about is relationships. Maybe it's the growing realisation of the independence and uniqueness of human beings.
A human doesn't exist to serve, please or fit you. They may choose to and that is such an incredible privilege that must never be taken for granted.
Also, I've learnt that many people are not searching for friendship and equality. They are searching for help, joy, rest and escape. It shows in the way they assess those who come into their lives. It's usually about what they want and how the other person fits in.
When you're looking for a friend, your first goal is to get to know them as a human being. Not their tribe, sexual history, job etc. You want to know who they are and not what they are. You're not checking things off a list so you can decide whether or not to cancel them.
People do all sorts of unexpected things for friends. They go the extra mile they would never have considered for anyone else. And no one compels them to. It's a choice and an obligation they accept. They have open conversations and rarely get offended by small things.
I find that the prevailing culture in my country is to look for a spouse not on the basis of equality or friendship but on the basis of service, enablement, help, poverty alleviation, alliances etc. Perhaps tradition and religion fueled these things.
Many are not used to kindness without expectation. So when people treat us well without agenda, our first response is suspicion.
Many are not used to conversation. We quickly run out of things to say. We are not used to getting to know people. We can only see them through the prism of work or tribe, hence, "What do you do and where are you from?"
Then there are the badly behaved adults who actually think people should take their shit - those with anger issues, the scattered & disorganised, the perpetually broke.
The most dangerous is those who imbibe suffering as a virtue. It's always about people suffering with them. I wonder why their first instinct isn't people enjoying with them. They are usually over 30 and consistently fail to achieve their potential within due season.
No one needs to be convinced of potential or achievement. It's something people see or uncover in close contact, not something they need to be convinced about. Achievers do what? They achieve.
I have truthfully asked what people can bring to my table in a relationship. Sex is cheap. Too many ways to make money if you have a light conscience. So, the only thing of value; the only rarity is friendship.
The first proof of friendship is often sustained conversation/companionship. The other side of friendship is character. Character displayed over time is what engenders trust.
This pandemic has shown many people that life is indeed already too hard. Anyone who comes into your life to give you another schedule of work should be avoided. There must be mutual supply of joy and peace.
