Thread by @garius

HANCOCK: So thanks for joining me at Cabinet Subcommittee today to test 'Garden Adventures!' Our new roleplay module. This is Josie.
JOSIE: Hi
HANCOCK: Josie is from NHS Digital, and she's Zoomed in to DM for us.
JOSIE: Okay, to begin, have you all rolled characters? #thread

HANCOCK: So my character is Catt Hanmock. She's...
WILLIAMSOM: Catt Hanmock?
HANCOCK: Catt Hanmock. It's an anagram
WILLIAMSON: Not the most obvious one
JOSIE: Respect the table Gavin
WILLIAMSON: Sorry
HANCOCK: Anyway Catt is a level 3 NHS keyworker who still likes being clapped.

JOSIE: Why don't you go next then, Gavin?
WILLIAMSON: Sure. I'm Gav Awesome. He's a level 4, ex-MI6, MMA Fighter and chopper pilot
RAAB: No fair! I thought we had to be realistic!
WILLIAMSON: That's realistic
JOSIE: Gavin...
WILLIAMSON: Okay fine. Ex-chopper pilot. Now a teacher.

JOSIE: Rishi?
SUNAK: I am Rishi Sunak. I live with Catt Hancock. I'm a level 2 accountant.
JOSIE: You don't want to be a little more... creative?
SUNAK:
JOSIE:
SUNAK:
JOSIE: Okay then. No. That's fine.

JOSIE: Dominic?
RAAB: Hang on. I'm rewriting mine. Didn't know we had options to... Right done. So I'm called Dom Saab.
JOSIE: Um. That sounds a bit...
RAAB: What?
HANCOCK: It sounds like a sex thing.
RAAB: Oh really? YOU'RE going to throw stones at THAT particular glass house?!

JOSIE: Just tell us about your character Dom.
RAAB: Okay, Dom Saab is Catt Hanmock's best friend.
HANCOCK: I wouldn't go that far.
RAAB: Best. Friend. He is also a level 4, ex-CIA boxer and fighter pilot.
JOSIE:
RAAB: Ex-fighter pilot. Now a senior partner at Linklaters LLP.

JOSIE: Okay, and finally... Michael?
GOVE: I aM sOphIE. a LEveL 1 nOn-OmINOus hUMaN chILD
RAAB: Non-ominous?
GOVE: yEs. nON-OmINOus. sHE liKEs cOLOUrINg iN, bAKiNG aND wAS noT suMMOnED wITh BLoOD mAGic aND BoUND oVEr to DeSTROy hUMaNIty.
ALL:
GOVE: sHe aLSO LikES flOWEry DrESSes

JOSIE: So this expanded ruleset allows people to play in the garden. Let me set the scene.
HANCOCK: Thanks Josie.
JOSIE: So it's 4pm on a Sunday, and you're at Catt's house for a socially distanced BBQ.
RAAB: I brought giant burgers!
WILLIAMSON: I brought steak
RAAB: SHIT

JOSIE: Anyway.
RAAB/WILLIAMSON: Sorry
JOSIE: First thing I'm going to do is roll and see if any of you are contagious with COVID
GOVE: dO wE KnOW?
JOSIE: Well I then roll another D20. If it's over 17 you've been tested and know
HANCOCK: We're working on that! We're working on it!

JOSIE: Okay. COVID rolls. Catt's had it. Survived
HANCOCK: Woo!
RAAB: And us?
JOSIE: Can't say
WILLIAMSON: We might have it?
JOSIE: You didn't pass the test rolls. Can't tell you. Sorry
RAAB: But we're at this BBQ?
JOSIE: Yes
RAAB: That's fucked up
HANCOCK: It's fine! It's fine!

JOSIE: So you're in the garden.
GOVE: hOW bIG is THe GaRDeN?
JOSIE: Rolling for that. It's in London
RAAB: Oh shit
JOSE: Zone 3
WILLIAMSON: Phew
JOSIE: So it's about 5m by 8m
RAAB: And we have to stay 2m apart?
HANCOCK: It's doable! It's doable!
JOSIE: There's also a pond in it.

