Growing up being a movie fan in the 80s and 90s was always weird. Especially if you secretly wanted to be an actor. I wanted to act and direct films from when I was probably 3 or 4. By which time I'd seen "nODiswaami naavirOdu heege" maybe a 100 times. Why was it weird? (thread)
Shankar Nag and nODiswaami are the reason I wanted to be in films. People might think his best work was Malgudi Days, but for me, I liked Malgudi cuz he made it. Died in a car crash a couple of months short of 36 years of age. I'm around the same now. He was driving drunk. 2/n 
Going slightly back in time, Shankar had been on screen with Manjula. I was 2 when she died, so grew up knowing she was dead. At 34. In a "kitchen stove burst". Grapevine has it that it was suicide. But we also know what kitchen burn injuries are typically a euphemism for. 3/n
Manjula, when she debuted had unseated the first superstar of Kannada cinema. Kalpana. Trendsetter, superstar, diva. Kalpana died by suicide in 1979. Aged 35. If you asked an adult why all the big actresses had died, they would say "They made bad choices in life". 4/n
Then the 90's brought a flurry of deaths... Sunil, the next big thing, most popular pair with the then reigning Queen Malashree, (they were also partnered) had a car crash. Malashree escaped with serious injuries. Sunil died, aged 30 in 1994. 5/n
Silk Smitha, died by suicide in 1996. She was 36. You've seen the (badly made) biopic. She felt alone, abandoned. Or as the adults would say. "Made bad choices." Fuck you. 6/n
Over in Bombay, Divya Bharti had died in 1993, falling off of a balcony accidentally (police concluded). She was
And in eerily similar circumstances, in 1998 Nivedita Jain an upcoming Kannada actress fell off the parapet wall on her balcony. She was 19 too. (Her last few films hadn't done too well so she was planning on returning to modelling it seems) 8/n
Nafisa Joseph, in whom for whatever reason we took great pride in being from Bangalore died by suicide at the age of 26, in 2004. 9/n
Bad enough, no matter what background you're from, people will scoff if you say if you want to work in film. Especially if you were 4. or 8. or 11. Seeing and hearing of deaths like these when I was in school, it convinced me to stay mum.. "Making bad choices" 10/n
I think I've been suicidal or had suicidal ideation from the age of 10, and now I think the reason my love for film grew only stronger with time was because in a terrible way, I felt so connected to these dead people. I knew they were alone. As was I. 11/n
If it sounds like I'm romanticising suicide, back then I was. I liked thinking of myself as a tortured soul, but also hated myself for it. But after a breakdown at 19, I took myself to therapy and climbed out of the hole. But I know how easily I can go back to that space. 12/n
Apologies for not putting a Trigger warning at the start of this thread, I hit publish on the first few tweets without realising, and now I can't edit it. But anyway. I'm wondering what has changed in film. 13/n
The macho men still indulge in risky and hazardous behaviour, some of whom have turned into outright sociopaths; the women are labelled all sorts of things if they happen to behave even remotely, divaesque, never mind what they're feeling.. And the sensitive ones... 14/n
I definitely do wish as a whole builds support systems that can be impartially relied on for people to approach to figure issues out. But if #MeToo taught us anything is that we will throw any 'complainer' under the bus. Right now, I have no answers, only distress. 15/n
All I can say is I'm tired of just saying, "mental health is important" et al. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather people still chant these token mantras than not do anything at all. But people are still dying. And this thread was just about a few actors. 16/n
India's been in a suicide epidemic for well over a decade now. Between systemic and violent caste discrimination and domestic violence, more people in this country are at risk of mental duress than not. I'll repeat that, there are more people fucked up than not. 17/n
What was meant to be an in-memoriam thread is now going elsewhere, so I'll just wrap up here. There isn't a suicide that doesn't affect me. Or anyone with a sliver of empathy really. People who died by suicide were failed by society, and I don't know how but we need to do better.
@threadreaderapp unroll please