WILLIAMSON: Where's the BBQ? The middle?
JOSIE: Where would you like it to be?
RAAB: Does it matter? we're all lurking near the fences.
SUNAK: I am standing by the pond
JOSIE: Do me a D20 roll for that
SUNAK: It's a... 1
JOSIE: Rishi falls in the pond

RAAB: I rush to help Rishi out of the pond!
WILLIAMSON: I rush to help Rishi out first!
HANCOCK: Stay away from him! Social Distancing! Social Distancing!
JOSIE: Did you take swimming as a skill, Rishi?
SUNAK: I did not
JOSIE: Okay, gonna need you to roll for save
SUNAK: Oh dear

JOSIE: Okay Rishi is now drowning
RAAB: I run over and pull him out.
JOSIE: Do me a D20 roll
RAAB: 9
JOSIE: Huh
RAAB: Did I not save him?
JOSIE: Saving was a free action. Infection check
RAAB: Am I infected now?
JOSIE: Can't tell you
WILLIAMSON: This BBQ sucks
HANCOCK: It's fine!

HANCOCK: Look this isn't that bad
RAAB: You're not the one who's character might have the plague now
HANCOCK: It's not the plague
WILLIAMSON: True. They actually took quarantine seriously then
SUNAK: I enter the house to get a towel
JOSIE: Sorry that's against the rules
SUNAK: Oh

HANCOCK: I think we should eat. Can I roll to cook the sausages?
JOSIE: Yes. Do me a cooking skill check
HANCOCK: 14
JOSIE: Good enough.
HANCOCK: Wahey! Sausages are ready!
ALL:
HANCOCK: Well, come and get them!
GOVE: YoU wILL NeED tO MoVE 2 mETrEs aWay
HANCOCK: Oh yes. Sorry.

WILLIAMSON: This sucks, Matt
HANCOCK: No it doesn't! It's fine! We're all fine!
RAAB: You mean apart from the fact my character might have COVID now?
HANCOCK: You don't know that for certain though...
RAAB: Is that meant to make me feel better?!

HANCOCK: You just need to get into the socially distanced BBQ spirit! Look! Michael is...
GOVE: SoPHie
HANCOCK: Sorry. Sophie is having fun.
GOVE: sHE is cOLOurING iN. FeeLInG nO GuILT oR ShAMe fOR ThE StATe oF HuMANity
ALL:
RAAB: Are you... alright?
GOVE: oH yES. cOMpLETeLY fiNE

JOSIE: So are we done?
WILLIAMSON: I think so
HANCOCK: Wait! We could play badminton!
RAAB: Can we?
JOSIE: Checking. Okay yes, if any of you have sterile gloves in your inventory?
WILLIAMSON: Yeah, sod this. I'm logging off
HANCOCK: Wait!
RAAB: Me too

<click>

HANCOCK: Don't go

JOSIE: Are we done?
HANCOCK: Yes. I think so. Thank you Josie
JOSIE:
HANCOCK:
JOSIE: What's that sound?
HANCOCK: I'm clapping you.
JOSIE: Please stop. I'm going now...
HANCOCK: Wait! Josie!
JOSIE: What?
HANCOCK: Do you like the new rules?
JOSIE:
HANCOCK:
JOSIE: Anyway, gotta go.

SUNAK: Have they all gone?
GOVE: i bELIeVE sO
SUNAK:
GOVE:
SUNAK: What are you drawing?
GOVE: SoPHiE iS dRAWiNG a MOo CoW On A suNNY dAY.
SUNAK:
GOVE:
SUNAK: Are you really an Eldritch Horror?
GOVE: ArE yOU rEALLy tHE CHaNCeLLOr?
SUNAK: I... I don't know anymore
GOVE: mE NeiTHer.

God it is literally years now since I started doing these. First one is here.

https://twitter.com/garius/status/1062983853260918784

You can also buy me a coffee, if you enjoyed it, here!

ko-fi.com/garius